Childhood I don't know what my"insistent memories" are or how to deal with it

[obskuria]

Hi,
I was abused as a child and a few months ago I cut the abuser, a family member, out of my life and told my family what happened to me when I was a child. Ever since then my emotions blew up in my face, things I'd chosen to tuck away into my head and never think about ever again came back... But I don't think I have flashbacks. I know I'm not in the then, I don't feel or smell anything. But it's a insistent memory that just hits my head, I remember something, my stomach gets a rush of adrenaline and I get very upset. I started going to therapy before christmas, but the one I was going to told me on the second meeting that she was referring me to a centre that deals with women and girls who have gone through abuse, I have another meeting with her in a few days, but it will be mostly dealing with my anxiety and my trouble with food.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling and sorta throwing in a lot of information here, it's the first time I've reached out to a support group online. But my therapist thinks I have ptsd, my insistant memories along with anxiety and IBS seems to confirm it. But I'm not having flashbacks, which is good, I mean I'm very glad I'm not having them. But I don't know what to do about the memories, I try breathing and saying "I'm here, it's now and I'm safe" and that seems to work blocking it a little bit, but as soon as it's in my mind it's like my mind goes looking for it. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this right, I'm very tired after having dealt with one of these memories for the last two days. I'm really not sure what to do about it, anyone with similar issues?

I'm also becoming more and more sensitive to reading about things to do with abuse. Not just that but sometimes just reading something that mentions the family relationship that I was in with my abuser makes me uncomfortable, it's the same adrenaline to the stomach, prickly face, heart beating anxiety. It's getting to be a lot to deal with and I'm not sure what to do.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Hello and welcome obskuria!

It sounds like you are doing a good job of reaching out and trying to find help for yourself. That can be such a difficult thing to do. Going to therapy has saved my life more than once. It is never comfortable talking about traumas and issues but working through them with a therapist can make a huge difference on your outlook and life in general. I'm sure as you continue in therapy you will learn different tools and techniques to handle the anxiety and memories.

I know what you mean about being sensitive to things that you read regarding abuse. I am too. I also had to stop watching news programs and some TV shows because they were just too triggering. It has helped quite a bit actually. I figure if there is something in the news that I absolutely need to know, someone will tell me.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. All the best to you.

 

[Hashi]

Welcome to the forum, obskuria.

I'm sorry for your past experiences and what you're currently dealing with.

I've had to use a number of different approaches to intrusive memories. Sometimes I work with memories, for example by journaling, posting here or talking in therapy, but I would only do that when things were more stable. For example, when I'd established a relationship with a therapist and I had skills and strategies for looking after myself while processing trauma. It's important to work on building up those skills straight away, both with your therapist and on your own. If you search the forum for "grounding" you'll get some ideas.

At other times I'll use visualisation and distraction to move my mind away from them. The visualisation might be something like imagining putting the memory in a strong box, locking the box and putting it somewhere secure. You have to keep the imaginary key though, with the intention to open the box again at an appropriate time, for example later in therapy. This isn't to suppress memories again, it's to contain them.

If I felt like my mind was going looking for a memory I might come up with a visualisation for that - I don't know how you experience this, but sometimes when I feel my mind going somewhere I don't want it to, I picture it as a little entity floating out of my head and I imagine reaching out, catching it and putting it safely back in my head again. I do visualisation a lot - imagining it, telling myself it, drawing it = and it has made a huge difference.

The distraction is things like memorising a poem and reciting it back to myself, doing a puzzle or computer game, planning something I need to do - anything that occupies my thoughts.

I'm glad you've been referred for specialist therapy. No longer being able to suppress things is tough, but there comes a time when we have to work on recovery. I hope being on the forum will help you.

 

[Overcast]

It sounds like the intrusive thoughts I experience . What helped me deal with them is journaling. I would choose a specific time of the day when I was able to have time to do something positive for me afterwards. I would journal and allow myself to experience the emotions. At the end of the time I would stop and spend time doing something I enjoy. It doesn't surprise me that you are experiencing the intense emotions now. Your mind and body are feeling safe enough to deal with the pain now. When you were experiencing the abuse your body and mind did what it did by trapping the emotions in ways to protect your psyche and you were able to survive. Now it is saying your are strong enough to learn to deal with the pain and find new ways to move on with your life.

 

[obskuria]

Thanks for the replies and the warm welcome :) I'm just so happy and sad that someone who deals with similar things exists within reach of me, if that makes sense.

I don't know if I can deal with journaling, just having those memories outside written down somewhere, I don't know if I can handle that just now. I wrote down some of the nightmares I had that were not memories but just abuse like scenarios to my therapist, but that sort of got paused cause I got referred, if the specialist wants me to do the same then I will, but that feels a bit safer cause it will going to them and we can throw them away in their trashcan and it's not in my safe space, if that makes sense?

