I don't want to kill myself but i feel like i have to.

[Montgomery]

I just feel like even if i get better it won't be enough. And that my abuser pretty much ruined me and there is no way of me functioning in a healthy or normal way again. I definitely feel like the mental effects of the abuse are irreversible and because of them i can never be happy again. It sounds really dramatic considering people get better and happy all the time, but i just feel like it was like torture tailored just for me and it's so deeply ingrained into all my other disorders and insecurities that it would take more than a lifetime to untangle.

Basically, living in a personal hell someone else created for me is exhausting and more painful than it's worth.
And it's not just the PTSD because at this point i feel like even if there was a possibility of everything working out in some way i don't really want it. Because before i met him, i had missed out so much on life already because of my other issues and was so happy to get better and get back into life so to speak. And then then he took an even bigger chunk out of my life and i just have no interest whatsoever in life after this. I have tried to find the motivation and i try my best in therapy but it just seems really pointless.
But like the title, says i desperately wish i didn't feel that way and it makes me even more depressed that this is my only option. It also makes me SO INCREDIBLY ANGRY at my abuser and the world. Which is also a f*cking chore to deal with.
Anyway that's the reason im posting this, im hoping for someone to say some words that will miraculously bring me some optimism and the will to live lmao.

Idk, i guess i've just given up?

 

[Gs172003]

I just feel like even if i get better it won't be enough. And that my abuser pretty much ruined me and there is no way of me functioning in a healthy or normal way again. I definitely feel like the mental effects of the abuse are irreversible and because of them i can never be happy again. It sounds really dramatic considering people get better and happy all the time, but i just feel like it was like torture tailored just for me and it's so deeply ingrained into all my other disorders and insecurities that it would take more than a lifetime to untangle.

Basically, living in a personal hell someone else created for me is exhausting and more painful than it's worth.
And it's not just the PTSD because at this point i feel like even if there was a possibility of everything working out in some way i don't really want it. Because before i met him, i had missed out so much on life already because of my other issues and was so happy to get better and get back into life so to speak. And then then he took an even bigger chunk out of my life and i just have no interest whatsoever in life after this. I have tried to find the motivation and i try my best in therapy but it just seems really pointless.
But like the title, says i desperately wish i didn't feel that way and it makes me even more depressed that this is my only option. It also makes me SO INCREDIBLY ANGRY at my abuser and the world. Which is also a f*cking chore to deal with.
Anyway that's the reason im posting this, im hoping for someone to say some words that will miraculously bring me some optimism and the will to live lmao.

Idk, i guess i've just given up?

My take on your post? If you have truly given up you wouldn't have asked for somebody to give you hope.
Maybe you haven't really given up. Maybe you're just tired. All of this is a heck of a lot of work. But, isn't everything that's worth it? The statue of David wasn't sculpted in a week. But look how beautiful it is. Maybe look at how beautiful your life could be once you get through the work.
I wish I had better things to tell you but I don't. Ultimately it's up to you what you do but know that what you see now? Isn't all there is.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Montgomery no magical words but I relate to all but the anger.

Not sure if it's helpful, but 'have to' is different than 'choose to'.

I was thinking about some study/ program for people with SI, where someone just consistently reaching out to them apparently made all the difference. I think I realized, thinking on it, that there's a difference, I believe, between adding the effort of 'valuing' to someone who has it already, than to someone who does not have any or much of being valued.

Also, though, the very circumstances that started the whole ball rolling, come to fuel it- avoidance, withdrawl. Technically, at least, they are within our control to change. But to do that, goes against even our desire at that point (well mine, really, if I'm honest). But then, what is left but a vision of a lifetime of the same. So the change, if it does or can happen, has to come from within, what we do, choose, fight the natural inclination towards. I suspect it's the fight of a lifetime.

Welcome to you.

 

[ChildofGod]

I feel as though PTSD and its effects have worn you down, physically and mentally. The anger and rage you feel are just.
It isn't fair that we must deal with the effects of the abuse, most often alone.
I hope that you find that spark of hope. People do care about you. Especially here in the forums.

 

[Sideways]

but i just feel like it was like torture tailored just for me and it's so deeply ingrained into all my other disorders and insecurities that it would take more than a lifetime to untangle.

I relate to this statement a lot. And maybe it’s projection, but I’m hearing a whole tonne of both anger and grief in your post.

My abuser didn’t tailor his abuse to me personally. But he did do training in some of the methods he incorporated, and he fine-tuned his abuse process on others before he got to me. So, there’s a lot of times where I’ve thought, “How do I fix that? When he went to sooooo much effort to screw me up?”

The answer, I think? Is that we recover exactly the same way everyone else does from abuse like this. It doesn’t matter if the abuser was acting intentionally or not, skillfully or not, tailoring it to you personally or not. The damage, and the recovery? Covers the same steps. A bit at a time.

Which brings me back to the grief and anger. It definitely won’t feel like it right now? But that’s part of the recovery process. It feels shit, but you’re actually recovering, right now. This is one of the phases we go through.

It hurts like hell, but you’ve reached out, you’re expressing what you’re feeling brilliantly - you have every reason to think that you’re going to recover. You have a lot to grieve, and you are absolutely justified in being angry on your own behalf.

