Relationship I Don't Know If I Can Love Him Anymore

[catlover26]

This will be hard to explain because he is so complicated with so many issues. I knew our age difference him being 15 yrs older than me could have its difficulties but tonight's discussion makes me wonder if I should just try to emotionally hold back my feelings for him and try to think of him more as a friend although that would be difficult. But the older he gets, he is 71 now, I think I will feel more like a companion anyway. We have been dating over 1 1/2 yrs now. He is also a recovering alcoholic and has been sober 30 yrs.

At this point I don't know if I am making any sense and getting to the point. Back earlier this year we had a discussion and have several times about our physical relationship. I won't have sex outside of marriage and to put it frank here he wanted to stop having passionate kisses etc that would cause him to get 'blue balls' that he said would cause him discomfort. So this hasn't stopped all affection between us but it toned it down so much that it is difficult for me. I told him tonight that he wasn't considering the way I felt and relationships took work to make them work out. He has been married several times and doesn't understand this at all.

He said something like a relationship should come 'natural'. Please before any of you tell me to quit my relationship with him you have to realize it is hard to explain him in a few paragraphs. I did say that he didn't think my opinion mattered. And he said that wasn't true. Something else is going on with him physically or at least he is worried there is something wrong with him. He kept saying he doesn't want us to have these discussions. He can't handle conflict. He also is dealing with the stress of an Aunt and Mother in the nursing home. I'm not making excuses for him it is just a very complicated situation.

Anyway, I am not sure what to do. Some of this I probably already knew. He has had so many years not knowing how to interact with people that I have to either accept him the way he is or just quit it all. I know he does love me he just deals with a lot of problems and I have to try to endure his ups and downs. I know I don't want to give up on him at least not now.

And it seems like something upsetting is always happening. The neighbors shooting off fireworks then a loud boom. It made me jump and of course it did him. It wasn't a firework and he went outside and I think next door to yell at them to stop.

I am the kind that would rather talk these things out with him but he is not that kind. It upsets him even more. So I have had to learn just to stop and we have a break from each other for a few days and then I will go over there and he could be in a much better mood.

Thanks to any that read all of this. It is upsetting but I have gone through some of this same kind of stuff this past year and it is not as bad as it used to be. He is having to learn really what it is to communicate with someone because he pretty much isolated himself.

 

[catlover26]

Well, I put as my topic 'I don't know if I can love him anymore'. It's not really that. I do really. It's just do I need to try and disconnect emotionally some to protect myself. He says nothing has changed between us but I don't know it's hard to explain.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So is the physical affection issue the main problem?

... And for what it's worth, you're right about relationships taking work, especially with PTSD in the mix. The idea of having to work on anything may freak him out though if it feels like pressure or expectations.

 

[catlover26]

So is the physical affection issue the main problem?

... And for what it's worth, you're right abou...

I guess for me the physical affection is the main problem. Or that he doesn't try to compromise. It's hard to say. I guess we have gotten in this conflict over he thinks I can't understand why he is holding back so he won't get any discomfort and I feel he doesn't understand my need for closeness. He doesn't mind if I sit next to him on the arm of the chair or in his lap. But he holds back on how much he will touch on me. It varies some nights he will really hug me tight or tickle me a little etc then others not.

With his personality I think the more I am bringing up these things the more he is resisting. He was married 4 times. Not a good track record but I consider that he was an alcoholic all that time but that is not the only reason those relationships failed. But he had years of verbal fighting with these woman so the tension when we talk about something he says he just can't handle and as much as I try to tell him it is normal and necessary it doesn't help. He says he just has too much other stress in his life. I have to try not to take it personal that he doesn't care enough about the relationship although I don't think it is that. There are just so many things going on. He has chronic fatigue/sleeping problems and falls asleep constantly in his chair when I am over there.

And he may not want to call it 'work' but he has changed and learned to communicate better since we have been together, Last year when these kinds of things happened they could escalate and he would say we are too different., etc ...... and it would seem like we were breaking up so I would stay away for several days. Later he told me that is not what he meant at all.

 

[catlover26]

So is the physical affection issue the main problem?

... And for what it's worth, you're right abou...

No thinking about it more the affection is really not the issue. It's his undivided attention I am wanting and because of that insecurity I think I want the affection to reaffirm his love towards me. Yes sometimes I can get his attention more than others. He usually will mute the TV if I want to tell him something. But TV watching gets old and I have suggested a game like we used to do occasionally. The holidays and the winter in general are rough on him so he never feels like doing much of anything else.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That makes sense... I don't think it is unreasonable for you to spend some time with the TV off while you're visiting. That's probably why you're falling asleep. If he isn't interacting with you and you're just laying around watching TV, of course you're going to fall asleep.

Sometimes that is easier said than done though if he is symptomatic.

My vet gets like that too when he is stressed. I cant lay around and watch TV 24/7. It makes me want to pull my hair out after awhile. When he zones out on me, I have to find a project to do. A lot of times I'll cross stitch, crochet, read, dick around on my laptop or tablet... anything to keep my mind busy if I'm not interested in what's on TV. We're still spending time together, eating together, and intermittently chatting . A lot of the times we're leaning against each other or laying on the same couch. He's got crap taste in TV though, and just because we're together and he doesn't feel like interacting doesn't mean I have to watch everything he does.

Seriously... how much football can one man watch in a weekend??

 

[candor]

I can really relate to this one: "He kept saying he doesn't want us to have these discussions. He can't handle conflict." I could handle that if he got more physical. Its kind of cute watching him get all scared like a kitten and then not :-( He sees it like me declaring war on isolation. I guess that is what I am doing for now.

 

[catlover26]

I can really relate to this one: "He kept saying he doesn't want us to have these discussions. He can't h...

"Declaring war on isolation". Now that states it. At his age he doesn't go away and isolate physically but emotionally not dealing with certain things is isolation. And these can be minor things I bring up. And it will all depend on what kind of mood he is in.

I saw him yesterday for a short time and everything was a lot better. Up and down the roller coaster. I'm learning to hang on for the ride.