Earlier today when the memory came upon me I did a little "pretend" therapy session in my mind asking myself "why does this upset me" "do I understand that I'm in the present and he can't hurt me" "what do I want to do with this memory" and so on and that helped a little, it made it less dangerous, what happens often is that I get the huge surge of adrenaline and I just kinda run away from it, nope don't want to think about it, nope get it away. But my mind searches after it, like it knows it's something in my head that needs to be seen. I _think_ taking it out and looking at it and letting the memory be disarmed by remembering that I'm in the present and that yes it was a bad thing that happened, but it's not happening anymore, is a good thing. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong and needlessly upset myself by thinking about it too much.

Like Overcast says it recognizes that I can deal with them now, but I feel so lost like I'm reading up online about coping mechanisms and I've tried visualization but it doesn't work for me, I don't know why it's like I can't get myself to believe that the wall is really there or the box or any of those visualization things. The memory is still in my head, it's like a present demanding to be spoken to and dealt with and it's quite upsetting. I think I'm doing my best, I don't think I can hurt myself by doing these thought exercises, but I don't want to obsess to much on it at the same time.

I've recently come back home from spending weeks with my family over christmas and that proper _drained_ me so I think me reacting so badly to this memory has to do with not having enough energy to do much at all.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm confused as to why those aren't flashbacks?

 

[DMerish]

Welcome to the forum, obskuria -

You'll find lots of resources here and a lot of fine supportive people. Again, welcome.

Drew

 

[obskuria]

Solara, because I've been told flashbacks are when you think you're back in the trauma. I might be wrong.

Thank you Drew

 

[Ghostybear73]

It definitely could be a flashback. It would be nice if we could all experience a flashback and now exactly where we are during our trauma. Flashbacks are very complicated. I am glad you are being sent to someone who specializes in trauma, it will make a difference!!!!

 

[North4450]

I was also a victim of abuse. You never forget. But one day you will forgive enough to let it go. Forgiving does not mean that you say "what you did was OK" it means understanding what a sick person the abuser was and is. You will have a scar. After a wound heals it leaves a scar. But a scar no longer hurts. Set yourself free. Don't let this person take up space in your head rent free. Let it go. That's the first step on the road to peace and healing.

 

[BradAnderson]

I think it's the trauma-response to a situation that one can't fight or flee, so one simply becomes paralyzed, and the memory becomes "stuck" since the anger and hurt are never resolved.

I have similar problems; mainly since I had complex PTSD since early childhood, and so I was a target for abuse at school; but I'd get angry and fearful, and would either try go fight back, or I'd express my feelings, and refuse to go back. So I'd just go from one abusive school to another-- until my parents sent me to a mental hospital for "help," being told that I was "running away from my problems," and that "now I couldn't run away, so I'd have to learn to face them."
So I simply learned to hide my feelings and pretend everything was fine-- even to myself, even though I was continually in a state of panic and stress (this was in the 70's). But that's not what I remember.

It was afterward, when I went to a private school for "smart" kids, thinking I'd be safer there, and feel better about myself; but they were abusive in worse ways by putting me down as being unintelligent, or ridiculing and excluding me for other reasons; but the difference this time, was that I knew I couldn't leave, since it was branded as "running away from my problems;" I couldn't even avoid abusive people, or complain about them, because I was taught that I should "get along with people" and "not run away from my problems" etc. So I had to suppress my anger and hurt feelings, and everything else, and still interact with people while avoiding conflict; and I had to simply act happy and pretend nothing was wrong, while I felt positively sick, and things got progressively worse, being abandoned and isolated. And so, I felt horribly ashamed and inferior; and this was made worse because I had problems in schoolwork as well.

Now, over 32 years later, I'm having constant memories of these incidents, since it was for 5 years at a very pivotal point of my life, and I was bullied physically, emotionally, mentally and otherwise, while I felt embarrassed and ashamed of my condition, which I had to hide, thinking it was just my "running away from my problems;" so I forced myself to interact, trying to be like them and gain their respect and approval-- and face their abuse and rejection, while denying and rationalizing it to myself.

I'm plagued with memories of incidents, not only of abuse, but incidents where I'd just feel inferior and excluded, and where I didn't measure up to others who seemed to have superior advantages and abilities-- particularly since it gave me so much anxiety that it hurt my own schoolwork.
I guess the main reason for this, is that I was made to feel like nothing in the mental hospital, while being told there was nothing wrong with the way I was treated, and that all problems were my own doing or imagination; and so I was unable to escape the real abuse that followed, or even identify it as abuse.