I Dont Think He Understands, Sometimes I Dont Even Understand. I Just Feel So Lonely.

[Alice Rachel]

Im feeling really sad and low today. I went to the drs this morning because ive been feeling exhausted and shes sending me for blood tests. I couldn't sleep last night so I wrote my partner a little note asking for him to call the drs to book an appt. He was nice & made my appt and took me there. After the drs I burst into tears, my partner doesn't understand that sometimes I cry and im not really sure why & asked me what was up, I wasnt sure what to say so I said cuz I feel poorly.
He was meant to go away for the week this week to a convention thing but he didn't go in the end because he said he didn't want too (he gets really anxious in social situations so I think thats why he didnt go). On the way home from the drs he said it was a good thing he didn't go because of me being so ill this week. Im not sure why but I reacted a bit badly & said something like 'dont blame me' which set off a stupid argument which I didn't have the emotional capacity or energy to cope with so I ended up in floods of tears begging him to stop going on at me. He seems to think somehow I've made him out to be a wife beater to the landlords (we have to walk by their office to get in the flat) because i was crying and stomped up the stairs. I dont think i made him out to be a wife beater, im just upset exhausted and low and need some gentleness which he seems incapable of giving me its really confusing sometimes hes so sweet and supportive other times its as if im a burden on his existence. The wife beater thing seems to have nothing to do with anything that I said, i dont know where it came from. I just couldnt cope with a stupid argument about nothing. So now im lay in bed crying and he's in the living room and I just feel so sad and alone :-(

Love
A.R
X

 

[GWhizz]

Firstly, welcome.

I'm sorry you're having a rough start to your week.

I think sometimes our partners need to gain some more insight and education into ptsd before they can fully understand it and support us. Even at that, being a supporter can be pretty tough going. I'm not at all implying that your partner's reaction or comments were right. I think he just needs some time out too and I am sure once he's thought about the 'wife beater' comment, he'll realise it was inappropriate.

I also think you could have misconstrued his comment about saying it was a good thing he's around this week when your feeling poorly. Even if he didn't go for personal reasons, I'm sure he was merely implying that he was glad you wouldn't be alone going through this right now. That's just my take on it, forgive me if I'm wrong. But sometimes it's good to look at it from a different angle/perspective, or from his point of view even.

From personal experiences, I feel that if you both want to make this work, then he needs to get some more support to support you (eg. come to therapy with you one week and talk with your T if you have one on how he can be supportive and his role as your significant other; join the supporters part of this forum etc.), and you need to try to understand that even the most emotionally stable and supportive partner, is equally entitled to react or feel upset as they would whether or not you had ptsd. Afterall, we don't want to be treated differently just because we have ptsd. We just need a bit of sensitivity and understanding at times like this.

How would you feel if he came into your gp with you the next time? This may be a lot to ask of you I don't know but it's helped my relationship before and my partner to feel he is supported too as the gp would always ask him how he's coping.

Your partner does appear to be sensitive and supportive. Maybe you could try to embrace this and not do what I tend to do (push him away).

Let us know how the rest of your day goes :hug:

 

[LilBit]

This sounds like my house, where neither my husband nor myself have ptsd. A little of it may just plain be "normal" male/female partnership. We go through our emotional stuff. He gets all easily offended and flys off the handle. Usually because he is a) not feeling well and in pain or b) stressed out over issues that have nothing to do with me. And I tend to get emotional and often isolate because I am an only child who suffers depression. I have learned in 10 years of marriage that this too shall pass. And both of us have learned when to just leave each other alone.

 

[Alice Rachel]

:hug:

Thank you for your kind & thoughtful comment GWhizz I read your message earlier and I found it really helpful. I forget sometimes the ptsd is hard on him too, weve both been really stressed out recently because there's so much going on at the moment. He did mean he was glad that I wasn't alone, I just feel guilty because of the effects it all has on him.

He such a lovely & kind, caring and loving person but I do seem to test him to his limit when im emotional & feeling irrational, and seem to press all his buttons. I wish my stuff wasn't such a burden on him I think I push him away sometimes I do try not to when I realise ive done it though. Ive asked him to come and see my T a few times over the years but he seems to think that she wont like him or something. Ive suggested so many times that he could go see a councillor or someone to get support fot himself but he's had some bad experiences of T's & won't go.

Im ok now really tired & drained We've made up again & talked about it. He explained what he really meant by the 'wife beater' thing apparently because I was crying my eyes out in the car he thinks people that might see me will think im crying because he's done something really wrong to upset me & he put it in that way because he was feeling really stressed & angry.

Think we both need to learn to give each other some space to calm down & things.

Thanks
Ali
x

P.s sorry if my words are jumbly im really tired.

 

[Alice Rachel]

Thanks for your comment lilbit we are both really stressed at the mo & I think were both easily offended at the mo too thank you of reminding me of normal partnership things aren't always smooth either. I keep forgetting 'this too shall pass', could do with it tatooed on my wrist!

Thanks
Ali
x

 

[katz]

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum..but I thought that this might be a good place to start. I completely understand the situation that your speaking of. I have a husband who loves me, yet, he doesn't want anything to do with my PTSD. He is angry that I even have it. It did not show it's ugly face till at least 3 years into our marriage. He is blaming me for having it and just thinks that it is a condition--like a cold, that will just be cured and go away. He has no desire to learn about it or how he could help me thru it. I have no support from family, since I accused my father, which ruined all my relationships in the family.
I am so sad that I have had to deal with this alone for my childhood, and now, as an adult , also. I don't know if there is anyone out there that would love me as I am. I'm losing my hope of ever finding someone who can just accept me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it's funny @katz ,when I was younger I used to try to understand the depth of scholarly works or arguments, & not-withstanding I have great respect for those with the intellect to grasp & present such, but I've found from my life & the lives of others & also caring for people suffering in one way or another (& we really don't know to what extent, do we?, as we all mask so much pain), that ultimately solutions are not quick or easy, & sometimes there are no solutions at all, we just may be able to bear it in ways we didn't have before. So, so many people look at the symptomology, & then blame or judge or simply expect someone can 'get over it', but they do not think of the etiiology. And they do not see how critical accompanying someone in the struggles born of that etiology. The argument or insistence becomes directed at "don't present or express the symptoms & how you feel", rather than understanding 'why' someone feels as they do & perhaps presents as they do, & perhaps working on that. Which leads to a person keeping silent & trying to hide it & feeling lonely & misunderstood. Much judgement, little relating from the place of the other.

I think it explains why sometimes I do better if I can receive or remember something simple, be it words or even gestures. Sometimes like a child's words. Like I read once a story of a child who's friend's bike broke, & the other child stayed with them & cried because that was all he could do, & he felt badly for his friend. Adults are not inclined to see it that way. JMHO of course though.

 

[katz]

Thank you for your note, Junebug.I appreciate hearing from someone else who understands. I've realized over the years that what I really want may not be available. I finally found the right words to describe it.
"I want a man/person to love me unconditionally. Someone to just love me for being me." (and not for what I can "do" to them) I have always thought of this as something that a child needs to make them feel good and to accept themselves "as being who they are, and not anything else."