I Don't Know How To Live For Me

[anthony]

If I let myself literally get unfit now, stop exercising, within a few months I will want to die, guaranteed.

 

[anthony]

Oh... I would say the following is all true from my own history and experience: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

 

[The Albatross]

Irrespective and independent of matters of faith or the lack of it, ultimately I found I had a choice to make. Learn and endeavor to find some peace, calm, enjoyment in the life I have or waste it locked in cyclical thinking and depressive rumination for several decades. I choose the former.

I had to deal with the depressive aspect before I could get some relief from the suicidal ideation... then as I improved, learn how to deal with the random suicidal thoughts. Now those thoughts have quieted and only seldom do they occur. When they do, I affirm my choice. "Learn and endeavor to find some peace, calm & enjoyment in this life I have OR waste it."

 

[digger]

If I let myself literally get unfit now, stop exercising, within a few months I will want to die

Yes, I know that one too. Any time I've been physically ill and limited in what I can do, I crash pretty quickly.

I do walk daily. The dog I'm caring for at the moment needs a fair amount of exercise any way, so I'm out at least twice a day with her, a minimum of 2-3 miles each walk (most days I'll try to fit in one of them being longer than that). I find any type of movement helpful though really to some degree, even if it's just cleaning or gardening, if I can get myself moving it helps. I should probably do more - I have to be mindful of keeping a balance though as I have a tendency towards trying to do too much and then burning myself out which is kind of counter-productive!

"Learn and endeavor to find some peace, calm & enjoyment in this life

I guess that's where I'm trying to get and the point of the thread really. Do you feel you have found those things?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am starting to exercise much in the way the @anthony is talking about, just told my husband I needed running shoes and off I went just like I used too. Realized one morning that fall is coming and that was damn scary becasue I always get depressed and that was terrifying. I know I would be dead without my medication but what about happiness and a healthy body too? What about me?

Well, I felt like I was just waiting around for things to happen. I kept seeing my husband do so many unhealthy things I started to follow his lead despite how healthy I used to be and I just realized I can't do that anymore. I wasn't doing anything for me, wasn't 'living for me' as you said, Digger. I was just depending on other people. I had college and that was great but college wasn't all the time, wouldn't last forever and would sometimes get stressful.

I am still learning how to live for me I guess. Still learning how I deserve it.

 

[cherryblossom]

@digger , I totally get where you are coming from. I hate my life. and I hate having to live, and the only reason I do is because I don't want to hurt my family.

Exercise may help some people, but there is little scientific evidence for this, with regards to the whole endorphins argument, since endorphins are too large a molecule to pass through the blood brain barrier, so how can they affect the brain?

And equally, if you can't exercise, that 'advice' doesn't really help.

I have no idea how to live for me, because realistically that's never going to happen.

 

[digger]

I don't know about the science. I know a lot of people do report feeling better mentally for physical exercise though. Perhaps in part it comes just from making the choice to do something positive? I know walking helps me, but in a day to day management way rather than solving the bigger issue.

I hear what you're saying about exercise not being an option for some people too. I have had periods where chronic pain conditions have meant that I've been severely restricted in what I can do physically, and I am limited in the types of exercise I can do now because of that. But I do think, if you can do it, that incorporating more physical stuff into your life can help with the mental stuff.

Apart from any other benefits, walking helps me to think more clearly. I don't know how. I don't know the science, if there is any. If it helps, it helps. It comes under the 'making things more bearable' category for me though, it doesn't give me a reason to live.

 

[Go Hungry]

I understand this feeling. I've often thought that if someone asked me how I was going to die, I would say 'suicide'. Not as in, right now. But given my track record, I wonder if that's how it's all going to end someday. Right now I just can't do it, because it would utterly destroy my parents, and I have some other friends who I think it would deeply hurt. Like.. right to the core of their being. I can't do that to them.

But I often want to. I just want it all to end, and sink into oblivion... I really need to find something to live for outside of that. Something that I really enjoy a great deal. I wish it could be exercise. Exercise keeps you young, both inside and out. I hate getting older so that's really what I should be doing. Part of my trouble is the social anxiety that I have. It would be the easiest thing in the world to walk down to the river and back, a mile each way. But I can't do it. I'm afraid that I'll see people, or run into hobos, or a thousand other reasons. I really should go do it. In the meantime I just climb the stairs in my apt building sometimes. I think that's a good alternative. And if I ever get scared I can just take the elevator down and be right back in my room.

But yeah, I totally feel you. In the meantime, I just dream of other things. I've found my way back to some stuff that you requested we not speak about. It's helping me.

 

[digger]

A couple of years ago, I even walked across the country, from one coast to the other, with my son. It should have been a challenge, a once in a lifetime thing, achievement, excitement etc It was worth doing. Spending that time with my son and I think he got the sense of achievement from it, but even when I do stuff like that, it does nothing for me. It's all flat. It makes it hard to think of things I might want to do that might make me feel better long term.