This part will pass. Recovery is a process, not a point. It will get easier in time. Right now? We’re with you, you’re gonna get through this, and it will be worth it. More than worth it.

 

[Montgomery]

My take on your post? If you have truly given up you wouldn't have asked for somebody to give you hope.
Maybe you haven't really given up. Maybe you're just tired. All of this is a heck of a lot of work. But, isn't everything that's worth it? The statue of David wasn't sculpted in a week. But look how beautiful it is. Maybe look at how beautiful your life could be once you get through the work.
I wish I had better things to tell you but I don't. Ultimately it's up to you what you do but know that what you see now? Isn't all there is.

I guess you're right.
It doesn't feel worth it though, and i can't see how my life could ever be beautiful. I try really hard but it just feels unrealistic.
That's the problem i guess. Even if im wrong.

I hope that you find that spark of hope. People do care about you. Especially here in the forums.

Thank you <3

I relate to this statement a lot. And maybe it’s projection, but I’m hearing a whole tonne of both anger and grief in your post.

My abuser didn’t tailor his abuse to me personally. But he did do training in some of the methods he incorporated, and he fine-tuned his abuse process on others before he got to me. So, there’s a lot of times where I’ve thought, “How do I fix that? When he went to sooooo much effort to screw me up?”

The answer, I think? Is that we recover exactly the same way everyone else does from abuse like this. It doesn’t matter if the abuser was acting intentionally or not, skillfully or not, tailoring it to you personally or not. The damage, and the recovery? Covers the same steps. A bit at a time.

Which brings me back to the grief and anger. It definitely won’t feel like it right now? But that’s part of the recovery process. It feels shit, but you’re actually recovering, right now. This is one of the phases we go through.

It hurts like hell, but you’ve reached out, you’re expressing what you’re feeling brilliantly - you have every reason to think that you’re going to recover. You have a lot to grieve, and you are absolutely justified in being angry on your own behalf.

This part will pass. Recovery is a process, not a point. It will get easier in time. Right now? We’re with you, you’re gonna get through this, and it will be worth it. More than worth it.

Im glad you think im expressing myself "brilliantly", i always feel like i don't quite get my point across. So thanks for that :)

And idk i guess i just don't have the patience or endurance to get past this phase of recovery. Much less whatever phase comes after.
I think im already getting myself ready for another attempt. It just feels like the only way out even after all these amazing and kind responses...
I guess im beyond help.

 

[Tinyflame]

It doesn't feel worth it though, and i can't see how my life could ever be beautiful. I try really hard but it just feels unrealistic.
That's the problem i guess. Even if im wrong.

It's really hard to believe feelings aren't facts, when they're bad/ negative feelings.

And idk i guess i just don't have the patience or endurance to get past this phase of recovery. Much less whatever phase comes after.

That is feeling what comes after will be just as bad or worse. The future is unknown but easy (easier) / natural to expect the worst; I think it's a default to reduce pain/ shock/ horror/ loss.

One small (forward/ happy/ peaceful/ learning/ positive) step at a time, plus sort of a stabilization/ recovery mode, when necessary.

:hug:

 

[HealingInProcess]

I feel as though PTSD and its effects have worn you down, physically and mentally. The anger and rage you feel are just.
It isn't fair that we must deal with the effects of the abuse, most often alone.
I hope that you find that spark of hope. People do care about you. Especially here in the forums.

This times onw hundred. There is an enormous physical component of this that just wears you down and I have had to work out of it. I do that by breaking out my routine and doing something quirky and also taking away all expectations. I also realize that my whole purpose in life can't be wrappez up in "getting over it." The process is actually not on my control but in God's hands and I have to let it play out. Its been a tremendous grind but times like these I go to a museum or walk in the park or whatever. It helps

 

[Starfire]

Have no miraculous words for you. Not sure there are any. At least there weren't every time I was where you are. In fact, it took me time to crawl up to where you are...telling someone what was really going on inside. My preferred behavior was a happy smile everything is just wonderful approach. More happy outside, the more desperate inside. Found a T...required not wanted at the time...who laughed along with me while calling bullshit. Encouraged...BTW hate that word!...me to change my world if I didn't like it. Course he left out how hard that is & how time consuming & scary. Did things sometimes, I think, just to prove to him they wouldn't make a difference. But I'm still here & there are things I really like in my life now & don't want to give then up.

 

[Tinyflame]

it took me time to crawl up to where you are...telling someone what was really going on inside. My preferred behavior was a happy smile everything is just wonderful approach. More happy outside, the more desperate inside. Found a T...required not wanted at the time...who laughed along with me while calling bullshit.

That's like me.

I think there's a lot of grief and fear to wade through, and while it's so exhausting. :(

As many years go by, I think it comes back to to everything that's included with it: connection; attachment; learning or re-learning confidence or rather trust, and dealing with anxiety and depression; peace of mind; adjusting physiologically; cognitive re-shaping and re-framing, and working on distortions; core beliefs; grieving; anticipating and reducing symptoms in ways that work for you, personally; re-wiring; learning to trust and being vulnerable; accepting help, getting out of 'the bubble'/ avoidance; fear, etc. Loads, anyway.