I Feel So Alone - Beating My Head Against a Wall For Help

[Immora29]

Yea.. When I applied for SSI they made me also apply for SSD and SSI, So I must be doing something wrong, or saying something wrong. I have a hard time explaining my feelings. I mean BAD!!!! I can't even pin point why I am having the attacks it just happens all of a sudden. I will have good weeks then all of a sudden BAM!!! Im right back at the beginning. and frankly its not good at all. Yea I took a class on what was called Wise Minds, and so I try to live by that as much as I can, but again its hard. But I try to self soothe as much as I can. I exercise more frequently now to reduce my attacks plus trying to eat better. Sometimes though I feel Im going out of my mind though with worry like... Oh no I better not eat that cuz it might hurt me in the long run. Unfortunately, I was cursed with THINKING TOO MUCH and its annoying with this Illness. So, when I think too much, and its bad thinking.. I panic. I just don't understand it.. I was raped and tortured at 4 years of age and yet. I had a good Childhood. I had friends, I graduated from high school, but when my family moved I stayed and thats prolly when I started noticing my symptoms but I didn't have my mental breakdown till 2004 after I had a miscarriage. Why is that? Why is that memories come flooding back now just when I think things are going good. Now I have no friends,cuz there afraid of me or something and well now I just don't leave my home cuz theres nothing out there for me but disappointment, danger, and hurt around every corner. Not very positive am I.. I use to be.. I miss that part of me. But I can't seem to win that attitude back. This illness is WAY too hard.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hi Immora,

I am new to this site also, but not new to PTSD. Yes it's a very hard thing to have. It can drain the heck out of you. But you can get better. You can find that person (that you were) again. It's a tough road to walk, it requires tons of hard work, but you can make it there again.

I basically went through everything that you are going through right now, and I have recovered to the point that I now have a normal life. ( whatever normal is) I work, go out, do things, go shopping, ect. It took time, therapy, and self determination to get there, but it can be done.

Don't stop fighting to get better. Maybe try telling yourself that what you are feeling is not who you are.... might help. I know that when I had Agoraphobia and couldn't leave my house without major panic and fear. I would tell myself over and over as I was CRAWLING BACKWARDS down my stairs to get out, that what I was feeling right now was abnormal, it wasn't a healthy thought, and I could get through this. It tooks months to get over it, but I did. You can too, just don't stop fighting for the person that you were. That person is still there, just buried under a bunch of crap right now.

Hugs,

She Cat