I Don't Know How To Live For Me

[The Albatross]

Do you feel you have found those things?

Yes sometimes more than others, but yes. Mostly I did not have the idea of living for other people because I was unable to have a child or children. So I had to dig deep and find something in myself. In alcohol recovery we are warned, rightly I believe, that people will fail us. If we are to recover it has to be authentic and come from us.

It has served me reasonably well to accept that notion as the "truth". So, for me it's simple living, and simple pleasures. It's also keeping a seat in a community of people who have issues like my own so I can learn from the experience of others.

Anthony chose a different way, exercise. Neither is wrong if both of them serve to ward off the depressive aspect of our PTSD so long as it is in "harmony", I believe, with who we authentically are as individuals. What is your's @ Digger? It can be a passion, endorphins, a purpose, or a calm peaceful existence. You find it, and it will serve you well going forward.

It will carry you through trials, hard times and adversity. Honest.

 

[The Albatross]

Edited it as you hit the like button, sorry. I seldom complete a thought the first time you know. (grin)

Edited again, sorry. Anthony also created this forum.

 

[digger]

Maybe not so much of a tumbleweed post then!

My head's gone into overload and isn't letting me read as well I want to at the moment, but I do appreciate all the responses and will come back to read them again better when it's (my head) being more cooperative again.

It's one of those I'm glad other people 'get it' things,but I'm really sorry so many people get it to because of what that means for them too.

 

[The Albatross]

Finding meaning, or not finding it is intensely personal.

 

[Lucycat]

I don't know how to be alive for me. I don't even know how to want that. How do you do that?

I get that too. I had a time when there seemed no point to my existence. However I have found comfort in studying. It is my T who inspired my thirst for knowledge. Firstly about PTSD and then about types of therapy, which led me to sign up to the degree course I am currently studying. Because I am doing it FOR ME and not for an employer I am passionate about it - even when the work gets hard. I find the challenge inspires me.

I wish I was scared of dying, unfortunately, I know that I'm not!

I agree. I have seen so many people die, that I feel I know 'dying' quite intimately. This includes holding my sister's hand as she died. I don't fear it in the slightest.

What if I lose that because I forget how to feel it in the moment?

I understand. I have to remind myself that I need to remain upbeat. It is not automatic. It is hard work every day, but it becomes easier over time. I guess that my studies help as it is a long term commitment - although I could give up at any time.

Just dismissing it as 'something I'll never do anyway' doesn't feel like a very sound approach for me.

I agree. I never say never! I have discussed with Rory, that I will never promise that I can never feel suicidal again. I refuse to promise that I will never try again. That does not mean that I have any intention, just that I don't promise anything I cannot keep to.

Like others I was never able to have children, so that is not what keeps me here. But I have stayed because I want to. I don't think the world would miss me, but at the same time I am OK for now, and that is good enough. I don't think I can ever be complacent. I do worry sometimes that I could easily be tempted by a way out, but I also have the knowledge now that I am glad I failed last time. I think that helps me keep going.

 

[marylouise]

I'm not sure about this, but it seems like there are two different impulses going on here, @digger, but you should tell me if I'm wrong.

The first is around being worried you may have or act on suicidal thoughts. You said you won't because of your son, but you worry that your reason is not enough. I understand that. You seem quite stable right now. Of course there's no guarantee that won't shift.

The second is around meaning in your life, a reason to get up in the morning and care about your life.

I think these are related but ultimately different concerns. I think suicidal thoughts and actions are temporary, even for those who actively struggle with them. They come and go. Unless of course the ultimate decision is made when the suicidal feelings are present, and that's their danger. It doesn't sound like you're struggling with suicidal thoughts right now though. That's what I meant when I said you've made a contract with life to stay. Maybe that could change, but right now in this moment you've done everything you can to ensure that you're not suicidal.

I think a sense of meaning would give you another reason besides your son not to kill yourself, but it would do so much more too. In the hierarchy of concerns, not killing yourself is basic but finding a sense of meaning is higher level. This is something that I'd guess most people we know struggle with, whether or not they have trauma backgrounds. Someone mentioned Victor Frankel's "Man's Search for Meaning". I was surprised when I read that book that Victor Frankel relates the human search for meaning to the modern era, one that coincides with a shift towards secularism. People used to know what the meaning of life was: their religion told them. According to the existential psychologists, including Victor Frankel, life for moderns is pretty bleak as we turn away from God. That book is quite religious, by contemporary standards.

