I Fail At Everything And My Father Is Disappointed

[Deleted member 27340]

When we had dinner today my father started talking about how I "never do anything but sit on my ass being on the internet".

I'd LOVE to go out and do something, have fun, enjoy myself... live life. Thing is, I can't associate social activities with anything but stress, uncomfort and anxiety. Same goes for anything that includes being on a team (sports, a band). And outdoor activities, like swimming or exercise - unless no one is around. But by the time I'd get to the place where no one is around, it'll all be ruined by the emotions during the getting there.

Therefore, I am only in my room, except sometimes when invited to social events (only counts for a few friends). I also feel more comfortable around friends than around family, I think it is because my family tend to ALWAYS pick on the things I do wrong or the things I don't do. Like, I ALREADY KNOW THAT I DO IT WRONG AND HATE MYSELF FOR IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND ME AND MAKE THAT BIGGER THAN ME AS A PERSON. It's so annoying. My friends, however, rarely mention it and when they do it is usally either a question out of curiosity or concern or a joke (they are careful to joke, and it doesn't matter when they do. They see what is my symptoms as personality traits and don't mind it).

I hate how this basically pauses my life. Wanna know something fun? One and a half YEAR ago, two of my soon-to-be friends asked me to join their band. Then begged me. So have they done till now, and they haven't even heard me sing. They just want ME. That alone is insane, but more important: I'm too f*cking cowars to join. Also I'm too f*cking unfocused and lazy to even practice at home (and woah, I also don't dare to practice unless I'm home alone, and even then I may be afraid of the neighbours or anyone outside hearing it *cowars alarm gone crazy*).

I hate this. It f*cks up my life with family, friends and in school. It ruins exercise, practicing (music, art, literature) and my potential. I love writing, people keep telling me to become and author - I cannot write anything longer than short stories, and even that don't happen often. Music is my girlfriend - I can't practice. Art is lovely and I'm already at a decent level - can't practice. I've got the opportunity to be moved up a year in school if I work hars and do well the first couple months of the year - I really want to, but heck, the "work hard" part ain't gonna happen.

But also I figured that this won't end, every time I'm even close to recocery I relapse back into it again. I also figured that it's actually comfy down here, as long as no one pushes you or you try to snal out of it. I'll just have to stay here, anything else makes me worse. Hah, who would guess that a 14 year old can already have no future.

Done venting for now, sorry for the bother.

 

[Barberian]

It's not a bother. That is one of the things this site is for. ;)

Just a suggestion, do you think you could try the band thing with just one friend at a time to start with. If you are with just one of your friends at a time it could help you build up confidence.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Only one at a time would be better, but I'm not really close enough to any of those in the band... I've got one friend that I could maybe play with, but he's not in the band and is moving for high school in a week and a half.

 

[Lucycat]

Your post caught my attention.
Life is very hard. It is not the same for everybody. Did your father have it so easy he does not need to worry.

It doesn't really matter. Your life is your own. He has no right to take your achievements from you. Be proud of who you are and everything you achieve. It is for you - not the parents.

 

[shimmerz]

"never do anything but sit on my ass being on the internet".

Personally, I as a parent would NEVER EVER speak to my child this way. If I noticed such an issue I would be concerned and try to encourage a healthier pattern. It sounds like your father uses shame in order to motivate. That is very sad.

I couldn't help but notice that at the end of your posting you seemed to take your father's place by bashing yourself. It is obvious you are frustrated with yourself. I wish you wouldn't be. I myself have a very difficult time getting out of the house. Painfully so. There are very good reasons for that, just as it seems there are good reasons for your behaviour. I wonder if there is anything that you do outside of the house that you get happy about?

I also wonder if you are in therapy at all? If not and if you are someone who uses the internet a fair bit to research I wonder if there are sites out there that help people with agoraphobic behaviours. I found a couple of links that may help.

http://www.anxietycoach.com/agoraphobia.html
http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/06/25/how-does-a-homebound-agoraphobic-get-help/

Please, if you can, work on being kind to yourself. No more calling yourself bad names or using swear words when you refer to you or your situation.

 

[The Albatross]

Perhaps you could determine for yourself that the longer term benefits of attempting to deal with small finite periods of increased uncomfortable/stress/or anxiety are worth more than the life you are leading right now?

