I don't know if my friend is crossing boundaries or is legitimately trying to help me

[joeylittle]

I feel bad for upsetting her. I didn't mean to.

You didn't upset her. She got upset. There's a big difference.

I'm also not surprised your peer got concerned when you mused aloud about wine and sleeping pills.

I cannot repeat this enough, @Iyllsa - an authentic DBT program would provide you with the support and structure you need. There are ways to learn to rely on yourself, and they can be learned; they also do not need to be learned alone.

You are confusing self-reliance with isolation.

You are also confusing support with attention. I think you are starting to understand that attention is not actually serving you well, and that you aren't getting support. But you will continue to ask for attention instead so long as you don't give yourself a different option.

Please research DBT programs in your area. I'm happy to help if you don't know where or how to look for them.

 

[Iyllsa]

I think you are starting to understand that attention is not actually serving you well, and that you aren't getting support.

I think you're right. Before my friend was allowed in, I kept everything to myself. She had no idea about my health or mental illnesses and I'm really good at hiding it.. I don't remember well, but I think keeping it a secret from everyone kind of encouraged me to find a way and not sit on it as I spewed it to another person.. I just miss how I was alone with it and suffered secretly with it. I'm not used to getting all of the attention that my friend does. She is my first best friend and the first that actually seems concerned and cares. I don't think it helps that she tends to be motherly which as something I lacked my whole life.

 

[Iyllsa]

Ever since Monday my friend, it feels, has put space and ignoring me. I think I know why, and I don't blame her. Maybe it's good, but it really hurts. She just all of a sudden stopped. We typically talk everyday, a good amount of the time, or at least have a little conversation once a day. Now, she won't talk unless absolutely feels like she needs to such as if she thinks I did something dangerous, then goes and scolds me and gets frustrated so much that she ends up ignoring me.. or if I start to think she's dead.

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, I think it's good for both of us because I want her to focus on herself and take care of yourself and I also wanted to put space between her and I in the sense of mental health, but this is flat out no communication whatsoever and it sucks to jump to this so quickly. I think she's doing this because my problems are stressing her out too much. I tried to ask her if I could try handling this alone or if I could put space, yet she insists I rely on her.. now she's feeling too stressed from it and finally stops talking abruptly. I can only assume that this is why, but I'm not sure.

And it hurts to know that she's talking to this friend of mine that I introduced to her only a week or two ago. They hit it off so well and he is better at making her feel better than me, which led to her talking to him over me now. It hurts. I knew this would happen, but I wanted my friend to be happy and to have someone who she can talk to and make her feel better which is why I encouraged they talk and contact each other.

I've already concluded that I'll give her space and not nag her or anything. If she doesn't want to talk then I'll leave her alone. Last time she was absent with me, I don't really know why she did it, but I tried reaching out because I was suicidal at the time and she replied by saying I need to find someone else to talk to. It hurt to be told that, but I knew, and still do, that it's true and I've been trying to find other people to talk to.

So this time I'll just leave it. As much as it hurts, I think this will help both of us.. I'm more interested in it helping her, honestly, and I know that's not good. I have a lot of feelings of dread for the future. This Sunday she's going to accompany me to a sleep study because I'm anxious about it and she's offering her company. So if she's still wanting to join me, then that's great, but I feel like that'll be the last time I'll see her for a very long time.

Sometimes I feel okay with the thought, or not "okay," but just fine. Not extremely sad or upset, but not happy. Just that, "this sucks.. it'll move along, but it sucks to be going through it now."

Then I'll get really sad or anxious because I don't want to be alone again and go through the terribly strong feelings of loneliness.

 

[hithere]

I don't think you are stressing her out. I think she is stressing you out. I had a friend that I really, really regret get into my therapy issues over 25 years ago of CSA therapy. Now that I'm at this again for bigger traumas that are crashing down for me, and I'm in therapy again--this time I can clearly see if my "friend" had not been one to violate what little boundaries I had my therapy would have gone sooooo much better. I would have been able to allow all the crazy emotions to coming flying out and the relationship with the counselor would have not been so "tainted" by this other person telling me what she believed I needed. Stuff i was not willing to do or was not even ready to do either. I had no boundaries, so I wish I would have worked on that first and kept that "friend' who was "enmeshed" in my stuff out of my life and therapy issues. I see now she thrived on drama and wanted to be a "rescuer" because she had no self-esteem of her own... Im a little a bitter about it even all these years later. Therapy without a "meddler" is still the hardest thing Ive ever done, but the difficulty has these rewards to it. Things get worked out.
I do want to say that my psychiatrist told me that going to therapist that isn't a "trauma" therapist-trained with models such as CBT DBT EMDR CPT etc. makes people with PTSD worse. That this a now a "known" fact. Talking about trauma without having skills and tools only re-traumizes the person and sends them into spirals. These were his words. He says he sees in the emergency room a lot. People forcing the traumatized to talk about it--makes them worse.
You may need another counselor though. Telling her you want to work on skills for suicidal feelings and she doesn't whip out some worksheets and get to working on that with you? That is terrible in my opinion. Hope I'm not meddling. But if you're saying I need some safety skills, some CBT suicidal ideation skills and she doesn't have any to work with you on would make me want to find another counselor.

 

[Spacecadetess]

My friend has noticed that I've been getting worse and feels really close to wanting to call an ambulanc...

Hi there,

it sounds like your friend is trying to be helpful but is coming across very forcefully. If she is not a qualified registered therapist then I would avoid allowing her to help you.
cPTSD treatment is a fragile step - by - step process.. you must first be stabilised and in the right mindset to continue therapy in the initial phases. Only a specialist in trauma should do this for you. Anyone else may inadvertently trigger you and then worsen your symptoms.

I would politely state some boundaries (which cPTSD survivors tend to struggle with). Don't feel bad about asserting yourself. If anyone is making you feel uncomfortable then your feelings are valid.

I unfortunately pushed my ex boyfriend too far as I am a psychologist.. and I inadvertently triggered him. But I respected his wishes to discontinue our relationship for the time being, we are still friends and I have learnt some hard lessons.

Please heed any warning signs if your friend reacts poorly to your stated boundaries, for example if you say: I would prefer when I see you that we do not talk about my triggers and just concentrate on having fun, and she reacts sarcastically, negatively, forcefully or in a controlling manner then I would cut the friendship or take a break. Some people enjoy acting like they are there to help, but are really doing it to raise their own self-esteem...for their own benefit. Be wary of such people.

A true friend respects your wishes and boundaries, but people are not perfect either.. but if her behaviour continues I would walk from the friendship for your own wellbeing. Look after yourself, and please message me if you would like to reach out privately :)