I Don't Want To Have Ptsd Anymore :(

[Deleted member 22607]

Hey guys.

I haven't been on here much lately and I just need a bit of support. I'm sick of thinking I'm over PTSD, and then something triggers me again :( In late October I heard about a Reiki therapist in town (basically a kind of hands-on energy healing) and thought I might go and see what happens. I know a few people who were either grieving or had PTSD and went for a Reiki session, they said it helped. So I went and it really did help. I felt amazing for the next two weeks, happier than I'd ever been since "it" happened. My nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks etc were gone. I thought I didn't have PTSD anymore and I was so happy!

And last Monday I got the news that a little girl I knew had died of cancer. That night my nightmares came back, and the rest of my symptoms with them. Back to square one. UGH. I keep thinking I've moved on, and then something happens. I don't want to have PTSD anymore. I want to be NORMAL. And I'm sick of children dying around me. I don't know why but it keeps happening, and they're always around the same age too (6 or 7 years old). I feel like my life is getting weird and crazy and I wish this would STOP FRIGGIN HAPPENING. Ugh ugh ugh.

Anyway I'm going to a bereavement support group tomorrow and I hope that helps. I'm still trying to find a therapist at my university but their organization isn't great (I went to student services and they told me to email them, so I emailed them and they replied to go to student services...). Plus the first anniversary of one of my traumatic events is coming up, and honestly all I want is to hide in a small, dark place and not come out until 2014. Or even better, for my fairy godmother to turn up, wave her wand and make my PTSD go away. I'm sick of this.

Thanks for "listening". Hope you're all doing better than I am.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

There was another thread recently about the idea of 'getting over' PTSD. I'm sorry to say that the near-consensus emerged that we are really never 'over it'. We can learn to cope, to catch ourselves when we fall, and sometimes need others to catch us. Trying to think that we're over it or even that it's possible to be over it is an illusion.

It sets us up for disappointment and prevents us from finding hope and control in learning to cope. We place all our hopes into getting over when we should be focussing on coping mechanisms.

I'm sorry to be a downer about it, but I hope that what I'm saying changes the focus just a bit toward more attainable goals.

 

[Toranoko]

Re-Triggers are tough to deal with. I've been told it can be done, but I've never done it myself.

If Reiki helps, then go back for another session. Or more. There are some meditations/visualizations that you can be given as well; I can't say whether your Reiki practioner will know them or be able to create them for you however.

Disclaimer: I am a Reiki Okuden ("Advanced"; Level II) level practitioner. (I told you guys I learn too much ...)

 

[Madhather]

I concur with WillyKat. It took me years to understand that no matter how much work I put in the traumas still happened. So focusing on learning skills to deal with the symptoms of PTSD give me the ability to take back my power and feel more in control. :tup:

 

[Hashi]

If Reiki helps, then go back for another session. Or more. There are some meditations/visualizations that you can be given as well; I can't say whether your Reiki practioner will know them or be able to create them for you however.

I agree. I was thinking as I read your post that you seem to be saying you felt better for a bit so experiencing symptoms again makes you despair. I wonder if you could see it as, you felt better for a bit so there's hope that you can build on that and feel better and better.

I know the prevailing idea is that we never get over PTSD and never get free of being susceptible to symptoms. I don't agree. I'm free of flashbacks, nightmares and hallucinations which I used to have, thanks to somatic therapy and a huge amount of work on visualisation and psychic protection. No-one gave me my visualisations, I just made them up in response to what I was experiencing.

I'm still dealing with memories, intrusive thoughts, and - especially - anxiety, but I don't see those as a life sentence either.

The thing is, getting better isn't a straight line. It gets better, things get bad again, it gets better, things are a bit worse, things are much better, things get a bit difficult...

In the end, yes better. But it's a bumpy road to get there and you have to keep working at it. I think that's worth it though. I do think we can get free of this. If we keep working... and if you've found something that helps you I wouldn't expect it to fix everything in one go. I believe in healing but I don't believe in miracle cures. Anything that helps, I'd definitely keep doing it.

 

[Deleted member 22607]

Thanks everyone. I know I won't ever be "healed", as in 100% better and as if I'd never had PTSD before. I wish I could but I know that's not possible. Hashi, it's comforting to know that you can get better though. And I will try to book another Reiki session, I think it really does help, even if it's just temporary :)

On a similar note - any ideas on how to cope with anniversaries and such? I'm struggling with that a lot at the moment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Hashi,

You contradict yourself. You claim to be symptom free then list symptoms in the next sentence. I hate to break it to you but you're not symptom free, and if you truly believe you're free and don't require a higher level of self care, then why are you here? If I was free of PTSD I wouldn't stick around a support forum as I wouldn't need it. I'd find a new hobby lol

 

[Hashi]

Where did I say I was symptom free? I said the symptoms I'm free of and I said the symptoms I'm still dealing with. One of which is anxiety, which I post about here a lot.

I said I believe we can get free of being susceptible to symptoms, not that I'm free of all symptoms. I'm still working on some. The reason I said free of being susceptible is that the view most people have seems to be that they can feel better but symptoms can return at any time, even after years. Which is what I see the thread being about, although on a much shorter time scale. I see a difference between the "going forwards and backwards" of recovery and thinking that you will always be prone to symptoms your whole life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok well get on with your bad self. Don't go for that higher level of self care that we need. But, if you have a re-triggering event, don't be surprised in a resurgence if symptoms. I had a VERY minor re- triggering event which I never discuss as it was so incredibly minor. It's proof enough to me that PTSD has caused a change in me that requires me to be on my toes and ready for any such minute event that may increase symptoms. Some say it's negative thinking, I say it's being proactive.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

It's such a horrible, helpless feeling. I'm so sorry you felt better only to get your hopes up. I just wanted to let you know I 'listened' and care. Sending positive thoughts your way!

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Solara Some people are different from you, and while that that higher level of self care can be amazing it seems like @Hashi knows what's working for them at the moment and has a pretty positive outlook.

I don't think anyone should be critiqued on how they choose to heal, as were all still here so obviously none of us has figured it out 100%.

Different opinions and ideas on here continue to give me new things to try, new ways to look at things. I appreciate your positive thoughts throughout the bad, @Hashi :)

 

[Britt.f7]

PTSD is just one of the things I wish was gone. My husband was just talking about my disability(which isn't PTSD), the other day. Saying without it he may never have met me. I have to say, the one good thing about getting treatment for PTSD was that it brought me to my husband and put me in a frame of mind to accept his goodness. Trust me, I waiver at times because of it.

I agree you should go back to Reiki, even if it is temporary. Thing is, what is permanent? My sister often goes for massages to release her tensions and she has MS. It may not be a cure all, but sometimes a temporary fix is what we need until we need it again. That's okay. It is part of healing. I'm good for awhile. Then something will rear it's ugly head and I'll be in a fix. But I get through it. Reiki does that for you. That's good that you found something that works for you.

I'm sorry you are having trouble at the university trying to find help. I have a nephew who is suffering from depression who is having the same problems at his college. Really, I would think that the colleges would be old hands at this. Surely you are not the only person who has needed help.

I wish you well.