I am suppose to be at a training (not for job but for licensure renewal) at 8 am this morning. Its a 40 minute drive. I set alarm for 5:45 and asked ex husband to call me and wake me up. He rang and rang. I never heard my alarm. He finally awoke me just before 6:30. Ever since a head injury in 2006, nothing wakes me up, not even fog horn type alarms. Sometimes my dogs will get upset with the noise and bark and paw me, other times they just leave the room. Once awake, I am diagnosed with a sleep disorder that is called "daytime sleepiness disorder" that I have to take Adderoll for. Once up, I immediately take my Adderoll and get coffee, and on a normal day, I sit and read email, watch news, etc for about an hour until my brain is in full swing. After the brain injury, I continued to go to sleep by 11 pm almost always, so being up early, even though I needed help awaking was not so bad. I had 2 teen daughters in the home at the time that would hear my alarm across the house and come screaming at me to get up, even shaking me-which worked.
After the in home assault in 2008, I immediately began with horrible night terrors, which resulted in medications. I eventually had an emotional breakdown-full blown. I began counseling and work toward regulating life and schedule again. For a period, I had a boyfriend that stayed with me and I felt safer. That ended badly. He assaulted me and was arrested with 3 loaded guns and 2 knives. He had threatened me with gun days before but I honestly was not afraid of dying. Maybe unconsciously, I even welcomed it at times. At any rate, I got rid of him. For all these years, I never fell asleep until dawn. This was very non productive even though I did not have a job, as sometimes I was hardly awake enough to make business calls, see doctors, and do things that require normal hours. Therefore, I have been working really hard to fall asleep earlier. I discovered that the anti depressant that I had been taking likely caused some anxiety too, and even though I took it in the am, it still interfered with falling asleep. I went off it a few months ago and have been able to sleep before dawn. Rarely can I sleep by 11 pm, but usually by 1 or 2am which is a huge improvement. I do alot of things to calm myself in the evening in addition to medication. Last night I was asleep between 12 and 1 am.
So this morning when I finally heard the phone ringing at about 6:20, I jumped out of bed and thanked him, took pill and started coffee. I dont think right for awhile, but did not have time to do my hour wake routine. I made myself start getting ready. Its very inefficient though, going downstairs and forgetting what for. Its almost like sleep walking (sleep studies confirm this as well). Even though I showered last night and had clothes laid out, I stumbled around confused, knowing that I had to stop for gas and needed change to pay for something at training. After my best attempt to get ready in a fog, I was on my way out the door at 7:30, still needing to stop for gas. I would be 15 minutes late. I had my coat on and purse on shoulder, and went into a panic attack.
I had this scene in my head that there would be no close parking spaces, and I have been having difficulty walking. I have view that conference room doors are closed and I am walking in late and there are no seats. Someone who is a registrar will help me find a seat. I had this vision of them taking me aside and telling me that I would not receive continuing education credits because I am late. Feelings of discouragement and humiliation. Then attempting to make excuses for myself. Feeling like others think Im irresponsible and making up stories and am inconsiderate for interupting speaker by coming in late. ( I never try to explain truth when these things happen). If I am a couple minutes late, I apologize and limit explaining or just say caught in traffic or someting minimizing which makes me feel like liar. I am a liar. I am too complicated to try to explain. Anyway, between knowing my gas tank is on empty and my sleepiness disorganization, the thoughts playing through my head of entering the room and interupting, heads turning toward me, being scolded, and punished by not getting credit for full day (which is likely not reality), I went into panic at the back door. My heart was racing, and I feared going out the door. Leaving would be bad. I panicked and froze. I tried taking deep breaths. I gave myself a minute and sat in the chair, challenging the beliefs that were running through my head. Telling myself that everyone is late sometimes, or gets lost, and that I am an adult and being 10 or 15 minutes late will not cause me to be scolded. It is like arguing with myself in my head and I am attempting to encourage myself. The more I challenge myself, the faster my heart is racing. One part of me is telling me to get my butt out the door and move. My body wont move. Another part is saying that I will wreck on the winding road (not interstate-cant make up time on this winding road). I can even invision going over the hill in my attempt to hurry. I could take a xanax for the panic, but already not fully alert-sounds like bad idea. Then I would not be able to stay awake. This could prove hazardous. (I even have double vision and cant visually focus during my wake routine). After 15 minutes of challenging the panic attack and attempting to calm and leave. I return upstairs and take the xanax and put my pajamas back on. I have failed again.
