I Feel Like A Fake

[SoSadGuilty]

People are being so kind, here on this forum and in real life. I feel like such a fake. I can't help it because I just keep thinking if they knew what I've done they'd not want to help me or sympathise. My mind keeps telling me "They'd say you deserve it if they knew what you really are". Reassurance fuels the doubt, the worry that I've buried or forgotten something "bad". That somehow I've been inappropriate or abusive or in some way abhorrent. I can't relax or be happy just in case..... I feel like a fake, a facade

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

I can imagine feeling that. Sometimes I have feelings like that too. When you feel like that, it probably won't help if I say that it's not true. Because I don't know everything about you etc. Just know that you also have good sides and we can see that. And (most) people can change. I've done stupid things, awful things maybe but that doesn't make me evil. Your regret shows that too. I hope you'll feel better soon and can get out of this 'thinking circle'. Because this thinking won't help anyone, even people you feel sorry for.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Honey, there are things I've done that people would gasp at. There is nothing on here for us to judge you about because we've all had our ins and outs. From what I've seen on this forum, there's no reason for you to feel guilty or feel abhorrent about. The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself and try to tell your counselor about what you've done to make you feel this way.
Please tell someone that is a licensed professional about how you feel. You're not a fake in my book so don't worry about things. We love you, pains and all.

 

[J_trustno1]

Hi, I don't know how well I can relate to you or your history. I go through phases when I dislike myself and can't forgive myself. Heck, I have been sad and guilty for a week since my neighbors cat went missing. I keep blaming myself for him being missing and thinking it's my karma's revenge on me because I didn't give him as much attention I had given to his brother Tom cat. I love both cats but Tom has always been my favorite. Sorry, I didn't mean to change the topic but what I'm going to say is that sometimes we can't control situations and can't always blame ourselves for wrong things. I don't know your past but first step to healing is knowing you have/hada problem and since you have recognized it, the next step is getting help. Then slowly learning about yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. It's a long journey but not impossible. Best wishes, jas. ( :hug:s if you accept them :) )

 

[VioletButterfly]

I understand, well, putting on the mask, but sooner or later cracks start to form and it wears away. I agree, it's time to put it out there and deal with it. Whether it's you blaming yourself for something someone else did or if it's the case that you made a mistake. It happens, we're human. Also, consider that PTSD can really do a number on how we think and then behave. Don't beat yourself up, start the healing instead. Good luck. VB

 

[Friday]

I'm a monster. I'm sure there are not only people who hate me, but people who are completely justified in hating me. What other people think about me? Shrug. That's their therapy bill.

This is my life. Not anyone else's. They can tell me to go to hell. Doesn't obligate me to do so. Much less do so just because I think someone, somewhere, might tell me to. Even if I agree with them? I still don't have to do what they want, much less what I think they want.

If you're living your life based off of what you think someone else might think? Cha. No wonder you feel fake. It's hard enough to live our lives to our own satisfaction, impossible to everyone else's satisfaction (you'll never get everyone to agree on anything), and that goes double with mind reading; as what you think someone wants & what they actually want are often miles apart.

 

[Ronin]

"They'd say you deserve it if they knew what you really are".

And they'd still be wrong and someones to not be listened to.

If you need someone's forgiveness & condoning & compassion in any portions? It's only yours. Not theirs. People change, and can't know what it was like, you've lived it.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I think you're all awesome. I spoke to the home care team again today but was too scared to mention PTSD in case they'd laugh at me. I've been signed off sick so I'm just trying to hold it together and feel a bit better for now. Then I'll tackle the scary stuff again.

I feel like a fake because I feel sort of like a shell but kinda hollow on the inside. It is hard to describe.....

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

I think you're all awesome. I spoke to the home care team again today but was too scared to mention...

I've had a couple years in which I couldn't feel anything. Except some negative emptiness, but not really negative. I no longer have this dysthymia (and depression), but sometimes it's not going well, I fall back some steps I made and feel it again. Maybe it's possible you have dysthymia? I would describe myself as a hollow shell back then too. You do things, but don't feel anything. It's like you don't have a personality or anything anymore.
My partner has/had those feelings too.

 

[joeylittle]

I feel like a fake because I feel sort of like a shell but kinda hollow on the inside. It is hard to describe.....

I kind of understand this. My interpretation of that hollow feeling is that I don't think I'm a person. That probably sounds kind of bizarre - and it's a big, slow piece of what I'm hoping to chip away at as I chip away at my trauma. I think that I act like a person, but that I'm not really a person, I'm a thing. A fake person. And I'm lucky that the actual people let me anywhere near them.

I know it's a symptom, but that doesn't make it easier to cope with. Separating my thoughts from my feelings helps me. I think I'm not a person, and that leads to me feeling empty, sad, alone. Making it into a thought, for me, gives me a little bit of distance, and I can kind of see that it's only my opinion, it's not a fact.

Don't know if that helps or not, but thought I'd share it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @joeylittle an object.

Thank you (always) for your input. :hug:

 

[Jadie Rose]

Wow, fake is exactly how I have felt lately and it's SO HARD when sitting in front of a trauma psychiatrist, who has 20+ years experience as oen of the top VA psychiatrists in a huge city filled with (OMG, brain fart...can't even remember what to call them, armed forces?? San Diego)...anyway, I feel like I am faking it in front of them and that totally scares me because what if I am and I'm just CrAzY in my head?! It's awful because it's 14 years after the sexual assaults and a few months after re experiencing it again with my 15 different MDs these past two years and not one of them thought I had PTSD. I had to try and kill myself and then was introduced to a trauma psychiatrist and therapist (had no idea that even existed, no one ever told me about EMDR or DBT or anything trauma related before for decade and a half...how could that be...so am I now putting on an act in front of these trauma specialists?!). I just wrote in another post I feel like the real me is the 1,000,000th mirror image what you see when you look into two different mirrors, and all those images appear...and my memory runs on still images, otherwise I can't remember yesterday...and it all seems out of body when I am looking at that image...wonder if that has anything to do with any of it? I hate that there are no answers for us, it really sucks and makes all even scarier. Hang in there, you're not alone, I feel the same way is best I can answer at this time (wish I had better answers)! Hugs