I Feel Like I Just Can't

[anonymous]

I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of waking up every morning fantasizing about suicide. I'm tired of leaving for work every day and hoping I'll die. I'm tired of being scared that someone else is going to die, having terrifying visions of what that would look like and imagining myself scream that it should have been me.

No one actually loves the best version of me, and certainly no one loves the worst version. The people who have claimed to love me just love who they want to believe I am while they are reviled by who I actually am.

And it doesn't matter, because no one is ever enough. No one ever loves me enough, gives me enough attention, continues to love me even when I'm distraught, and they all claim they don't want to hurt me, but I always wind up in the same position I was in as a kid--hiding and sobbing, begging for them to stop yelling at me.

No one can tolerate my communication issues or my memory problems, the compulsive lying, and sure, they shouldn't have to.

But that is me, and I can't change overnight, and I'm not sure I care enough about myself to change in the long run when all I can think about is how much I want to die. The depression is suffocating. I have no support network and no purpose. My life is meaningless, just another burden on the world. This Earth would be better off with half the number of people. I would be doing it a favor if I could just fulfill one of those persistent fantasies of ending it instead of suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

 

[Stickler]

For one, it sounds as if your "supporters" may be very critical or even verbally abusive?

For two, this level of exhaustion might benefit from a short vacation in chez mental unit, where they hopefully can get some fast improvement.

You're getting to the point where you're a threat to yourself, so please seriously consider taking my suggestion.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I have been where you are and am here if you need any support, please just feel free to PM me anytime. Mr Laurie

 

[hodge]

Hang in there, Anonymous. Just a thought -- can you apply for disability? If you didn't have the stressor of work, things might be a bit easier?

 

[The Albatross]

How about nixing the fantasizing?

 

[anonymous]

It's involuntary, Alba.

I don't want to stop working or check into a hospital. I have responsibilities.

I probably should see a P though.

 

[Kailani]

You are taking a step being on here and that's good! Good you have determined that this sort of existence is not working for you meaning some circumstances need to change. Maybe make a list of your circumstances and pick an easy one to change. Found taking vitamins and drinking lots of water helpful because at times I felt depressed from low iron and dehydration. Also calcium helps for pms depression. Maybe you are with a not so right group of people and maybe there is a PTSD support group in your area; with people that can understand your symptoms. A good counselor might help and maybe a med change. Maybe. Look at adjusting circumstances. Hope this helps! It all is overwhelming at first but only tiny steps to bigger ones.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks Kai. I've been seeing a trauma T for a year and previously had a T for five years plus saw two counselors while in college. I'm not on medication right now although that is on my to-do list. I just feel incredibly overwhelmed by a sense of being without purpose and without drive. Even the field I want to continue studying doesn't need me. Who the f*ck needs yet another composition director for their freshman population or another book on pedagogical theory?

I'm hoping the overwhelming waves of despair will ebb if I manage to actually make an appointment with a P and get treated. For now though the thoughts of wanting to die and feeling like my life is meaningless are extremely overwhelming.