Parent's, and even spouses, don't often have the "right" words or methods when they are trying to impress on us/me their observation, worry, or frustration. I try to pause and consider what the point is... or ask now, rather than react to the criticism.

 

[Philippa]

Do you really fail at everything? There must be some things you don't fail at, and do well. Try listing them and then you may see that you don't really fail at everything...just maybe the things your father wants you to succeed at...

 

[Alejandro Berry]

I agree with Philippa, there are some qualities in each one of us. So, don't loose heart try to find out your strengths and start working on them and you will succeed for sure in life.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Personally, I as a parent would NEVER EVER speak to my child this way. If I noticed such an issue I would be concerned and try to encourage a healthier pattern. It sounds like your father uses shame in order to motivate.

Yeah he does. He's using shame all the time, thinking it'll motivate me or change me or something like that. Really, it's just hurting me and damaging my confidence (not that I really have any lol).

I wonder if there is anything that you do outside of the house that you get happy about?

This post is really old now, and I honestly can't remember why I never replied to your posts... Reading my post was interesting, I feel more mature now. Anyway, now I actually do go out! Leaving the house is not a problem, but I've got strong avoidance patterns. I avoid performing in front of people (this has improved a lot, last week I got an A on a 10-minute presentation about the space race during the cold war, and didn't even write a script. I just made a powerpoint and went up there and talked), which is limiting because I love music so much. I've noticed that I can play the piano in front of people, I get nervous, but it's completely bearable. That's about the only instrument I can play in front of others, but I'm trying to sing more at home and in music class at school and stuff but it's kinda hard.

I also wonder if you are in therapy at all? If not and if you are someone who uses the internet a fair bit to research I wonder if there are sites out there that help people with agoraphobic behaviours. I found a couple of links that may help.

I am in therapy, but I really don't feel like it does anything for me at all. It's just an hour of my life per week that I spend talking to someone, judging by her name, had hippie parents. I don't see how it can get better or how I can get over things, and definitely not how therapy can help. I had some sort of hope when I was inpatient, because I felt like I could actually relax and that made thinking of the past in a different way easier because my mind wasn't THAT clogged up with anxiety/numbness. I only stayed in there for six days, though. They didn't want to keep me there for whatever reasons and I was only put there because of a suicide attempt.

Please, if you can, work on being kind to yourself. No more calling yourself bad names or using swear words when you refer to you or your situation.

I'm not really good at this. Not at all. I just don't do... good things to myself. I bash myself and punish myself for doing everything wrong and never say a good word to myself. I really don't have any confidence at all, and the hate I feel for myself is so intense. I think this might be one of the things that are linked to my sh-edding, because sometimes I actually don't want to hurt myself or don't want to hurt myself that bad (when it's not like that I do because it feels so good), but do anyway because something inside me tells me I have to. Either a punishment or an obsessive survival mechanism? Or just addiction. I don't even know anymore, sometimes it can go months where I don't cut at all and then all of a sudden the cuts are so deep you can easily see the fat tissue even after a scab has been created. Couple days ago I picked off the scabs on all the deepest cuts, but I used the opportunity to clean them and sorta treat them with suture tape. I seem to either cut multiple times in the same wound creating a deep one, or make loads of smaller cuts covering my arm.

@shimmerz , thank you for your sweet reply even though I never answered. I liked seeing it now.

Perhaps you could determine for yourself that the longer term benefits of attempting to deal with small finite periods of increased uncomfortable/stress/or anxiety are worth more than the life you are leading right now?

Maybe, but no? Like I just... I just don't do things that gives me anxiety. I don't do it unless I, for some reason, feel comfortable with it in that situation. The presentation I got an A on I did because I wasn't nervous at all, for some reason. That might be linked to the fact that I got a concussion during recess before that class, haha (I'm so clever and when going over to my group's table I was the first and they were all following behind me, so I decided to go over the table instead of around it... the table tipped over and I hit my head on a chair). But yeah I just... just don't do things that scare me because I don't want to have a panic attack. The only exception is walking alone after dark, which I do even though I often end up crying on the way and hurt myself when I get home. That's because I have to move around, I need to get to places and usually I'm walking around after dark because I'm going from town to home after hanging out with friends or been at the clubhouse. The part where I walk alone probably only does harm, because I don't feel more comfortable doing it just because nothing's happened on the way. If I were to quit walking alone at all, my life would be very limited very fast, at least now (I live up north, short days). And I'm just really afraid of the dark.

