I Feel Sad That I Can't Seem To Get The Words Out...it Just Hurts

[Srain]

I feel sad that I can't seem to explain to my husband that his not looking at me when he talks or saying more than "okay" or "fine" is working for me, that it is hurting me. I get that he is going through a lot thinking about if he will ever return to his job, that it's the only job he has ever had for over 20yrs, that it sucks NOW being home 24/7 with me yapping all the time. I look at his face and he looks miserable and I can't do anything about that.

I feel sad that I'm wrapped up in my own preoccupying physical and emotional/mental garbage but dammit I am really doing the best I can. I am the one that has to take care of everything, he is just the silent supporter, which is great but shit I feel like now I'm expecting him to be something he isn't.Believe me I don't want him to change but there are times...............

I feel sad that I can't support him the way I should.

I hate this and I hate that my body is betraying me. I hate that I'm whining but I don't have an answer, I've driven him out of the house for the day- which probably the best thing for him but makes me feel like a MONSTER!!! :cry:

I hate myself for not being in a place where I can handle all of this..his stuff, my stuff, the house, job situation, doctors, appts, dogs, anything and everything. I don't know where else I fit in but I kind of feel like I fit in here.

I hope so because without this I am screwed .... ;(

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Rain))))

My hubby is a man of deep thought but none of them show on his face -the frozen mask of a kid raised by a screamer - and few words.

We're finally getting somewhere when he responds and I say 'you're giving me the empty abandoning face so I'm feeling emotionally abandoned...' or 'Please answer with at least 3 words....' or 'Ok....so, you shut down the conversation with that. Does that mean you want me to give you some alone time?'

We had a real breakthrough (well, HE may not think so...) when he was expressing himself and I did a role-reversal on him. Just put the blank face on and gave him 'ok' responses. OMG was he freaked out by that! He had NO PROBLEM expressing his feelings then!

It's a journey, for sure.

But it's not all on you.

(((((Rain)))))

 

[OKRADLAK]

Rain, you are an amazing and beautiful person, always with a kind word! You ARE doing the best you can!! I know how hard it is. I hope you get hope here. I know I do because of people like you.:)

((((((((RAIN!)))))))))

 

[Srain]

Great idea Bloom. I had taken a picture looking as I had said, mopey, but he was thinking I was being accusatory, which I was and was not, my feelings were hurt. However, this morning I took the opportunity, after reading these comments from both you and Okradlak, to rethink my approach. I showed him the picture and told him it hurts to see him so sad :( , it hurts to hear him talk without emotion knowing he is going through so much. It hurts ME that he is going through this. I asked him not to respond, as he immediately started to do, to deflect, to give me the "everybody has a day in which blah blah blah", I stopped him and just ask him as kindly as possible to just reflect upon what I was attempting to convey. And that I loved him very much...

and if he would give me a lap dance in a purple thong all the better HA!!! :laugh:

Needless to say his response was ACHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Thank you all for your unendless thoughts and kindness, he ended up NOT leaving yesterday as I had thought, but just going to the other room, so like him. One of the many reasons I love him with all my heart.

peace,
Rain

 

[KP the nut]

(((Rain))). It was only once I started to manage my symptoms did I realise just how much I had shut my H out. I never realised I was doing it, it was just that I was so dead inside.

We had stopped talking, we loved one another, but I rarely told him. He was the one who would hug me, I never hugged him unless I was feeling vulnerable and in need of a hug. I thank God he stuck by me.

I've gone blank in what I want to say, but I hope you can work out what it was.

Wishing you peace
KP

 

[The Albatross]

Rain, rearrange some focus and make him a priority for some of your "best self" time. My own husband had issues because he felt "I abandoned my marriage" when I began dealing with the health issues, alcohol abuse, depression, ADD.. and now PTSD. I realized that I needed relearn how to nurture my relationship, just like I needed to learn how to nurture and care for myself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Rain, it's inevitable that both of you will be feeling many things, including sadness and worry, under such stress.

I think I myself have been guilty of what your H does- I can certainly relate to his form of expression (or lack of), but I can only say it's not 'intentional'- especially adding ptsd or an inability to find the 'words'.
I've also found that sometimes what I've thought was others' reserve or lack of trust was more so mine reflected back- if it's possible I've found it helps to just 'trust' (if and when it's appropriate), to recognize the sadness etc is less reflective of anything 'between the two of you' than just ptsd and it's complications.

I don't have much to add except that I would imagine you both or either (of you) would feel 'odd' if the other person started acting differently, but I believe you love your husband and he you, totally, I don't think he's 'burdened' by you being at home at all.
You both likely just feel the frustrations and worries of each other- he for yours and you for his- especially when you can't 'fix' them for him (or he for you, but you want to) -not sure if anyone can love anyone more than that (ever). :)

((((((((((Rain))))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

And something just 'popped' into my mind Rain (though it's a small space, :confused: :rolleyes: ), know it's hard not feeling well and with everything else going on, but this is a chance or opportunity when you and your H can spend more time together- just let your selves put the worries aside that can't be changed right now (and/ but will work out) and enjoy each other's presence. Why not? :) :inlove:

I guess simply because so much of 'life' gets consumed by what's 'necessary', but why not concentrate on what's most important- the Biggest part of the Big Picture. :)

Everything will get 'managed' one step at a time, it will be ok.
xox

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Rain)))))))

Putting him ahead of some of the other priorities once in a while is a great suggestion from Alba. It helps us learn how to have more 'balance' - not just over an area of our lives, but in how we spend the energy of each day. I needed to hear this, too.

 

[Sazza]

(((((((((Rain)))))))

I am sorry i to don't have any words right now but i just want you to know i hear ya and you are well valued around here so keep reaching out. Sorry i don't know what to say but wanted you to know i have read and am thinking of you and hope things feel bit better soon.

Sazza

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Rain, exactly- you are valued everywhere.
xox