I Feel Awful

[Tinyflame]

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Justmehere]

I made it 1/2 a block when these two unleashed dogs chase me and my service dog down the street. I yelled at the owner "please restrain your dogs someone help me" he laughed Ians eventually got his dogs after I was standing on a truck bed (not mine) with my large service dog in my arms and these dogs were growling and barking at us. I told him "interference with the work of a service dog is a misdemeanor in (our state) you need to control your dog." He laughed and I continued to beg he restrain his dogs. A women and a young child were about 100ft away and she started yelling at me - wtf? I started videotaping and he and she both said I don't have their permission. I didn't say a thing just videotaped them screaming at me from across the street that they didn't give me permission.

I said nothing, just kept filming. I eventually was able to get off the landscaping truck and walk down the street. I stopped to ground my panic and email my landlady... I next next to a university and this is a pretty new problem in out very urban neighborhood... after 15 minutes the woman (now without her toodler) had found me and was walking down the street and started screaming to know my name addresss etc etc etc. I said nothing. Just started walked down the street. I grabbed the mace in my bag and walked and she followed me and my service dog for 5 blocks screaming demanding to know my name and where I live, claiming that filing her while she followed me was a crime and she was calling the cops (go ahead!) - it's not only not a crime to film her stalking me, she freaking stalking me. After 5 blocks she turned around. I said nothing and did nothing other than walk as fast as I could in the direction of campus. It's game day and I knew people would be around and they were. I saw the police directing traffic and I broke down sobbing. I couldn't handle the trigger that it is for me to talk to them but I'm now amount people. I called my favorite cabbie and he is going to come get me and take me out of here.

 

[Justmehere]

I lost my headphones as I ran from the loose dogs and now can't even find the mace... I'm so discombobulated.

 

[Justmehere]

I just really want someone with me right now. I don't know anyone that can be with me right now. Stupid holidays.

I bet my therapists phone did go for a swim in a toliet...

 

[shimmerz]

Is your cabbie there yet @Justmehere?

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, he took got me out of all that chaos and took me to a pharmacy to get zinc for my cold and then I went next door to a coffee shop. Sitting here regrouping. At least my dog and I are relatively safe. Maybe I just need to go back to bed. My sunglasses are hiding my tears.

 

[shimmerz]

You know, the more I reside in this world of ours, the less I understand it. Or rather the people in it. It is horrible what you just went through.... so the fact that you are doing self care by hanging in a coffee shop is really kudos to you.

I doubt it will help any, but last week I was streaming tears (no sunglasses) and got caught by my mil walking down the street. I couldn't even speak to her. Thanks for that reminder that I should have sunglasses with me at all times.

 

[Mim28]

I'm so sorry JMH, this is not what you needed!!! I can't imagine how you must have felt. You just wanted to be safe. I wish I was there to hold your hand and provide comfort, but Please know we are here with you.
many hugs!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere People can be such assholes at times. I would have called the cops had it happened to me. I'm sorry that you had to go through this on top of everything else.

You've done well though, you really have. You've fought the suicide thoughts and are still with us. You've reached out to your T, even though she hasn't gotten back to you. You've reached out here for help and connection. You protected yourself and your Service dog. You've crawled out of bed and gone outside for a walk. And you didn't beat the shit out of the asshole that followed you for blocks. God damn you should be proud of that one, cause I would have wailed her ass.

I'm hoping that you are now home, safe and sound and curled up in bed with something sinful to eat.....

Yes, this too shall pass!!!!!

 

[pixel]

Thinking of you @Justmehere

I'm horrified at what just happened to you, however you handled it beautifully!

Such courage :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Good god @Justmehere! Sounds like an adventure (a horrible one).

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. You know, I always thought that we went through trials for a reason. Today, I struggle to find that reason. I think sometimes its all we can do to keep our shit together. That we are doing great if we do keep our shit together!

Do you have friends or support people or family that you can call, or better be with you, until your therapist calls you or you can reach her?

I'm sorry this is all happening! :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks @lostforgottensoul - I went to a social event with friends yesterday, and it ended up being stressful. Too many people trying to talk to me about a subject (politics) I didn't want to talk about it... not then... not now... Politics were not pushing me over the edge but it was more than I could handle in the moment. I felt frustrated and tired. I did tell everyone I'm in a no-talking-about-politics space. Boundaries.

I did reach out to my therapist again today during business hours. I was like um, "so is this a no, you can't talk? are you ok? did I screw up here?" She responded back really quickly and indicated she tried to call me several days ago. Somehow, I didn't get the call... She asked if I needed to talk and if it could wait until the end of today. I told her I have coping tools and I am developing a plan to get through the week. I think all I need to know is that you are there and we are ok. She replied that she is there and we are ok.

I know, I should have asked to talk. I KNOW. I don't know why I backed down. I'm not sure I needed to talk to begin with? I think I did, I think I still do...? I don't actually know.

I usually know what I need to get out of a really bad spot, even if it's an impossible thing... at least I know. This time, I'm not sure. It's confusing to me that I don't know. Something has shifted inside of me. I know my therapist could help me sort this out, but it seems like in-session stuff, if I can keep myself alive until then... and I think I can.

I will see my therapist tomorrow, I just have to make it until then. I have made plans to be with friends this week and I do seem to be getting through each day.

It was actually helpful to just know she was there - I think that's all I really wanted to begin with, which I don't know if that is a good thing or not to even want. I'm so confused right now. But I got myself up and dressed and out the door, sans random attacks from random people. I keep having a lot of thoughts about suicide, but I still know I would drag myself to the ER before I acted on them.

A friend of mine reached out to me this weekend. Someone they know had committed suicide. They were handling it well, just needed to connect. It didn't bring me down, but it was a gentle reminder that this fight is worth fighting.

I won't let the darkness win.

I'm really glad for all the support here. Thank you. I haven't been very good about responding... but being able to reach out here, and know my words would fall amoung some kind and insightful peers, who would not react but encourage me to keep enduring through this - it has helped tremendously. It helped me slow down and make more thoughtful and healthier decisions through this. Thank you all.