Now calmed and confused, I sit here with self criticizing messages filling my head. I have paid for this training and am out the money, I will not get the credit I need for licensure. I dont know how I will get all the trainings I need by the deadline. I cant do anything right, am not competent, not reliable, will never succeed, will never get back to where I was before assault, will never be able to compensate for medical/physical issues. I look fine and nobody understands how difficult it is to complete the simplest things. I also acknowledge that while my attitude and motivation to try again has gotten better in some ways, I am actually wondering if I do not have some slight agoraphobia.
While the in home assault brought on ptsd symptoms, I had similair symptoms during and after my first divorce when my ex stalked my and repeatedly assaulted and raped me on occasion. The cops laughed and said "well your his wife right". My in home assault was not by common criminal, it was by a police officer, a person in authority, someone we expect to be reasonable. He physcially assaulted me, took me from my home without full clothing and paraded me around the city building after taking me to hospital and verbally abusing me for what seemed like a long time.
As a kid, my mother was a depressed alcoholic. There was neglect and some abuse, but she was sick and did not wake up. The only way I knew how to get to school (because I could not tell time and she did not get up in the morning and I had no alarm) was for me to get all ready and watch out the front window and see if any elementary kids went by. Sometimes I just went without seeing any kids. There would be no crossing guard and I didnt know if I was too early or late. When I would arrive, the teacher would humiliated me in front of the class and sometimes send me to the office. I would overhear things from school staff that was bad for me. If they called my house and woke my mom, I would have hell to pay when I got home. I would be punished at school, have recess taken away, not allowed to participate in Brownies after school, etc. AT the moment, I feel like that child. I cant find the competent adult in me to function effectively. I feel so vulnerable to the world-its safer to stay in the house and isolate, yet I know thats not safe either. I jump when the doorbell rings or my dogs bark at something.
I cant sort which parts are ptsd and which is conditioning. I just know that for about 10-15 years of my life, at times, I walked into trainings or classes late, I was not concerned with being verbally attacked or humiliated. I did not care if those in charge passed judgements. Everybody runs late at times. Things happen. I lived a full life and did not let such fears interfere with what I wanted or needed to do. I did not think about childhood like this, or correlate my life as it were to who I was as a kid. The childhood issues did carry over to my early adult life. I was afraid to walk into a college class late at age 20 or so. Counseling helped and working through such issues left me very productive. I was not not usually late, but would never miss an event because of something like this. Is this early childhood conditioning, or is it part of ptsd.
So while I have been able to get a part time job and its not a great one, it is in my profession, pays fairly, and will allow me to make my own schedule for the most part. I hope I can do the work. I think I am competent in my profession and do believe I will do fine. The few good qualities that I have are important for me to maintain. One is honesty.
Geez I am sorry for such a long post, when I share how I feel like a failure, I explain it with too much length. I provide too many details I think. I think I do it because I want to share a clear and true picture of what I think and how I feel. I want to own it. I dont know how to shorten it. I criticize myself for that too. Nobody wants to read a book here. I really have isolated myself from my physical world, and may be too dependent on my ptsd friends here. I really appreciate your feedback here as I know that others can be honest and do give very good feedback and advice, sharing their own experience. I know that others here are open, have had counseling, and if not working on same issues, are working on personal growth. I would be afraid to tell this to some I know, as they would say something like-aha, voices in head, and of course thats not it, I know here that others know about the internal messages/dialog that plays in all of our heads and can be self critical or self nurturing, and the consequences are limitations or freedoms.
Again, I am sorry for the length. Please share your own experiences of what broken record plays for you, consequences, how you have interupted or changed, coping skills learned, if you correlate todays feelings of failure with a past time, if it has ever been better, advice, or anything else that this post may bring up to you or bring to mind. If you are patient enough to read this, I thank you for that and hope others will share their insight with me. It means a lot. I am really feeling like a failure today.
