I feel so sorry for my therapist

[Emotional girl]

I feel so sorry for my therapist,when I first walked into his room he probably had the brief that he was about to deal with someone who had PTSD and that we would work on getting rid of a certain memory with the use of EMDR and I would be gone within 12 weeks.
However I kept getting stuck on EMDR and we discovered that I had CPTSD due to physical abuse from my father so we started on CBT instead.
He has to put up with my attachment towards him which he has always been so cool and understanding about,He has put up with me getting annoyed with him.He has to deal with my difficulties with endings and he has now been seeing me for a year when it was meant to be 12 weeks.We have been all this and we have managed to build up a great therapeutic relationship .
Over the last few weeks I felt like I have made some progress and was learning skills to take into the outside world ,things felt better than they had been in a long while.
When I saw him 3 weeks ago we had a very light session and there was some laughing and banter going on and I did feel like I was working towards a positive ending with him.
However everything changed last Thursday and I had a major trigger and I am pretty sure that I have repressing memories of sexual abuse ,
Tuesday I saw him for my session and I could hardly breathe ,talk and I was constantly crying and we had to sit there trying to deal with all this new raw emotion confusion and pain that I had brought into the room.
I know it his job but part of me feels so sorry for him and the fact that for some reason he has been picked to deal with this really screwed up person.I feel sorry that he has put in so much hard work and we were finally getting somewhere and now everything has been screwed up again.I feel sorry for the fact that he cares for me .

 

[Marinna]

I remember reading a reddit thread a while back about what therapists wish their clients knew about them. One well upvoted comment was from a therapist who wished his clients knew that they were very unlikely to be the most messed up person they have ever seen.

I think you shouldn't worry too much about it (although to be so concerned you are probably very compassionate). If the therapist can't deal, trust them to find their own solutions.
Hopefully your therapist has access to his own therapy.
I also do not think that potentially recognising yet another trauma is an example of you 'screwing up' anything. Maybe direct some of that compassion towards yourself. *internet hugs*.

 

[Muttly]

Maybe dealing with "really screwed up" clients is what drives him. Maybe that's what makes it worth getting up in the morning and going to work. Maybe dealing with people who have deeper and trauma, and thus, will have setbacks, is a positive experience for him because it gives him the opportunity to create healing.

I know I used to have conversations with my therapist about these sorts of things. She convinced me that she really loves working with clients like me. I can still slip into the mode of feeling like I'm a burden to her, but I also know that's old tapes.

Can you share what you posted here with your therapist?

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you both very much for your replies.I suppose at the moment I am in this very raw emotional state and I have got all this sh*t going on in my head.
I could tell the session was just as hard for him as it was for me as normally we say goodbye in a friendly way but on Tuesday it was like this massive stone had been dropped and we didn't say anything on the way out.
I know he speaks to his supervisor about things and she is there to support him but part of me cares about him and how he is dealing with the news.
Yes I am quite open with him so I could at least write it down for him.

 

[Justmehere]

You are doing a lot of your therapist’s thinking for him.

 

[Emotional girl]

You are probably right @Justmehere .I suppose I just feel like some kind of burden to him.

 

[KwanYingirl]

The thing about PTSD and therapy is that it is peeling back the layers of an onion. You deal with the here and now, stabilization, coping strategies. At some point in time, the core of the onion reveals itself. This is a predictable part of healing from PTSD. This is the territory of your movement through trauma. And his job is to first do no harm which it sounds that he is giving space for this new situation. And remember, we are a group of people who have cognitive distortions. One of yours may be that if you don’t follow some rigid roadmap of wrapping up your trauma in 12 sessions, then you’re not doing it right. Untrue. You deserve all the time in the world to work towards unpacking a heavy bag of traumas. I’ve been in therapy for 20 years and I’m still not able to have EMDR. Make a cup of tea, relax, he will walk this walk with you.

 

[Justmehere]

You are probably right @Justmehere I just feel like some kind of burden to him.

What is a possible challenge to this?

Therapists don’t go into therapy to work with people who are doing great and totally have their stuff together. A quiet moment as you walk out the door - may have been his effort to respect what you shared. Not because he thinks you are a burden or found the session to be a heavy weight on him. Don’t project what the session was like for you on to him and assume it’s the same for him. He’s not you.

He’s also not like those that abused you.

Abusive people would send the message that someone in therapy a burden. Your abuser(s) wanted you to believe you were unworthy.

And they were wrong. It’s time for you to begin to disagree with those that abused you and let your therapist do his own thinking for himself.

I hope that you share with him that you feel like a burden to him and he has the opportunity to tell you what he actually thinks and feels.

All this shame you are carrying belongs on the perp. Give it back to them.

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s not up to you to manage your therapists feelings.

 

[Freida]

I sometimes felt like that....until my t told me she looks forward to our sessions because I bring her challenges she doesn't usually get in her day to day sessions. With me she has to actually work...and research. We are the kind of patients they get to use all their skills with...not just the "I need help with My marriage, my kid, my life" stuff. We are the people they spend years in school for. ....and we are very rare.

My response? Challenge accepted!

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you all for your replies and your support.It has been a really tough week for me and maybe I am projecting some of my feelings onto him and assuming way too much.
I guess I feel this way because I have kept these feelings repressed for so long and now they are starting to surface he is in the one who has ended up in the firing line and he is one at this present time who has to help me.
He has refered me to a sexual abuse therapist but in the mean time he is going to help me with the flashbacks ect.
I will talk to him about feeling a burden to him.