I don't think i deserve my t

[Scarlet13]

So, I would love some insight into my issue.
It feels like I do not deserve my T, like she is too good for me.
I did a recent post about my husband's financial infidelity. He lied for years about what we could afford. I struggled with insomnia and severe withdrawal issues to SSRI's and benzos. I had to go out of network. I had to use alternative care like accupunture. After awhile, I asked him to manage the finances along with mostly everything else. He also suffered a pay cut at work. Due to stress, fear of me committing suicide, and his own self worth issues he lied to me. So, unbeknownst to me, we went into major debt and the main bulk of the debt is just all of my medical care that added up.
So, we will be starting marriage therapy.
I am still seeing my out of network trauma therapist. She is a trauma specialist and I have worked hard for 2 yrs to build up trust.

But those 2 yrs were all a lie, we could never afford it. It is all on the credit card.
But, the thing is that during all of this mess, my husband managed to land a really good salary, so now we actually can afford my out of network T and we can get out of our debt too.

But, I feel like I do not deserve her. I felt at my last session, that she is too good for me. It felt awful to tell her about my marriage. I was so full of triggers, I felt such shame. I had to pay her in ATM cash that we had to borrow.
Now, it is better as my husband has started his job.

I just feel so ashamed. I have PTSD and managed to get in a codependent relationship. I hate coming to her with all the aspects of my life that are not good as she seems like she has her shit together.
She is successful, she is attractive, she sleeps well.

I don't want to bring all of this up as I do not want to offend her. As apart of this not feeling good enough for her, I worry that she hates me and finds me ridiculous.

I just think that I need to find a T that I don't admire as much that takes insurance, so I don't feel so bad about seeing her.
I don't know if any of this makes sense or what I am even asking.
Maybe if any one can relate?
Maybe if I should stick it out with her?

 

[Ronin]

Is it codependence, if she's just doing her job & you're benefiting as a client? To me that sounds as two people doing what they should be doing in that sort of a relationship, not toxic to either side - and not really what I imagine under codependence, which implies toxicity & erroded boundaries with a cycle of pleasing and needs fulfillment that isn't healthy.

It sounds more like self consciousness issues on your part that may be good to address together. Plus a lot of personalization thrown in that she's probably not even thinking about, yet you are. :)

I would definitely stick around - and share with her how you feel and about the insecurities. You may find they reflect different issues than her altogether, and get some respite from them.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, you are right about me personalizing my T.
The codependency issue is in my marriage and I feel ashamed of this in front of my T.

 

[scout86]

I think there are a lot of people with PTSD who manage to end up in co-dependent relationships, for a start.

There are also quite a few posts, I think, for people who feel like they aren't worthy of their therapist's time and attention. I can relate, quite personally to feeling that way. (He says he can look out for himself, "thanks for your concern". LOL)

I hate coming to her with all the aspects of my life that are not good as she seems like she has her shit together.

Would there be much point in working with her if she DIDN'T have her shit together?

I suspect there are probably a bunch of cognitive distortions floating around in all of this and it's got more to do with you questioning your own value and maybe even wanting to punish yourself than it has to do with anything else. My personal opinion is that you should stick it out, at least for awhile, and work through these uncomfortable feelings. It's probably part of the process.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, there are a lot of cognitive distortions here. There is a sort of punishment thing im doing.
I grew up with a lot of financial insecurity and the feeling that I should never buy anything ever.
So, it is hard to see an out of network T.
She is just too good for me.
I also, for practical reasons, cannot find anyone like her in network. She is a trauma focused PsyD.
I admire her. She just seems like she just lives such a great life and I do not want to be so shitty in front of her.
I need a cheap, frumpy T.
She wore a pencil skirt and heels at our last session.
I was in a hoody with bags under my eyes.
I have been thru the ringer with benzo withdrawal and just when I have started to feel like I am coming thru it, my marriage needs some work. We are in major debt.
I also need to buy a car, and it is hard to buy anything!
I am actually avoiding my T right now because I do not want to sit in front of her with my life falling apart.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it codependence, if she's just doing her job & you're benefiting as a client? To me that sounds as two...

I think she was saying the codependent relationship is with her husband, not her therapist.

 

[Ronin]

Ah okay, different reading then, @EveHarrington.

Thanks for the clarification.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Transference and not reality with the t. If you go somewhere else these feelings will come up again. Sounds like your husband did his best to help you. Telling you about the debt wouldn’t made you feel so guilty and awful when you were already going through so much. You said you feel like your marriage is a sham because of that? Am I missing something?

 

[Scarlet13]

I think it was hard to explain it in my original post. It felt hard to write it.
It feels like everything is a sham.
I do not feel he did his best to help me.
Doing his best would be to be honest with me.
Now, I just do not feel like spending money at all.
I just felt so much shame last week when I saw her. I just don't know how to explain it.

 

[mumstheword]

Hey Scarlett. Sorry to hear you're hurting so much over this. I just wanted to tell you I empathize and I get the shame and distrust. I do think it sounds like an emotional flashback though. I had one of those in relation to my loving partner the other day and I shared with him the shame that it brought up for me, it was good, I was able to put it back on my abusers because it was clearly something that related to my past more than my present. Those things are horrible so I'm sending you ((((((Hugs))))) if that's ok.

 

[UnicornSightings]

You say “doing his best would’ve been to be honest with me”. So it’s safe to say this is your belief. YOUR belief. What is HIS thought on it? You can go ahead and take your thoughts only and suffer but if you don’t take into account how others think and remember everyone thinks about things in different ways you will only be hurt.

You don’t feel like spending money at all anymore? It seems like you’re in the extreme thinking trap. Because you guys spent so much, even though now your husband will be making more money and even though he will be able to pull you guys out of the debt he got you into to help you, you’re worried about money and feel distrust towards him?

You also talk about all this shame. I personally don’t see anything shameful here and I don’t think you t would, either. So the shame being present is very important to address becuase it has nothing to do with the current situation. Seems like it’s rooted in past beliefs. I’d definitely work to figuring it out.

I really hope marriage counseling can help as well.