I Feel Like A Failure

[WesternSky]

I don't know where to put this, but as it's work-related, I'll post it here. I'm alone from the holidays still so I have nobody to talk to about this.

I'm 25 today and everything I feared as a kid and young adult about living in the real world is coming true. At this point I don't know if I'll ever be self-sufficient. I tried to do everything right, and I still have very little to show for it.

I feel like everything I grew up believing about my future was a well-intentioned lie. They told me if I worked hard in school I'd get into a good college. If I did well in college, I'd land a job. I developed depression and PTSD sophomore year in undergrad and still graduated. I knew the market was bad, so I tried to do the responsible thing. I picked a masters program based on the information I had about the field's marketability. I went to grad school for 2 years and held down a part-time job in the field to gain experience. I graduated last May, making me ineligible to keep working at my job (students only position). Now they tell me that schools have been spinning the truth about my field for awhile to lure in students and it's actually one of the worst masters because nobody in the field is retiring and budgets in the public sector are being slashed. Nobody wants an entry-level employee when they can hire someone with years of experience at half the cost.

I looked for three months and the only thing I could find was a part-time job completely outside of my field that pays just above minimum wage at a big-box store. I try to budget but there's nothing to set aside for savings. It doesn't pay my bills and it definitely won't pay my student loans when they kick in this month. The worst part is I will soon need a job that provides medical benefits (I'm fortunately enough that my parents have kept me on - there's no way I could pay for my medications). I wouldn't dare tell anyone back home outside of my family what I'm doing. Every conversation I have is "Did you find a job in your field yet or are you still working at ___?" My job is physically demanding and I am often in pain; I get kicked, bruised, and scratched up regularly, and there is always the possibility of getting bit (I work with dogs - we take all the safety precautions, but being animals, they are unpredictable.)

Why did I push myself so hard, striving for academic perfection because it was the only thing I had for years? Why did I bother with grad school thinking I was preparing for a career when I could be in the same position right out of high school? Is everything a waste? I don't mind hard work if it can support me. If I'm getting somewhere in it.

I know the world is cutthroat now. I know my generation gets labelled as being entitled and if we were only smarter, harder-working, more competitive, more "something," we should somehow be able to succeed. And I don't have what it takes.

I have no future.

 

[mamachick]

WesternSky-I feel for what you are going through right now. You are not a failure. I have daughters your age and have to say that I have watched many of their friends graduate and end up in different fields for awhile and jobs they did not prefer and could not support adequately. It is temporary. It is our economy at the time. It is not a reflection of you. My daughter will graduate from law school this May and there are not a lot of jobs. She may be doing exactly what you are doing for a while and still living at home. It may require relocation and much patience. Believe me, it is not you. Without knowing your profession, there are always spin offs in the job field eventually. Dont give up.

I have my masters and had to leave my job 4 yrs ago. I have been looking for part time work for a year now and cannot relocate due to owning my home. I did all the right things like you, except I was 45 when I got my masters. It is very humbling. I know how it is to feel like a failure-I do. Yet that thinking will not get me where I need to go. My years of work time is running out. It will happen. Hang in there.

 

[Sailorgal]

WesternSky, don't mind my HA HA HA but....:roflmao:

Truth is, there is no guarantee. The economy went kaput, and it's an employer's world right now. Jobs pay the same as they did 20 years ago!

I'm at the same point as you and....I'm uh....older. :eek:

Some people have it cushy. Others struggle no matter how hard they try. You just have to roll with the punches. Make the most of things.

I had a good job though hated the management (very unethical and they have since been ousted!), but I had peace of mind. Now I'm back to square zero, not a penny to my name, homeless and....did I hear someone mention retirement or health insurance? I can't even get a seasonal retail job! How pathetic is that!!!! It's just how things are. I'm not giving you a doom and gloom, I'm giving you reality. Keep knocking on doors. There is no magic formula. I know people fearful to death of losing their jobs because they won't find another one.

Degree doesn't guarantee a job. It's just the employer's making you feel like a special candidate for having one. Wait....4 year degree required and 3 years experience for....$9/hr? Yipee! NOT!

 

[mamachick]

Sailorgal-sorry for your position as well.
I think for those of us with ptsd, there is a tendency to take it more personal, particularly if we feel defective to start.

I had a job interview almost 3 weeks ago. It would be a great job for me. I did not see it on-line until late Friday night which was the deadline. I was called on Monday morning and asked to come for interview. I cancelled my physical therapy (of course) to interview. It lasted and hour and went very well. They called my references in the next day or two. (my references told me they did and that they gave me a great reference). Now 2 weeks have gone by and I have not heard anything.

