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Deleted member 26314
I'm not officially diagnosed with PTSD. I show symptoms of it (as well as fit the criteria0), so I'm on this site because I relate and the advice I get helps. But I'm not sure what advice I can ask for in regards to this.
I didn't know what it was at first, for the last week I have been in and out of flashbacks and dissociative episodes and my emotions have been all over the place. I'm not sure what it was, maybe the change in the routine I see my boyfriend (it was a holiday from school for him, so I saw him more and it was a shock to the system I'm guessing). So, I was all over the place. And I felt guilty.
I feel guilty because whenever I was with my boyfriend, even before this week - just in general, I've always felt guilty, but this time it's been so much more and it's been exhausting me - if he reminds me (a.k.a triggers a flashback) it's a flash back of my ex-boyfriend sexually abusing me and these flashbacks often happen when we're being intimate with one an other. Which is hard enough for me in the first place, but then I have a flashback and my boyfriend will immediately stop everything, make sure I'm okay and all that boyfriend-like stuff. But I can also see it's killing him everytime it happens. And I can't stand it. It's the kind of thing where part of me wants to break up with him so he doesn't have to go through it anymore. He refuses, we've talked about it and he knows I hate him getting upset and I hate what it does to him, but he refuses to acknowledge his own saddness because he cares too much about me.
It's the same with dissociating, I feel guilty even when I'm not with him. I usually tell him about it because we'll be texting and I'm always take a minute or two to reply but when I have been gone for 10 minutes without a word saying what I'm doing or where I have gone, he worries and I have to tell him to stop him worrying. I don't know why I do feel guilty about this, it's odd I know. It doesn't affect him, he just worries. But I feel guilty for having PTSD symptoms in the first place.
Even talking to my therapist, I feel like I shouldn't be saying any of this because I don't think the trauma I went through counts as trauma. It's hard to acknowledge that these things I experience are flashbacks, I call them reminders because I get reminded of what happened.. flashback to me seems and has the perception of something relating to a much bigger/worse off trauma. Which I'm in doubt for. So when I tell my therapist I had a flashback or I dissociated, or I had a panic attack.. I feel guilty for assuming my trauma was bad enough for them to be classed as the correct terms.
I want to talk to my therapist about the possibility of PTSD, but I feel like admitting that I think I have these symptoms makes me seem like some self-diagnosing hypochondriac.. or something along those lines. This is turning into a long post about a jumble of things, and I appologise for it. I'm a mess right now and I really don't know what to do. All I feel is guilt and loneliness and inadequecy. I don't think what I went through was bad enough for it to be classed as a trauma, let alone be a factor to me having PTSD.
But at the same time, what I'm going through on a daily basis is exhausting and scary and I honestly don't think I can cope much longer, and all I want is for someone to see me as me and not as a 16 year old girl with "emotional difficulties". I want to be taken seriuosly for once.
I am so sorry about this post, it went from my feeling guilty with my boyfriend, to my therapist, to my doubting my trauma, to my wanting to be taken seriously. I'm so sorry, I just needed to get it out.
How do people cope with so much going on in their minds? I have so many things to think about (BBQ with my boyfriends family which will no doubt have a lot of triggers... beer being the main one. My therapist appointment tomorrow. My dads birthday - i.e. one of my abusers - is on the same day as the BBQ. And then all these feelings around guilt as well as actually experiencing both physical and mental exhaustion.. all the while no one takes me seriously nor believes me).
I just want to scream and break down and curl up in a ball on my bed and cry for hours.. but unfortunately and annoyingly I seem unable to cry these last couple days, so it also feels like every emotion in me is being held at gunpoint and not allowed to leave my body. Hence this really long post.. sorry about that again.
Any advice, whatever it is (I could do with literally any advice right now) is so appreciated. A simple, I get how you feel, would make me feel so much less alone.
I didn't know what it was at first, for the last week I have been in and out of flashbacks and dissociative episodes and my emotions have been all over the place. I'm not sure what it was, maybe the change in the routine I see my boyfriend (it was a holiday from school for him, so I saw him more and it was a shock to the system I'm guessing). So, I was all over the place. And I felt guilty.
I feel guilty because whenever I was with my boyfriend, even before this week - just in general, I've always felt guilty, but this time it's been so much more and it's been exhausting me - if he reminds me (a.k.a triggers a flashback) it's a flash back of my ex-boyfriend sexually abusing me and these flashbacks often happen when we're being intimate with one an other. Which is hard enough for me in the first place, but then I have a flashback and my boyfriend will immediately stop everything, make sure I'm okay and all that boyfriend-like stuff. But I can also see it's killing him everytime it happens. And I can't stand it. It's the kind of thing where part of me wants to break up with him so he doesn't have to go through it anymore. He refuses, we've talked about it and he knows I hate him getting upset and I hate what it does to him, but he refuses to acknowledge his own saddness because he cares too much about me.
It's the same with dissociating, I feel guilty even when I'm not with him. I usually tell him about it because we'll be texting and I'm always take a minute or two to reply but when I have been gone for 10 minutes without a word saying what I'm doing or where I have gone, he worries and I have to tell him to stop him worrying. I don't know why I do feel guilty about this, it's odd I know. It doesn't affect him, he just worries. But I feel guilty for having PTSD symptoms in the first place.
Even talking to my therapist, I feel like I shouldn't be saying any of this because I don't think the trauma I went through counts as trauma. It's hard to acknowledge that these things I experience are flashbacks, I call them reminders because I get reminded of what happened.. flashback to me seems and has the perception of something relating to a much bigger/worse off trauma. Which I'm in doubt for. So when I tell my therapist I had a flashback or I dissociated, or I had a panic attack.. I feel guilty for assuming my trauma was bad enough for them to be classed as the correct terms.
I want to talk to my therapist about the possibility of PTSD, but I feel like admitting that I think I have these symptoms makes me seem like some self-diagnosing hypochondriac.. or something along those lines. This is turning into a long post about a jumble of things, and I appologise for it. I'm a mess right now and I really don't know what to do. All I feel is guilt and loneliness and inadequecy. I don't think what I went through was bad enough for it to be classed as a trauma, let alone be a factor to me having PTSD.
But at the same time, what I'm going through on a daily basis is exhausting and scary and I honestly don't think I can cope much longer, and all I want is for someone to see me as me and not as a 16 year old girl with "emotional difficulties". I want to be taken seriuosly for once.
I am so sorry about this post, it went from my feeling guilty with my boyfriend, to my therapist, to my doubting my trauma, to my wanting to be taken seriously. I'm so sorry, I just needed to get it out.
How do people cope with so much going on in their minds? I have so many things to think about (BBQ with my boyfriends family which will no doubt have a lot of triggers... beer being the main one. My therapist appointment tomorrow. My dads birthday - i.e. one of my abusers - is on the same day as the BBQ. And then all these feelings around guilt as well as actually experiencing both physical and mental exhaustion.. all the while no one takes me seriously nor believes me).
I just want to scream and break down and curl up in a ball on my bed and cry for hours.. but unfortunately and annoyingly I seem unable to cry these last couple days, so it also feels like every emotion in me is being held at gunpoint and not allowed to leave my body. Hence this really long post.. sorry about that again.
Any advice, whatever it is (I could do with literally any advice right now) is so appreciated. A simple, I get how you feel, would make me feel so much less alone.
