I don't want to / can't do this anymore

[EmmaOwl]

I can't help but be surprised that people answer "be celibate" in response to "abusive relationship". That's not the point. Eve you could go to a party/bar pick someone up and leave HIS place in the morning. Then, don't call him. Ever. Even if you have the walk-of-shame deal. Be proud to wear the same clothes to work two days in a row, is what I say! ;)

Should you? Well probably not the best idea in terms of mental health and it certainly doesn't give me any moral high ground, but that's what I did for some years. Ok, ok, not awesome behavior, but I justified it to myself because I thought "Guys deserve it" - I joke a little about this now because I try to deal with the knowledge that I may have treated boyfriends - not to mention boy friends - so very badly.

But there can be something in between. There's room for more casual relationships but the point is what makes you personally comfortable. I hope you find it, Eve - a way that makes you feel more comfortable and happier. Maybe for you, waiting is right. Although I did some things I regret, I also never planned to get married nor even really planned a life as part of a duo. Nor did I plan to remain celibate. Ugh.

I know it's not easy, as I can't seem to make a friend, let alone find a decent boyfriend. Just tellin' my opinion. I was in the ER yesterday and I had to tell them, "No, I'm really REALLY sure I'm not pregnant. REALLY sure." (aka "Please don't make me pee in a cup before you xray my goddamn arm.")

 

[EmmaOwl]

I've met someone else and things are going great so far. It makes me wonder why I was putting up with his BS?

GOOD RIDDANCE TO HIM!

Awesome news, Eve! :cool:

 

[EmmaOwl]

I have no friends in real life so he was the only person I talked to outside my family.

Me too. I am the same way except I didn't and don't even have a sketchy guy. I tell myself I always wanted to be on my own.... but I never imagined it would be in this manner - it used to be a choice and now it seems like a closed file. I don't know how to meet people where I live now, and even when or if I do, my energy is so limited. I can't imagine acquiring a boyfriend, at the level of illness I'm at right now. I would be unable to be part of a balanced relationship, straight from the get-go. At this point, my illness and my age... I don't expect that to change, ever. I seem to be done. (How's that for a negative statement??)

I met him online.

Yes, I know. Very pathetic. I have to resort to meeting people online.[/QUOTE...

I've met some very nice people online! In the dark days of AOL and that screeching connecting noise on your modem in the 90's... I got to know some very good people! And some jerks. Just like real life.

Many years later, and here I am like you, Eve, on the no friends. It's a pretty rotten way to live, and I'm really sorry. I wish I knew what better to say. Let me know if you come up with a good way to deal with all this BS... I could do with some guidance also, I think.

Friends. It can be awful to think about. Even here, I feel like I'm trailing behind everyone else.

 

[EveHarrington]

Me too. I am the same way except I didn't and don't even have a sketchy guy. I tell myself I always wa...

No friends IS a pretty rotten way to live. I know I've healed a lot. I also know I have a long way to go. I reached out to an old friend and she pretty much slammed the proverbial door in my face asking what was going to be different this time. I told her that I missed her friendship and know I've grown a lot as a person. In a way I'm glad she showed her true colors as I was able to see that she took zero responsibility for the downfall of our friendship. (She had zero boundaries and crossed the line constantly in the name of friendship!) I can no longer handle people without boundaries. (Family members get a little more leeway.)

 

[Beans]

This is a bit off topic from where the thread is at the moment, but I wanted to chime in. This topic is always weird for me. Because of my trauma and ways of relating at the moment, healthier men lose interest in me quickly, like days. My super focus on the other and codep ways makes me catnip to covert narcs. But that's on me at this point in my journey. It's on me to learn new ways of relating and having boundaries so I can relate to healthier pple. Healthier pple's interest in me honestly freaks me out lol. Reciprocal relationships without me begging the other to care about me just are not in my wheelhouse. Just not sure if it's better to wait til I'm a bit healthier or if that's avoidy. Shrug. All I know is I miss sex lol.

 

[EmmaOwl]

No friends IS a pretty rotten way to live. I know I've healed a lot. I also know I have a long wa...

I reached out to an old friend and she pretty much slammed the proverbial door in my face asking what was going to be different this time.