It is my ptsd that kicks in. Since I have isolated, I have been some what out of touch with my references, and they know that I have had problems. They also know my good character and good work ethic. They have told me they are willing to give a good reference. But when I dont hear back, then I begin to feel distrusting as well. Then the crappy thinking-ie nothing good will ever happen for me, dont trust, doing the right thing never works, etc. I have a huge array of self defeating messages. I have to stop myself from this.

Finally I called. The director is on vacation til Jan 2. So I sent her an email expressing my interest and inquiring as to if and when they may make a decision.

I am licensed in one state but where I live, it borders on 2 other states which I do not hold a license. So I can only work within this 5 mile by 50 mile radius. One state I can get a license in, the other I would need additional classes which I cant afford while unemployed. My next option is to get that license and drive 40 plus minutes, plus big city traffic. I think its time to consider that.

I just think that ptsd makes us feel so much worse about the rejection of finding work.

 

[WesternSky]

I know I'm not unique in any way and lots of good people are out of work. I guess I'm just feeling the pressure both outside and internally. It's not just my family that asks me all the time. My partner is very successful in her Phd program and her family asks all the time if I've "found a job" yet. I know they worry that I'll hold her back. I'm ashamed enough as it is without others asking all the time.

I'm sorry, I know that there is always someone in worse straits. I know even what I have now is precarious and I'm always one mishap away from not making rent. I just don't know why I bothered to hope that things would be any different than they are now. It looks like all my fears were justified and I wasted my time, money, and efforts trying to make something of myself.

My life is stuck on hold. What little dreams I unfortunately allowed myself to have are unreachable. At this rate, I will never be able to buy a house (I *hate* apartment life), or a vehicle (it's only a matter of time till mine breaks down completely), or even get married (can't even afford a ring let alone endure the fallout that would happen with our families) because of finances! I don't need expensive toys and gadgets. All I want is a family and a place of my own. I can't stop the voice in my heart that asks me how dare I think I could ever handle the real world.

 

[WesternSky]

I had a job interview almost 3 weeks ago. It would be a great job for me. I did not see it on-line until late Friday night which was the deadline. I was called on Monday morning and asked to come for interview.

I can't even get an interview. I'm not qualified because I don't have 3+ years of experience supervising people some particular specialized skill. I've never held a full-time job.

I am sorry you have to listen to self-defeating messages. I have them too. I don't have any advice on how to stop them because I can't stop mine either.

 

[mamachick]

WesternSky-I hope you do not take this offensive. I think it is a mistake to keep telling yourself that your choice in education was a mistake, a waste of time, etc. Your statement "it looks like all my fears were justified and I wasted my time, money and efforts in trying to make something for myself" is an indicator that you expected to fail before you even began this journey. It is not over-life is a journey.

There is a good book "the secret" that talks about the power or intention. It is an easy read and really helped me during a difficult time. I did not follow through with the plan, but I am going to get it back out and read it again. This time, I am going to follow through with the work that I intended to do.

Please know, I have all the skills to see in others the self destructive thinking, and in myself, I just dont know how to change it.

I use to have very low self esteem. I recovered and was very successful at much of my life. One negative event after another led me back to where I came from-low esteem. I know it is a battle to desert those messages, but somehow we must find a way.

 

[WesternSky]

I don't take it as offensive. You are probably correct. I have heard of the secret, but never read it.
I think the cycle is this. I used to always avoid going after things I want because I was afraid I would fail. At first I wouldn't even acknowledge that there were things I wanted at all. Then I started working up the courage to try for them. I listened to my friends and family and began believing that maybe I do have what it takes and there is something good in me. I try to concentrate on the small successes even when I hit stumbling blocks. Eventually all successes taper out and things stagnate until I can no longer muster up any positive emotion to power through. That's when it really hurts, and I go back to the way I was. And the failed ventures become another piece of evidence I can use against myself the next time I think about trying something.

I don't know how to break it. I'm not a very courageous or strong person. I'm just scared and falling into an old, old self-hating trap. I feel too young and too old at the same time. Like a child and an adult, even more so than when I was a teenager.

For some reason, I find myself falling into old patterns when I'm left on my own for too long. Everything starts to get a depressive pall.

 

[Sailorgal]

Hi Brat,

I know what you're saying but most of what I'm talking about is because of how the economy is. That's why I stated it's just "how it is." More and more people looking for jobs where they are overqualified because the jobs just aren't there. I know companies that have moved their headquarters from US to Asia. It doesn't mean there aren't jobs - it's just not like it used to be with gas $4/gal and rent going through the roof. I'm stating the obvious - employers are in control and it's THEIR market. That's the current paradigm. It's not negativity - it's a FACT. The low self esteem would be if I didn't think I was qualified. I KNOW I'm qualified but due to market conditions, even an $8/hr job I can't get. I have friends still looking for work and it's been over a year...others over 2 years. Highly educated, successful, and impressive resume. But....nothing available.

