I Feel Like A Bad Person

[Femke]

I feel like a really bad person at the moment. I feel like I have become worse than my abusers.

I don't like the person I have become at all. I can't feel much love, happiness or empathy anymore, if any at all. Not even for my 5 year old son. I used to love him deeply, but now I feel detached and numb. I am filled with negative emotions - fear, guilt, anger, self-hatred, depression, unforgiveness, distrust. I am obsessive, controlling and perfectionist. I can snap at people and become angry when people trigger me. I am struggling so much to deal with my own illness, that I don't have much eye for others anymore and it's difficult to have honest self-reflection.

For a long, long time I repressed my negative emotions. Now I can't feel the positives anymore. I feel numb and like I have become just as much of a narcissist as my abusers.

I'm struggling to find a way back to love and faith and forgiveness...but it's not working.

Any recognition, help, ideas, hopeful stories?

 

[Ronin]

I'd maybe reexamine the idea that negative feelings are any reflection on a person, and/or their goodness?

Feelings just are. They come and go. They're not the whole of you, and they are not who you are, they are what you feel & experience.

& Then the idea you, as someone who isn't abusing anyone, could even be in the same category as proven abusers, much less worse than them. You're not doing what they've done, and you're actively worried about even the possibility of doing it; that marks you as a very different person if you ask me.

 

[shimmerz]

Numbing of the emotions, which comes part and parcel with PTSD, affects both negative and positive feelings. We can't really just single out and numb out the negative feelings.

Are you working with a therapist?

 

[sun seeker]

I feel numb and like I have become just as much of a narcissist as my abusers.

I don't think narcissists feel numb (though I've never asked one). And I'd say that if you are worrying about being a narcissist, that's a pretty good sign that you're not. Besides, narcissism isn't something that comes and goes, or shows up later in life.

Sounds to me more like you're experiencing anhedonia - the numbing of emotions (I see @shimmerz already mentioned this above). I've gone through stages like that. Eventually they do pass, but not until I put my finger on what I am really feeling and am able to express it in a safe environment. Is it possible that you aren't feeling that kind of safety so you've been repressing your feelings? Is there a therapist or any other safe person in your life you can talk to?

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

True narcissists won't admit to being narcissistic. I've seen some on other forums who wear it like a badge but they were just wannabes. Go figure.

 

[Femke]

Thanks all. I don't have a therapist at the moment, looking for one. I have a psychiatrist, but all they did the last years is numb my emotions even more with medication. Which is one of the reasons I don't feel loving or joyful. I do think this is anhedonia! Partly because of PTSD, partly because of meds.

And I think you are right. Feeling bad doesn't make me a bad person. It's something so deeply ingrained in me however. As a child, when I would feel fearful, or angry, or unhappy, my mum would call me all sorts of bad things and threaten bad things would happen. Now, I do exactly the same thing to myself. Whenever I start to feel anxious or angry or unhappy or I criticize someone, I feel I'm a bad person, nobody will like me and I will go to hell. I guess learning to express my negative emotions in a healthy way and in a safe place, is a necessity.

I do think however I should learn to deal with PTSD-anger in a more healthy way. I can say really mean things to my mum now. Fight back with really harsh words. And then I feel guilty. I think it is normal that I feel anger, even though i don't particularly like myself for it, but I should learn to express my anger in a more healthy way than the one I have learned at home.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you still on medication?

 

[Femke]

Yes :( An antipsychotic. I'm addicted now.