I Don't Want To Mess This Up.

[want2understand]

Hello everyone. I came across this site in my search in trying to understand PTSD. I have currently met someone that I enjoy talking to and could see a future building. He has been very up front about his PTSD and injuries. I think he told within the first few hours of talking to me about all of this. I tend to believe it was a test to see if I would take off running the other way. In noway do I want to run. But because this is such a new friendship and I would like to try and make it more, I am hoping to gain some advice on how to proceed. I do not want to overwhelm him, but I want him to understand that I don't judge him, and would never betray his trust. Do I wait for him to contact me, or do I reassure him I'm still here. I don't want to screw this up. I really do like him. Any advice you can provide I greatly appreciate. Background, I am 37 and have dealt with my own personal tragedy, so I do understand the importance of stability and not playing head games. I really honestly just like this man. Thanks for listening.

 

[Spiderallis]

Taking things slowly is a safe bet. Not sure how to convince someone that you won't judge or are safe to trust other than proving it. That takes time, but patience is important when PTSD is involved. It's a great sign that he felt comfortable telling you about his situation, test or not that's a big thing. Waiting for him to contact you might not be a bad idea, but a small friendly gesture like a "Just wanted to say Hi" message would be a good way to reach out and assure him that you'd like to hear from him. Not knowing anything about how it effects him, it's hard to say. There's a different section of the boards for supporters, they'd probably be able to help you with this too.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Patience. Lots of patience is needed. I'm not sure I can give any true advise, except that you should read more about PTSD and how it affects a person to give you a deeper understanding of how this guy sees the world. Since you've come this far to the forums I can tell he's a lucky guy. But keep in mind every person with PTSD is in a different state of acceptance and growth, ultimately everyone needs different levels of space, and that some days we can talk about the trauma and then there are some days we'd want to talk about everything and anything but.

I know in my case the only way a person can gain my trust is through the test of time. Where actions speak louder than words.

It's not much to go on, but I hope it helps. I agree that you should go to the supporters' boards. They might be able to help you out.

 

[want2understand]

Thanks to both of you. I'm sorry if I posted in the wrong area. I really do just want to hug this man, and let him know it's ok. Even if nothing as a friend I will be here. But I don't know how to convey that to him without him thinking I'm invading his space too soon. I will try and post in the supporters group. Thanks again!

 

[maddog]

In addition to what's been said above, I'd also just say to makesure to remember that his PTSD does not define him and should not be the sole focus of your interaction with him, or the only thing you take into consideration when taking steps to establish your relationship. I know that sometimes, either as a sufferer or supporter, it's easy to fall into the trap of feeling as though the condition is all-consuming. But trust me, nothing is more validating for me than feeling as though people see me for who I am, not for the diagnosis I have, and while there are obviously PTSD factors which you need to be sensitive to (some of which are fairly common and some of which will be unique to his situation), at the end of the day he is just a person hopefully looking to reach out to a supportive friend, and to build a relationship based on your mutual companionship, interests, desire for positive closeness etc.

I don't want to sound as though I'm stating the bleeding obvious, or suggesting that you don't already have this in mind, but remember that all he probably wants is for you to see him as a normal person with a few challenges, and all he'll likely ask of you is that you treat him as such.

All the best of luck, I really applaud your sensitivity and insight in trying to reach out for more info, and wish you the best in your relationship, whatever it turns out to be.

Maddog

 

[surviving_it_all]

PTSD varies by person. It won't be easy dating. As a woman with PTSD after a rape, I wish the guy I like would just tell me that he knows I am afraid. He won't intentionally hurt me. He cares for me and will be patient with me. I wish he would say don't run I right here, but it all fell to pieces. He wanted me to be able to do something that I still can't. Just try not to make this guy feel like you being pushy or that you know best for him. You are taking the right steps by learning about what it is. I think I would be lucky to find someone who was willing to understand what PTSD is and notice how it affects me without making it part of my personality. Its something affecting my personality and life but it is not ME.

 

[Mcll]

You are taking the right steps by learning about what it is. I think I would be lucky to find someone who was willing to understand what PTSD is and notice how it affects me without making it part of my personality. Its something affecting my personality and life but it is not ME.

This.

Very well said, surviving_it_all.

 

[want2understand]

I think everyone's advice and insight has been very helpful. He has contacted me, and I'm just letting him build a relationship on a level that is comfortable for him. It is hard when still getting to know him what is the PTSD and what is him, but I'm learning more each day. I could not imagine having to go through this heart wrenching illness, and I applaud each and everyone of you on your bravery and strength. There are those that truly do care about the suffering.

 

[Tinyflame]

Want2understand you said "stability and no mind games", that is very true. You sound like you care a lot, and are a strong and understanding (and very kind) person, to try to understand, best wishes to you both.

 

[surviving_it_all]

It is hard when still getting to know him what is the PTSD and what is him, but I'm learning more each day.

This part will get way easier especially as he feels more comfortable in telling you. For me atleast, PTSD hides so much of who I am, but anyone willing to invest their time would know who I am. It would takes a long time to get to know a person without PTSD. Just remember that. Don't take this offensively, but make sure you like him the person. As empathetic beings, it is easy to want to care for someone who is in heartwrenching suffering. People with PTSD have gone through very painful and even sometimes persistent traumatic events. We, I included, have survived but now are left with the "battle scars". Stability and no mind games is exactly what he needs and if you ask him, I am sure he would say the same thing...give or take a few words.

 

[Joleen]

Hello everyone. I came across this site in my search in trying to understand PTSD. I have currently met someone that I enjoy talking to and could see a future building. He has been very up front about his PTSD and injuries. I think he told within the first few hours of talking to me about all of this. I tend to believe it was a test to see if I would take off running the other way. In noway do I want to run. But because this is such a new friendship and I would like to try and make it more, I am hoping to gain some advice on how to proceed. I do not want to overwhelm him, but I want him to understand that I don't judge him, and would never betray his trust. Do I wait for him to contact me, or do I reassure him I'm still here. I don't want to screw this up. I really do like him. Any advice you can provide I greatly appreciate. Background, I am 37 and have dealt with my own personal tragedy, so I do understand the importance of stability and not playing head games. I really honestly just like this man. Thanks for listening.

Hi there,

I´m in the same boat.
I´m 28, mother of 2 children and actually dating an airmen who is struggling with PTSD. He told me about it on our first date as well and the only thing I could respond to this was: Don´t be affraid, I won´t run away!
I´m willing to do whatever it takes to help him find his way out of this and give his heart a home.

He is willing to get help but at the same time he´s affraid that he might loose his job or get reassigned. The other day he told me: I´m tired of beeing stressed all the time.´ I´m a prisoneer of my own head and 90% of the time I´m just not myself.´
It made me cry, I felt so helpless not knowing how to react without making it even orse for him. And that´s why I decided to go ahead, look for help on how to deal with this.

 

[99Phoenix99]

And that´s why I decided to go ahead, look for help on how to deal with this.

Hopefully you can find the information you're looking for Joleen :D