Western Sky - now in this time more than ever you need to find out what YOU want (it's not a once in a lifetime decision you have to make. You may change careers 10 times in your life!) at this point NOW, but also look for where the opportunities are. You have to be aggressive. Your PTSD will make it more challenging for you. Perhaps the tough market will actually a young gal like yourself to force you to have to be positive and aggressive in building a future for yourself. Turn it into a positive. Getting a job is selling yourself.

Some practical hints (I used to do sales training), practice in the mirror. Your demeanor, your speech....get comfortable with YOU because that is what they will see. #1 reason to not even have a chance in an interview is lack of confidence. There are tons of things you can find online like possible interview questions. I suggest you practice these - it will give you ideas about tailoring your resume as well. Brag about yourself to yourself. Actors do it all the time, and they are believable, right? ;)

 

[mamachick]

Sailorgal-I agree. The economy is making it difficult for very qualified people. You are very lucky to have the confidence to know that you are qualified. I think your advice is very sound. People must build themselves up-nobody else is going to. That is something I am not real good at-least at the moment.

Fortunately for me, I had a last minute interview. I do better off the cuff than when I have time to give it too much thought, although I still do not know if they hired someone. I know that I am qualified some of the time. At other times, I have a lot of self doubt.

The job market is very different depending on your location and your profession. The job I interviewed for paid $30 and hour so I was fine with that at 20 hrs a week. Its more about the sub specialties in my field, as with any, that makes me slightly qualified or highly qualified. This particular one-I found two factors in my favor, the experience with the job material and the fact that most want full time with benefits and I do not.

WesternSky-sounds like the self fulfilling prophecy. Remember, you have come this far, and that is a big step. Also, I think Sailorgal is right-you can change careers 10 times if needed, and looking for opportunities that you may not have considered. I could use some of Sailorgal's coaching too.

 

[Sailorgal]

(((Brat)))

It's been challenging on my self esteem - but I realize it's the market. I keep picking myself up. When I'm down, I look at my resume, my references, and remember what I have accomplished and the people who believe in me. Resumes are the paper that some unknown person behind a computer is looking at - and who knows who is the screener.

I'm very glad you got a quick interview! That is wonderful that the job scope that at least suffices your financial needs. 20 hours a week is heaven! I hope you receive good news - let me know!!!! :woot:

You are right on that it depends on the profession and market too. Some jobs just aren't worth the commute so even if there IS something, it's all the factors. Also, because of my PTSD, I am finding "entertaining challenging jobs" not as appealing. I'm this close to wanting to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. Hey, at least no one is going to be breathing down my neck on a Sunday night to work on a 2 hour report for an 8am Monday morning meeting! :sour:

 

[mamachick]

Sailorgirl,
Im a licensed counselor and left my job after an accident a few years ago. I was struggling emotionally, depression and anxiety, adapting to a brain injury. I then was assaulted and ended up with ptsd. During this period, I make plenty of bad decisions that only I am responsible for-nothing illegal or unethical, just not accepting things well, limitations, single parenting, etc.. Eventually I had a melt down. I broke-hit a bottom. Its been a long way back up. Still have same physical disabilities but have had to learn acceptance all over again.

Given this, sometimes I feel like living in a small town that everyone knows. Sometimes I feel like a hyporcrite. Course then who cares who knows what. Far as being a hypocrite, its like saying drs dont get cancer or lawyers dont have legal problems. Frankly, I know I was a very good therapist, and very ethical and caring. I was effective in my work and had the good sense to leave my job due to my need to deal with my own stuff.

After not working for 4 years, I wonder if I will remember, sometimes I cant think of the word I want to use because of my TBI, etc, etc. I have had a neuropsych evaluation and the dr said that since I was very intellegent to start, even with the few points that I have lost, I am still ahead of most in my field. While comforting, I have self doubt until I jump in and get back to work. Then maybe I will be able to build the confidence.

I can really appreciate the Wal Mart greeter position. It sounds great. However, I entered this field with a passion for my work. Much like WesternSky, invested so much in my education. I re-mortgaged my home to pay about 50K in tuition. I spent 3 yrs undergrad, went to work, a year later started another 3 yr master program while working. My kids were 10 and 12 when I returned to school so I made many sacrifices. I want to be working in my field.

Thanks for your encouragement. Im hoping they are just waiting til after the holidays but Im a bit pesimistic at this point. I will let you know.