I Don't Know What To Say. I'm Bad At Threads

[Ed Norton]

Just lately I had my anniversary. This year I thought it would be ok. I wasn't triggered into anxiety but instead feeling loss. My life feels ruined and I keep thinking about all I lost from trauma. I am currently studying to take a test so that I can make a difference.

I feel that no matter what I'll never live up to my potential. I don't know what to really say. I don't like emotional talk. I feel that I can't have another hospitalization on my medical records because that will drive me further to ruin. Ideation is bad, I haven't been this scared before. The last time I was like this I did go to the hospital. The hospital feels like a failure and it's also another strike against me. I came out of these thoughts for a little while after talking to T. It's terrifying because I realize what I could have done and now I'm back to it again.

I don't know if I have a question. I probably just wanted to get this off my mind and talk about it. I don't talk about my feelings well. I feel like I have to now.

 

[shimmerz]

With you in spirit @Ed Norton. I commend you on the bravery of your post. Way to push through! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm glad you made a thread, I know it was hard, so it's a success :)

It feels ruined... That doesn't mean it is. Keep in mind, feelings aren't truths.

Hospitals are meant to help you, they are not a bad thing. It's not failure to be healing, it's failure to give up on it.

Can you have more theraphy sessions? And remember, this will pass, it's a current instability, and it feels like forever, but it will pass soon. Hugs :hug:

Hopefully any of this helps.

 

[ms spock]

:hug: Ed :hug:

 

[illusionist]

Just want to say I admire you from afar......from what I've seen of you on chat, you make a huge difference. Take special care young man.

 

[ms spock]

My life feels ruined and I keep thinking about all I lost from trauma.

You are so not alone with this. I have been crying about this this morning. Feelings aren't facts though.

I feel that no matter what I'll never live up to my potential.

I have been crying about this this morning as well. Feelings aren't facts though.

I feel that I can't have another hospitalization on my medical records because that will drive me further to ruin.

But what is a hospitalization in comparison to being dead? And instead of driving you to further ruin - it could save your life or give you skills to minimise coming to this emotional place.

Ideation is bad, I haven't been this scared before.

Oh Ed :hug: and :hug:

The last time I was like this I did go to the hospital.

I hope that you go this time as well. We need you Ed.

The hospital feels like a failure and it's also another strike against me.

As I was telling myself when I was crying this morning "Feelings aren't facts". Distorted cognitions are so tricky to deal with but so worthwhile.

I came out of these thoughts for a little while after talking to T.

I am so glad you came out of these thoughts for awhile.

It's terrifying because I realize what I could have done and now I'm back to it again.

That would be very scary. I am personally so glad that you didn't commit suicide.

I don't know if I have a question. I probably just wanted to get this off my mind and talk about it. I don't talk about my feelings well. I feel like I have to now.

It is great that you are talking about your feelings. I am glad you feel you have to - because at least you give us a chance to say soothing and reality checking things back to you - which if you let your feelings overwhelm you and you committed suicide we wouldn't be able to do that for you. And that would be terribly upsetting.

 

[Born to Run]

so that I can make a difference.

You will live up to your potential and make a difference, I am sure you can. A Dutch saying, maybe also in English: "Where there is a will, there is a way." Take care Ed.

 

[Poofycat]

Hang in there, Ed. We're all rooting for you. Just take it one day, hour, or even minute at a time. :hug:

 

[Ocean5]

life feels ruined and I keep thinking about all I lost from trauma.

I think a lot about that....

You are brave here, and to make such a post. Plus you actually have your face pic on profile. That takes A LOT of courage and strength!

Can you do outpatient daytime treatment program?

 

[seedling]

There is surely so much loss to mourn because of trauma. Anniversaries bring that sorrow up. But that doesn't mean that there is nothing else that comes after to fill our lives.

You are living up to your potential right now by dealing with this anniversary, starting a thread, coping with it all. So many are not pushed to achieve in their lives what you are achieving now by having to deal with this and keep going on. Your potential is happening every moment you strive to keep on.

Hang in there. Can tell how hard it is for you to write about.

 

[shimmerz]

I think a lot about that....

I used to think about this obsessively. It left me about 4 years ago. It has made healing much easier. I think (for me), it was mourning my fantastically functional (I thought) part of myself who had learned to limp in the world when in fact I thought I was racing through it.

 

[Ocean5]

Also a quote for you...at one point I had posted in 3 places in apartment.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.”
-Mary Anne Radmacher