I Don't Know What To Do

[Shay4]

I'm so confused.. My childhood guy best friend recently came to visit me for 9 days. He was Iraq and is diagnosed with TBI and PTSD. We talk everyday and all day for the past 6 years. I've helped him with relationships with girls etc. when he came to visit he played his video games the majority of the time. We didn't talk much except when making plans to do stuff. The first two nights he cuddled with me in bed then two nights after that he pursued me and we had sex. I found out he's been lying to me about being back with his exgirlfriend. He also left several days before he planned to leave. Why is he acting like this? We've always shared everything so him lying to me really hurts especially when I helped him with his relationship with this girl. Why would he be so distant when it's the second time I've hung out with him in person since we were kids? I haven't reached out to him since yesterday because he seems to be pushing me away so I don't want to bother him. Please help

 

[Casey_03]

What was his reason for visiting you? Was it meant to be a romantic visit or just a friendly one? Sorry, it's just not very clear. I think it makes a big difference depending on what the reason for the visit was. If he came to visit and you both had plans to go in the romantic direction, then his behavior is confusing. But if it was just a friendly visit that unexpectedly became romantic, then I think his behavior makes a bit more sense.

 

[CaitMiller]

I'm so sorry to hear this :/
It sounds like you've been a big supporter of his for a while, and I'm sorry it sounds like he is not being appreciative of that. I wish I could have an answer for that but I don't, I could only wish I had a friend helping me every step of the way of my PTSD. As for the video games, I unfortunately know way too much about that. Nearly all young military men play video games. I'm not sure if that's related to PTSD or not. I know that many of them play as an outlet due to their stressful job, and I could only imagine that ones with PTSD may play because they have no other way of connecting with others..? Not sure. You definitely need to have a conversation with him though, as painful as it may be. If he pursued you sexually he needs a good talking to, because that would mean that he led you on. Maybe later he is going to realize how amazing of a friend & a person you are, hopefully he hasn't damaged ya'lls relationship too much by then for you to be able to give him another chance.

 

[Shay4]

What was his reason for visiting you? Was it meant to be a romantic visit or just a friendly one? Sorry...

I'm not sure because we've been friends for so many years. But we have talked about him moving to the state I live in and about getting married. We both have kids so we did a lot with them while they were here. He says he has no interest in intimacy and has told me for years he hates sex. Also he gets jealous when I talk about other guys to him and again he continues to lie to me about his ex girlfriend who he's still dating. He tells me their not dating and he's not in love with her etc. he is a very quiet laid back guy. He's never been a guy that dates a lot of women or seeks attention. He's focused on his job and children. He attends therapy twice a week since his discharge in 2009. So he's more of a family man. He hates bars etc. he is flirty at times through text before he came down. Sorry this is all over the place I've never wrote in one of these before and I'm so confused about all this. Thank you for your help!

 

[Shay4]

I'm so sorry to hear this :/
It sounds like you've been a big supporter of his for a while, and I'm...

Thank you so much for responding! Yes I feel like I'm always there for him. He gets mad if I don't answer a text or call but when I need him he's never there for me. He will listen for a minute then the conversation goes back on his stuff. Honestly what hurts the most is that he lied to me and that he cut our time to see each other short. The video game thing is fine I deal with that with my kids too but the lie and leaving early hurts the most.

 

[Casey_03]

My guess would be that maybe he doesn't want to risk ruining the friendship you guys have. I mean, he can be flirty and talk about romantic things, but by having sex he finally sort of crossed the point of no return, and maybe that scared him. I would give him some space and some time and then maybe ask him directly where you guys stand. If it's confusing to me, I'm sure it must be a lot more confusing to you! And you do deserve some clarification on things, but, again, probably best to wait a bit before you ask for it.

 

[Shay4]

My guess would be that maybe he doesn't want to risk ruining the friendship you guys have. I mean, he c...

Thank you so much for taking time to respond. I always knew he wanted to be more than friends so that's why I think he lied to me. But leaving early has got me stumped lol. Luckily we don't live close so I can just go on with my life here but it still hurts. Thanks again for your help!

 

[Shay4]

should I still text as normal? He usually texts me first but he's made no effort to so I haven't texted him. Let me know what you think please

My guess would be that maybe he doesn't want to risk ruining the friendship you guys have. I mean, he c...

 

[Casey_03]

No, I wouldn't text right now. I'd wait at least a few days before texting anything. Just because from his behavior, it sounds like he needs space to think and texting will come across as pressure

 

[Deleted member 33052]

My guess would be that he is feeling ashamed and frightened. He may feel that he can't approach you right now. I would text him and let him know that you're confused.

I burned way too many bridges in my life and then carried the shame and regret with me as a constant reminder. I hope he doesn't do the same.

 

[CaitMiller]

It sounds like a one sided relationship to me, that's not really fair to you. Have you discussed this with him at all before? He should care about what goes on in your life as much as you care about what goes on in his.

 

[Shay4]

It sounds like a one sided relationship to me, that's not really fair to you. Have you discussed this...

Yes I have and he will try for a short time. I forgot to add some stuff... He sent me a glass rose for Valentine's Day which he never did anything like that before. He's never lied about his girlfriend until before Valentine's Day...he was pretty sarcastic and in a bad mood since he got here. When I told him that his meanness was making me sad he was nicer the rest of the time. I'm so confused because of how he acted and there was never an expectation for sex or anything romantic. I acted the same with him after we had sex bc I didn't want him to shut me out. I confronted him several times about wanting to hang out with him play cards or something and made it clear that we've been best friends since middle school and we're almost 40 now. So I wanted to hang out with him when kids were asleep. At first he paid more attention to me for one night then he was right back to blowing me off. It's so weird how he's acting. I'm trying to be normal and he's shutting me out. Thanks for ur help!