Undiagnosed I don't know what to do

[Steph11]

I'm no good at this and thought I posted earlier, but hadn't. I dont know where to start. I grew up with drug users as parents. I witnessed violence, criminal activity, drug taking, drinking and by the age of 6 I was in foster care. I was returned home aged 9, back to a similar situation. Needless to say, I grew up without the real knowledge to deal with things in the right way. I drank a lot for years, I became self destructive. Never took drugs. Never tried them. Just had a very unstable and traumatic life. Over the years I have tried to address the way I process things (mentally) and although I feel like I have, I'm just not sure. I know im not crazy, suicidal, depressed or even stressed. I'm now a 39 year old mum of 3, married to an amazing man. But somewhere in me in is the biggest amount of pain that just stays there no matter what good happens. On the surface I look like a normal happy person but deep down theres this pain. I don't know what it is, so I cant fix it. It doesn't allow me to move forward, it feels like whatever it is has a very tight grip on my life. I so badly just want to deal with it, but how can I when I have no idea what it is? I've battled to get this far and i can't give up now, that's why I need someone to please tell me what I do I need to do? I've got no family, no friends cause I don't socialize. I'm hoping that there's someone who can relate in some way to what I'm talking about. Sorry for the rambling.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to be forums! Have you considered therapy?

 

[Steph11]

Thank you for responding. My Husband did suggest that therapy might be something I should try. Im just not sure if bringing everything to the surface again is a good thing x

 

[Muted]

Thank you for responding. My Husband did suggest that therapy might be something I should try. Im just...

My experience is that if it isn't dealt with, it will eventually come up and keep coming up until it is. I also know it helps to have closure at some point.

 

[Steph11]

I would have to agree. This is more or less what has been happening for years. Everything is fine, then an occasion comes round or something happens and the reaction/feelings are back again. Even if it has nothing to do with whatever's going on. I just wish I knew how to fix this problem.

 

[Joan]

No magic pill or wand. It takes work. I would recommend therapy. Shoving it all down does not make it go away. Kudos for realizing something needs to be done and reaching out.

 

[Steph11]

Thank you. I want to try the therapy, just nervous I suppose. What type of therapy would I need to have.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

A trauma specialist with many years of experience is another option.

Here's a website which helped me Link Removed my latest therapist. It helps you choose a therapist for PTSD and dissociative conditions. It details the many options available for therapists, what is a helpful therapist, things to look for in a therapist, questions to ask during an interview, and then how you feel after the interview of the therapist.

 

[Steph11]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I have decided to speak to my Dr and as you recommended to see a trauma specialist. I think this is probably the best route to take. X

 

[A concerned spouse]

My husband felt the same way as you for years and I always knew something wasn't quite right. I knew he had a horific childhood but did didn't understand since I had an awesome childhood. As time went on and the stresses of life got more difficult (raising 3 kids) I began to notice he was handling stress worse and worse. Suddenly the death of his mother threw him into a full PTSD episode (we didn't know that then). Things got worse and worse and finally we sought out therapy for him. He was diagnosed with childhood trauma PTSD and I would love to say that therapy instantly helped him but it got worse before it got better. Nut a few months in therapy and the right medication, I could see the wonderful changes it was doing in his life (mine too). He has said he wished he would have caught out help years ago. It's hard emotional work but it's so worth it. You deserve a happy life. Everyone does!

 

[Steph11]

This has almost brought tears to my eyes. I always have felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. But after a few days of speaking to those around me, i feel that I must also be honest with those giving advice on the site... A year ago I was raped by a friend. I took and still am on amitryptiline. I haven't received any counselling. I thought I could cope but I can't. I feel so sick. So I think this is the problem and trying to be strong is killing me.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: you are not alone in this. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Keep taking the good steps you are taking to get some help and relief from the pain you are in now.