I don't know how to stop and be a human.

[jimmy-joe]

I have alters, a lot of them, I haven't stopped making them since I was a kid, even into adulthood. I don't know how to stop the trance. I'm so tired right now that I can't move without a trance. I'm used to trancing, it's all I know, and I don't lose consciousness, when I'm healthy it's like the uppermost "alters" at the time are whispering and pointing things out to me and commenting and laughing and giggling, and some come out more strongly than others, but I'm always watching. Now it's like I can feel a couple at a time, but they just flash through, constantly, it's hard to control. And sometimes I wonder when I'll drive myself off the road lol, each time it's a little mini-bet internally.

 

[Philippa]

Do you mean "alter-egos" or alters where you worship and do rituals?

 

[Philippa]

Scratch that. I just read your last entry in the other thread about "17 years".

You're referring to multiple personalities or voices that are from the schizophrenic side of you?

I'm studying this at school right now actually, so it's interesting to me. I think we all have inner dialogue and sometimes we don't talk very nicely to ourselves. Discerning whether it is merely self-harming inner dialogue or whether it is an organic brain issue is important.

Have you spoken to a psychiatrist about these voices jimmy-joe? Preferably one who comes from a transpersonal, holistic perspective and doesn't just want to label you and fill you with drugs.

 

[jimmy-joe]

Few of them are like individuals, but there are a lot that work in tandem like programs. I don't actually hear anything, like when I was still getting beat I would sometimes hear my name yelled, but that was because %99 of the time if my name was called I was about to recieve a punishment, Lol the reason I hate names.

But have you read Dexter? It's like that, but a lot of them, although I've never really given them a shape, when I tried emdr, (just the beginning, where you invite your alter-egos to a room), they were just black and white swirling vortexes that would pulse when speaking. Normally when I'm talking it's like eyes and people residing right underneath mine(when I'm healthy I can overlap my mental pictures with my normal vision, so they're all over the place then).

But the angry parts often speak in short phrases(I turn my anger on myself to keep from lashing out, although I've been more vocally angry than ever before lol), the sad parts just want to die, the neutral parts on that negative area just need to do SOMETHING to stop this nonsense my head puts me through.

 

[jimmy-joe]

I first started getting extra opinions/comments when I was 5, though I found out recently that the abuse started when I was 3, I just don't remember? The malevolent ones started showing up between like7-11, Battlefield 1942 Download Index - Battlefield 1943 Files, whoops and the others just pop up along ze way

 

[Philippa]

I haven't actually read Dexter, and I didn't get into it as a series on t.v, but only because I don't watch much t.v

I was going to suggest maybe trying to paint them, or draw them. You seem to have a pretty good knowledge of how they are to be able to describe their form, and since I am studying art therapy at the moment, I am learning all these great ways of containing things in art form as a way of getting them outside of me.

It might help?

 

[jimmy-joe]

My hands shake almost constantly, and my proportions are always off cause of my eyes, so with a lot of time spent I can do some nice sketches, but I can't do well in any other art medium that I've tried except maybe acrylics or oil pastel, which, if I had money I'd be into :p

 

[jimmy-joe]

OK I stopped it, but it's not going away. I may end up dying internally the rest of the way, but my body won't die. That counts for something right?

That being said, I am pretty near to cracking and just becoming a robot. I have none of the support I need, I'm not entirely alone, but so far as I know, I'm going to be in this same thing of not entirely alone but still oh-so-alone for the rest of my life.

I don't have a problem with reasons to live, I'm not afraid of being alone, in fact, it's easier for me.

My problem right now is that something is holding me in limbo between my two possible life paths.