Childhood I Dunno What To Make Of This...

[newjackcheese]

I don't know if this is the right forum to post this but didn't really know where else this'd fit...

So anyway... I'm 19 and for the past few years, I've been trying to make sense of something that happened when I was four. (possible TW? I dunno...)

The memory's pretty vague. I was about three or four years old. And I'm with my biological father and a friend of his. My parents, at the time, were divorced, and my mother had primary custody. I occasionally spent weekends and summers with my biological father. So it's one such weekend?

We're in the bathroom for some reason and here's where it gets fuzzy and weird. I'm bent over the toilet and they're pushing something up my butt? Think it was medicine, least that's what I was told. Hurt like hell. I remember crying out.

I don't know why this sticks out. I dunno if it was medicine, if it was innocent, or even if it was real.

I get really ashamed and panicked when I think about this. Whole stomach clenches up. I'm kinda inclined to think- hey, maybe this is an innocent thing. Maybe I had parasites or something as a kid. But why would I feel like throwing up thinking about something that I wanna think is stupid and innocent?

My biological father was real abusive towards my mother. Verbally, emotionally. Near the end of their marriage, he started getting physical. I was seven years old when I last saw him. So part of me wants to think I just want to find some excuse to hate him. I never identified with him as my father. My stepdad was my dad, not him. This guy did what? Stick his dick into my mom and make me? He's my biological father. And the buck stops there.

I was scared for years of guys that looked like him. And I either hated him or I was f*cking scared he'd come and take me away from my mom and step-father.

I don't know what to think about that memory. I dunno why it's so prominent. I have even vaguer memories of visiting my biological father's friend's house (who was apparently also present in that bathroom, I don't know why- why would I be alone in there with two men? which is why i'm kind of inclined to think I somehow made this up) and remembering nothing but leaving it.

I wanna believe this memory was just innocent and stupid (like I was just being given medicine...rectally, like I'm sure a lot of kids have) but why does it make me sick and ashamed to think about? Why does it bother me?

I kinda feel like throwing up after writing this thread, if I gotta be honest. I've been trying to figure this out for years...

 

[anthony]

I honestly believe the only way you will know this answer, is if you find and ask your father. One event, 3 / 4 years of age... you are absolutely right, in that it could have been something medical, it could have been something abusive. I must admit, that is a pretty awful thought floating around in your head though without an easy way of knowing.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

Had a similar experience, but not direct memory.

I'll probably never know for sure. It doesn't bother me much honestly, and I mean sure it sucks to know that i was abused sexually, and I know that much happened. I know who did it, but i could be wrong about who.

I'll just move on. You don't ever get over events like this, and thats ok. I wouldn't trade what I have gained from my PTSD for anything.

 

[newjackcheese]

Thanks for posting.

As far as finding out for certain, I doubt asking him would ever be an option. Haven't been in contact with him for years. And I'm pretty sure, even if that contact were to happen, he'd deny anything happening.

Nothing I can do as far as stopping it from happening, you know? It happened (or didn't- in which case, am I f*cking going insane?)

I have a weird feeling the f*cking bastard might've fingered me too. And this wasn't the only time it happened.

How do I know if memories are real or not? And is it normal to be this bothered by something potentially innocent? :\

 

[Alfred.Greene]

Think about it like this.

What reason do you have to make this up? To be quite honest, if it was innocent how likely was it you got something that needed that medicine? Why would that medicine be that big? Why did it happen multiple times? Over how long of a period did this go on?

Go with your instinct. For me, I know I was raped because a paralyzing pain shoots from arse up. It's like something is in it. I dunno, and I am afraid of being raped again. I wake up with cold sweat, and when I dream of the guy I am terrified out of my wits despite it being a innocent dream where I am not hurt. I had dreams like this all throughout childhood. I don't remember the abuse happening to me directly. But I have to have doors around me closed. He often went into the room with my "aunt", or my biological mother, sometimes my little brother. I remember wishing I was stronger, and could fight him. I remember just about everything but the abuse.

It's a puzzle, and your mind has given you a piece. Do your best to put the rest of it back together ok? Realize it isn't life or death, if it feels this intense then obviously something more happened then the guise.

As far as you going insane, I am crazy, Proud of it. If you have PTSD anything known as sanity is going to drastically redefined compared to most people. You will just be different. But you probably already know that.

Like you, I am only 20, so we are pretty much in the same place in this journey.

Feel free to send me a PM.

 

[newjackcheese]

Thanks...

Yeah. See, and that's what worries me. I don't actually know if this wasn't an isolated incident. I just have this really weird memory to go off of and some vague memories of going over to that friend's house that I don't remember except for leaving... But I was young enough that I can't remember much anyway.

I've always hated and feared that man. So I dunno. Part of me isn't surprised that there's a good potential this thing happened in the way I worried it did.

Yet, what the hell? That's it? I can't remember if I was molested as a kid? I guess, while I want to know what the f*ck happened, at the same time, I wish I knew nothing about it whatsoever. That whatever happened never did and I didn't have to be sitting here, typing this post, f*cking flipping my shit because I don't know what the hell's wrong with me.

People don't panic when remembering being given medicine... :\

 

[anthony]

The problem is this, realistically... if the memory is causing symptoms, whether the memory is factually checked or not, then you treat the trauma memory and thus how to alleviate the symptoms. If you treat on the side of the memory being real, then hopefully you can nip it quickly before it runs riot and causes full shutdown.

 

[newjackcheese]

Full shutdown? :\ What's that?

 

[anthony]

In other words... you can't function, period.

 

[newjackcheese]

Yeah, I'll bring this up to my therapist next time I see him but dunno if he's got any experience with memory.

Been doing a bit better with this. Been trying not to think or focus too much.

...I will admit though that I ran off and got laid by another guy and I dunno if this is affected by this. I've always kinda been into older guys, like the bear type.