I'm sorry. I got in touch with an old friend who said nothing but, "Do not ever call or contact me again." and that was IT. Never heard from him again.
And all I had done wrong was get very sick. I was unable to be his best friend for a while, and needed help that he was unable to give - but that was more like disappearing than any other moral failing on my part. I never treated him badly.. and hell I LIVED. I thought he might've wanted to know that. Apparently he felt betrayed ? I don't know, but I can't imagine saying that to anyone - let alone an old friend who had fallen on hard times.

This happened a long while ago and I can deal with it now but it is one of those hallmarks that you never forget. Even years later I will not call a man - a friend who I did not even burn (when I burned other responsibilities on my "must-do" list - due to being suicidal and all) rejected my friendship so brutally. Very self-righteous guy and a huge blow to me when I was actually trying to take a step forward. Ugh. It sounds like we've dealt with some similar issues, Eve. :( I guess..well we're both working on it, aren't we? We're here at least.
Thank you for giving me the chance be honest about this touchy subject of friendships, relationships... or lack thereof.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm sorry. I got in touch with an old friend who said nothing but, "Do not ever call or contact me aga...

I think that's horrible! I mean I'm pretty laid back with friendships. I know life happens. If I lose touch with someone (for whatever reason), I'm just happy to hear from them again. We pick up where we left off.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Believing a guy is going to like me for me is like believing in pink flying elephants. I've never had that before, and with zero self worth, it's impossible to believe that anyone would want a relationship with me given that I have nothing positive to bring into a relationship (not attractive/major mental illness/not financially secure/sexual issues).

God, I know this feeling. Its hard to have hope when you have PTSD.

 

[bento]

I was raised by abusive psychopathic mom and narcissistic absentee dad. I was raised to be
their caretaker, and emotional trash can. You can just imagine the types of "relationships"
I ended up in.

The thing I learned is that without question when someone crosses a sacrosanct boundary
(and let's be real, we all seem to know an a**hat when we see one), that behavior is just
not going to go away. The majority of my crisis have been related to having relationships
with pathological people.

But here's the thing. Why did I keep picking such people? Well for one I would basically be
friends with just about anyone. Because of PTSD, I became reclusive and because of this
when I did get out to socialize, I just let whatever happen, happen. NOT a good way to
go about making friends or meeting potential partners. It's insane really.

And then when people behaved poorly or even abusively, I either took the blame or accepted
their ridiculous excuses. Now I'm single and with few friends. And less lonely than I was
before ironically. Being mostly alone has been a good thing. It's taught me that my primary
problem that led me into crappy one sided relationships was my profound lack of self care/self love.
I would run away from this reality and into the chaos of a relationship with a personality
disordered drama or abuse queen (male or female)

By sticking with a better self care program, my self regulation improves. Which means I'm
more relaxed and able to discern who's a good fit and who isn't. And also stay calm in the face
of red flags. I also can better force myself to get out and attend 12 step groups (and yes
I hate the cultish weird vibe sometimes, but hey can't beat a $2 support group and there are
nice folks there) or meet up groups, clubs (haven't done this quite yet), the gym or classes. There
are lots of places to meet potentially good friends. We do, however, have to get out of the house
to meet them.

Eliminate the disordered and create a space in your life for what you really want. Practice good
self care (yeah, right, easy huh?) and then get out and find people who like to do the same
stuff you do. I know for me, with toxic folks in the mix and poor self care, it just wasn't happening.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I recently broke up with a guy after two years when I finally realized he put so much pressure on me about having sex! I think one day I finally woke up & realized, “wait!! I AM allowed to say NO!” When that started happening, it all went downhill. I was sad & I missed things about the relationship for a while, but like you, I felt RELIEVED. I didn’t have to psych myself up, get drunk, or come up with other scenarios in my head while I gave him what he wanted anymore. I know it’s super hard for us to feel like we are meant for anything more than just sex after some of our traumas, but you should be proud that you were strong enough to end it! :) while it may be sad for a little while, you have shown a LOT of strength by ending a relationship that wasn’t healthy for you! Thats huge @EveHarrington !! That tells me you must have a teeny tiny inkling of self worth in there even if you don’t think you do. Hold on to that tiny inkling! Hugs to you! I’m fighting right beside you.