Relationship I Don't Know How To Help Her And Still Keep The Relationship

[Confused Leo]

Around 5 months ago I met the most amazing girl ever. She had a son and I was terrified of lots of things. She eased those fears and things have been amazing since. She told me that she considers me to be the sons father. I have been in lots of relationships and not a single one has everfelt so...."rest of my lifey"

One day her very bipolar mom attacked her, since she has been snappier and emotionally distant. She was just recently diagnosed with PTSD. Her method of coping is to completely withdraw from things that stress her. Unfortunately I became one of those things when I didn't realize how stressed she was and snapped. She asked for a break and then wouldn't clarify. I repeatedly asked for clarification.

This caused her to break up with me. She says she still loves me she just needs time. I love her immensly and want to help. We both have a copy of a book we read together (we text about that and only that) i don't think she really wants to break up. But the distance she puts up is really painful. I know she needs it. But i love her and want to talk all the time. I have considered asking her if she wants me to go to therapy with her. I think it would help if i knew what the problem even was.

How do I help her and balance my own feelings? How long should I put my feelings on hold?

 

[kahlan]

Use the time she's isolating to keep working on you. The more you push the more she will withdraw. Personally I think an occasional message is ok as long as its something noncomittal. If they answer great if not its not a huge deal. Stress even good can build up with everything else and cause them to feel overwhelmed, and the ptsd causes them to deal with stress differently than most other people.

suggestion check out the stress cup model and the supporters section and good luck ;)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sufferer here.

My advice is that you need to be willing to accept her need for distance or the relationship won't work. Some can work around it, others freak if they haven't heard from their sufferer in a day. The truth is that we need space. Some more than others, some more frequently than others.

Give her what she is asking for. Don't pressure her about therapy. That is HER safe space and if you push, she may freak and you could lose her for good. (Safety is a concept understood by few who don't have safety issues.) So give her space and don't push.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Question for Solara (or anyone else who wants to chime in)...how long? How long do you put your feeling on the back burner to give them space? Isolating tends to come on suddenly from what I understand...does the sufferer snap out of it suddenly or is it a gradual process?

I ask because my L is in the midst of an isolation event. It started suddenly and over the days/weeks, he has had less and less contact with me. On a good day, I might get a short text...one to three words. Nothing hopeful. Usually nothing. I send one text a day just to touch base hoping he will respond. Sometimes he will but it will be 12 to 24 hours later. I strongly suspect he is self medicating with alcohol but since I don't see him or talk to him, I don't know for certain. At this point, I don't know if I should keep waiting and hoping or if he wants me out of his life and this is his way of doing it.

 

[Confused Leo]

I told her im giving her space, but the occasional message apparently was also too much. She said it stressed her out knowing she wasn't going to respond.

It seems like all her distance is her way of trying not to hurt me. I think she feels certain obligations in a relationship....but i don't care as long as i can help.

She says she still lovesmdoesn't want to see me withanyone else.......but doesn't knowif she wants to be with me after she works her stuff out.......is that common?, it confuses and hurts me
Its just hard to deal with the feeling that she just wantsme gone. Is it selfish for me to feel that way?
When you say noncommittal messages what do you mean?

 

[kahlan]

Basically a hi hope youre well or some link to something i know he'll enjoy then let it go. As far as how long...it depends on the stressors and the person. Only you know when its too much for you. I'm at 2 months with very little
communication when average was 1-3 days. This was a big one due to a good friends suicide and an accident that landed my N. in thr hospital. Now I'm fearful he's suicidal and can't reach him at all, how I hate him being so far away!

To leo, you said she's been recently diagnosed? If so the beginnings of treatment can be very hard for your sufferer. She's more than likely dealing with a whole lot of internal stuff and even a.good relationship causes stress. It may be too much until she starts really making progress.

 

[Confused Leo]

She was Diagnosed around 2 weeks ago. It is what I am attributing our last month of constantly being at eachothers throats. I understand she is dealing with a lot right now. She lives with two Bipolar people (Her sister and mom) and she pays half the rent there so she cant really escape that. I know that a relationship is hard because she has to worry about more than one person and I understand that and I told her I will deal with that. But I am just having a hard time with the complete radio silence. I just want so desperately to help her but she wont let me help her and it just seems like there is no hope for our relationship.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you need to understand that you can fix her. You can't save her. You can't be her knight in shining armor. She must do it on her own.

The distance----yes, that's one way we keep from hurting people. Many SAY they're "all in" but bail as soon as they see the slightest symptom. It "teaches" us that our behavior unacceptably hurts those around us. We learn that it's best not to hurt others with our disorder because most can't handle it.

 

[Confused Leo]

Ya.....that makes sense but I am not going to do that.....how can I make her understand that I just feel helpless......I know the answer....I am just venting.

I love her and her son more than I can explain. Its just hard to see her hurt and not let me help even in a little way

 

[nursenurse]

Five months is much too early for that kind of a commitment to anyone, and way too early to be considered the child's parent. She is not doing her child any favours, and certainly not herself or you. Regardless of whether you two stay together or not, you have to make a life separate from her. Get out with the guys, travel whatever. Couples counselling is a good idea down the road. Counselling for you individually now would be good. Bipolar is another kettle of fish, it can be managed as well, but you need to be absolutely clear as to what you are getting yourself into. It has started already, imagine a lifetime of it. Hopefully she is receiving help. Good luck.

 

[Confused Leo]

I can imagine a lifetime with her. I know you say it is too early which I understand. But when things are happy between us I honestly saw no problems. a little things but we both acknowledged them and they got better. I guess I am just wondering if we will ever get back to that happy place.

 

[nursenurse]

It will never be 100% like that. It can be better than it is, but it will always have it's difficulties and lots of times where the bad seems to out weigh the good, especially if there is no treatment involved. This is a lifetime problem. And it will never be easy.