You asked me how I got to the point where "life is fine, I'm fine with it." I think that just means that I'm stable. After lots of work, I don't have to deal with PTSD symptoms most days of my life, and my health is usually okay. Even when things are bad, when I feel badly, I have the presence of mind to know my feelings will change. Yet, that statement doesn't contain joy in it. I enjoy life a lot sometimes. I'm fond of riding bikes, the natural world, good food to eat, animals, some special friends. Do I feel that my life specifically has higher meaning though? Or, that I ought to be alive for some larger purpose? Not really, no. No.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

After a very scary failed attempt on my own life so many years ago, I chose to live and it was a slow process for me.

Before my husband died over a year ago, I had to build me a life. For three years taking care of my husband who had severe dementia, my world became very small as I was so entirely focused on taking care of him. We had just moved to a place that was easier for him to maneuver around, I had no friends only my family. I lost contact with my mentors and had a sponser who would call to check up on me.

Now I am still healing from the chronic fatigue and burn out from being a caregiver.

I am beginning to exercise for the first time in four years. I want to get healthy so that is one long term goal.

I moved in with my daughter and two granddaughters and I am not alone anymore. I do not do alone well at all because it is far easier to dwell on negative and stressfull worrying and what if thoughts.

I am beginning to read again, I was not able to read while taking care of my husband.

I am tentatively planning on going to a trade school so I can get a job to supplement my income and hope that this will be a positive experience for me.

I wake up feeling depressed so much and I really have to turn off the negative and build on the positive.

You take such beautiful photos. It seems to be something you enjoy at times. And you are really good at it. Mabe you could start there.

For so many years I would wake up not wanting to face the day. I was in a really bad mental state of mind and I had a family to live for but it did not help me at all.


Depression really sucks. It takes everything good in your life and turns it to ash. I remember.

But I have better coping skills now and know how to meet my needs and wants so much better now.

I still have bad days and probably always will.

But I need to build a new life for myself alone. I am the only one who can rescue me now.

Many years ago I so wanted to be rescued from myself. All of my reality and foundations had collapsed and I had to start over.

It was in baby steps. I started to listen to modern music and found so much music with lyrics that spoke to my soul. I began to dress differently. Something I am starting to do again now.

I do not know if this is just a waste of time for you as you read this.

I hate depression and anxiety. I do not fit into groups so I do not do groups anymore. I am beginning to learn what works for me and what does not.

You are a very caring and giving person. You are very bright and intelligent and sensitive. You sure have helped me and made a difference in my life.

A good book is Hope and health for your nerves and it talks about the battle with depression and has many suggestions. I do not know if you are able to read or not at this time. The author is Claire Weeks.

I wish you success in overcoming your depression.

 

[anthony]

Exercise may help some people, but there is little scientific evidence for this

I wouldn't say that is accurate... there is little scientific evidence in relation to endorphins making us feel better, as all the science is based on animals, which may not actually transfer equally to humans as other scientific testing does. Science (studies and statistics) for exercise making a person feeling better, is quite overwhelming and factual. The known fact, substantiated and tested time and again, that a person feels better, more energetic and well overall, from exercise and being fitter is conclusive.

It is the endorphin opioid aspect and how that works when produced by the central nervous system and pituitary gland, that is unsubstantiated and scientists are "best guessing" upon.

 

[cherryblossom]

@anthony you have taken the first part of my sentence, without the second half of the sentence, if you look again you will see that actually I said

but there is little scientific evidence for this, with regards to the whole endorphins argument

which I think you've just also said yourself twice

there is little scientific evidence in relation to endorphins making us feel better,

It is the endorphin opioid aspect and how that works when produced by the central nervous system and pituitary gland, that is unsubstantiated and scientists are "best guessing" upon.

Perhaps my comma in the sentence was unnecessary, and caused the confusion.:confused:

 

[anthony]

I was talking more about the first part... "exercise may help some people" is really inaccurate. Exercise statistically, and scientifically, helps every single person positively who engages it. There is so much evidence for it, nobody can dispute the results of exercise for mind and body overall benefits. Fat, thin, young, old, wheelchair or walking, the science exists for all.

 

[cherryblossom]

I agree that exercise is good for the body. But as for the mind, I've always hated exercise, never enjoyed it, never got any sort of 'high' from it. And now that pain is the overall result from exercise, I dislike it all the more!

 

[digger]

Part of my trouble is the social anxiety that I have

Social anxiety is a big issue for me as well. At the moment, it would be a major obstacle to doing anything group based, or anything where I needed to go to a specific place to do it, but thankfully it doesn't stop me walking. I live in a pretty rural area though, and having the dog with me most of the time helps too. Have you considered a dog?

maybe, a lot of "normal" people never have enough reason to examine their lives, and their meaning, so they live unaware of the question.

I do wonder about this too. I wonder if people who have never contemplated suicide have ever really felt the need to contemplate life really. That they maybe already have the sense that it is enough for them without having it occur to them to ask what makes it enough, or to need to ask that....

If we are to recover it has to be authentic and come from us.

Yep. :)