Hun, I have always had a sleep disorder, and just manage around it now. But I have been to your state of mind countless times, and though it is extremely hard to gain, you have to give yourself permission to be in your postion. I usually get feelings of guilt for not doing what the quote unquote normal people can do with ease. But I have started not to bash myself, and indulge in my nothingness better now. I try to treat myself as the battered child I was, and that I need the down time. It does take work to do this, but it eventually lends to permission. I find with myself the safer I feel, to be on guard, cause that's when the real boomers hit. The mind is at rest and decides, ok, now deal with this. Ouch.
If it weren't for xanax, I could not handle my flashbacks. It is definitely my security blanket, just knowing I have it available to use, is a blessed bandade.
It also helps when I cannot sleep, and we all need sleep due to the lack of it makes our minds race.
But I use it as a tool and not a crutch, I have a fear of being addicted to anything.
Where you are is normal for what you've been through, and you should try not to punish yourself even more, when you are in such a delicate place.
Try to envision yourself being the mom to the child within, and nurture yourself. I know it sounds hard, but all begins with babysteps.
We are so used to harsh reality, that we forget ourselves when we are injured.
It is quite ok to let the world whiz by, in fact it starts to become a mental vacation, you will see.
I wish I could take your pain away, but the pain is a symptom that needs to be relieved. I too love the sound of morning, I never slept as a child until it started getting light out, and then I got maybe an hour or two. Light meant safety for a few hours.
I hope you can give yourself a break, and not worry so much about what you are doing, or lack there of, but more on why you need to do nothing sometimes.
I play videos when I am a nothing doing creature of this planet, and one of my self help books said if your childhood was robbed, be the child on occasions even if that means going to a toy store and buy a toy for yourself.
I do that all the time, and local kids reap the reward when I have had my fill on it.
Your a warrior, and need down time too.