Do you really fail at everything? There must be some things you don't fail at, and do well. Try listing them and then you may see that you don't really fail at everything...just maybe the things your father wants you to succeed at...

I agree with Philippa, there are some qualities in each one of us. So, don't loose heart try to find out your strengths and start working on them and you will succeed for sure in life.

Obviously I don't ACTUALLY fail at everything, but I feel like I do. From other people's point of view, I do very well. People actually look at me and say "You're so stupid you're good at everything whyyy". But I feel like I fail, because I see my potential and what I could've done, and I see how far that is from what I'm actually able to do. I also see that it's because my symptoms are limiting me. I don't like bragging about intelligence, but it's relevant to this. I score high, not like Einstein or Stephen Hawking high, but higher than average and just around the border between above average and genius. I've read a lot about it, and it's clearly a common issue for intelligent people to struggle with poor confidence and depression. Because it takes a lot to stimulate a quick mind intellectually, the lack of this specific kind of stimulation is often prominent while it's also crucial to survive, causing higher rates of depression and rarely feeling mastery. The latter obviously leads to poor confidence and low thoughts about oneself.
My friend (extremely supportive) talked about this. He's really clever himself, so he can understand this issue. We're also very different people, and while I never get around actually finding that stimulation myself (I kind of lack the ability to make an initiative for myself) he's spent a great deal of time reading and studying. Anyway, he said that he thought a great deal of my depression issue would improve if I could get at least one hour of something actually intellectually challenging into my day. I think this might be correct, I just need to find a way of breaking the cycle (depression makes reading and taking initiative harder, not doing those things makes depression stay/worse) without being so hard on myself that it only makes everything worse. I guess it's not all that hard, it just feels hard.

My strength seem to be that if I want to learn something I do. Learning is my strength. I'm a quick learner, have a good memory, get things fast... I don't even need to practice all that much, because I read about it and learn in in a theoretical way before I do the same thing in practice, after a couple tries. That way I speed the learning process a lot, because I read up on everything before I start doing it. I just rarely feel mastery. I did yesterday while rock climbing, so I should probably climb more, but climbing is not what I want to do. I want to study evolutionary development, but that's a while into the future, now I kind of have to get accepted into the high school program I wish to be in before I can start thinking of university.

Really, I'm just sad, blue, unhappy... It's as if I'm wrapped in a huge, dark blanket that won't let go...

(I think my English has improved since August?)

 

[shimmerz]

I think my English has improved since August?)

Ummm, yeah! I had no idea that English wasn't your first language based on this posting! You had me completely fooled
It is amazing looking at your original post and this last one, the differences in your situation! You may not feel like you are improving but it is obvious that you are! I wish that you could see that as clearly as I can. Whatever you are doing, keep up the great work!

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I had no idea that English wasn't your first language based on this posting! You had me completely fooled

Haha, thanks. I think I'll blame most of the improvement on this site and the time I've spent here. If this site had used video chat I'd be fluent by now :p

I don't feel like I'm improving, but I can see it now. My friend also said it seems like I've improved. I don't feel like I have, but I guess it's true. I can see from these two posts. Or I'm just more mature, I really don't know. Either way I'm still struggling with both anxiety and depression, and some symptoms have gotten a lot worse... Like pictures. I get these pictures in my head. They're confusing, blurry and filled with fear and emotion. I guess they're actually flashbacks, but I don't want to acknowledge them as that. If they are flashbacks, they have to be memories. I don't want them to be memories. I'm aware of my denial in this, but I really don't want to let go of it. From around November till now I've regained a lot of knowledge about my past. Things are hurting me, and therapy really doesn't work...

 

[Philippa]

Ok, but we can only go by what you say on here, and we aren't mind readers to know that when you say " I fail at everything" you don't actually mean it. Maybe entitling this thread "I FEEL like I fail at everything..." might have given us a better idea of what you were feeling, rather than what you think is reality.