 

[scout86]

@digger, my T brings this up ALL the time. Some days I wonder if he's just trying to see what it will take to get me to throw something at him from across the room. So, now I'm wondering if this a part of the whole PTSD deal, rather than just him, picking on me.

What he says is that everyone needs a "reason to get up in the morning". He has told me (often) that the vast majority of the time, by the time his clients conclude their therapy, they have reached to point where they believe that that reason is "loving and being loved". He says it doesn't have to be people, although often if is. It can be anything, a cause, your car, your garden, but something.

It turns out, I have some kind of "thing" about the word "love". Apparently it's a "trigger" for me. The word, mind you, not the emotion so much. So, typically, when he throws that out that, I launch into a tirade about how ephemeral and undependable love is. And he listens, patiently. I don't have an answer. Just wanted to say I'm familiar with the question. I tend to look for the answer in the category of "dedication to some cause bigger than myself." But, since I do believe in God, I figure, if I'm still here, it means he's not done with me yet and I should probably hang around to find out what that means.

I'm both sorry you haven't found the answer to this question and glad you brought it up! Maybe it's not so different from the "Why are we here?"questions that philosophers have been debating for centuries. And, maybe, a lot of "normal" people never have enough reason to examine their lives, and their meaning, so they live unaware of the question.

 

[Abigail]

I'm sending warm thoughts your way. I have attempted suicide a few times before (none were a cry for help, I am still astonished I am here today), and it is a struggle every single day to, when I go out, not throw myself into fatal situations.

Have you read the book Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl? My therapist during intensive out-patient had me read it, and it may help you. Basically, he talks about his time in the holocaust and he watched how people found hope in their future. He said it all revolves around "tragic optimism", which is looking however far into the future and seeing something positive. For example, he got through stays in concentration camps because he thought about how his new-found knowledge could help people. Some got through because they had family in other countries that they could go to once they were out, and so on.

Is there some way you could get involved in new things? You never know what you could be passionate in. What gets me through the day is animals and science. I'm hoping to study soon to major in biology and theoretical physics and hopefully become a wildlife/conservation biologist. Now on a day-to-day basis, this can only do so much. I still have self-destructive behaviours, I hate to say, but I have some kind of goal in the future which is a big step from a couple months ago when I didn't have a goal and I didn't do anything except plan my death.

I think it takes a lot of reflection and reminders to learn to live for yourself. I have to stop, slow my thought process, and think about what /I/ want as apposed to what those around me want. Open your options, try new things, and think "do I like this?" "Is there potential here?" And if not, scrap it and go to another thing. There was this quote, I can't remember where it came from, that basically says that if you are doing something that is not setting a fire inside of you (in a good way, haha), then it's time to start doing something else.

Sometimes, I even have to think about myself as a different person. I am full of self hate that I can't even stop the thoughts sometimes, but I have learned to pause and say "Now, would I say that to another person if they were in this situation?" The answer is no, so I tell myself what I would tell someone else.

I hope you feel better. You deserve to be passionate, and I honestly think you will find something that will light your eyes and your life. I really appreciate you posting this as well. I definitely still have to pause and think "am I living for myself or for others?"

 

[joeylittle]

I completely identify with this. It was a major issue for me even before my PTSD presented itself; I've been wrestling with this for a long, long time.

I don't have an answer. And I know right now, I'm not in good enough mental shape to find one. I have been really looking over the last month, making lists of possibilities, exercising, eating healthy, reaching out to forge and deepen friendships, doing things in my career I've been afraid to try, etcetera.

But where I'm at, everything comes up looking pointless. And no amount of CBT can reframe that thought.

The solace I have is in knowing that this perspective is just that: a perspective. My illness ( major depression) is somehow making it near impossible for me to interpret the good in things or to see hope.

Here is my one thing: when I first started treating my depression a handful of years ago, the pills actually worked. Depression had caused me to lose about 50 pounds, and for the first time in my life I could basically do anything I wanted.

I started learning flying trapeze. And it became something I was super-passionate about. It was just for me, and I loved it.

I broke my knee ( unrelated) and was immobile for a long while. That, plus the medication-go-round have me back my 50 pounds. I'm trying and trying as hard as I can to make it go away again. I have little hope that it will, given how my body holds on to weight, now.

But, if I am very very disciplined, I can hold on to being able to do trapeze again. I have to force myself to think that thought. I don't believe it, but just thinking it is better than nothing.

My point being: is there one thing that you have always wanted to be able to do that you have just assumed is impossible for you? And can you find a way to challenge that assumption, and try it? You'll have to look really hard. With depression (I dunno if you are diagnosed , but you sound depressive) comes anhedonia. Anhedonia makes everything look bad on the surface of it. Don't go by feelings , go by thoughts. Get really neutral about your feelings and just think: is there anything new I want to try, or add to my life ?

I really feel for you. I'm right there, I get it.