I Finally Told Her..

[FindingMyself88]

So Thursday was probably the most difficult session I have ever had not only with my current T but over the past 5 years of therapy period. I finally shared some particular details about one of my traumas that I have never shared with anyone and it is the root of my shame and feelings. I know that in the long run it was a very productive session and probably even a turning point. My therapist actually self-disclosed a bit so that I could know that she doesn't judge and to help me feel less shame.

Since our session, things have been very rough. Crying has never been safe for me because I was beaten for it as a child. But since our session I have had multiple crying spells. I've also had migraines because of the crying and all over body pain to the point of throwing up. Today I had a new flashback that relates. I knew certain aspects of the flashback but one part of it really connected for me some things but also left me crazy shaken and dissociated for a while.

I am trying my best to do lots of selfcare, even if thats just curling up in bed with my dog and heating blanket. I see her again Wednesday and then I wont see her for 2 weeks. I know trauma work isnt easy, but this just plain sucks...

 

[ladee]

Outstanding courage for you to take your healing to another level. And staying cuddled with your dog is good self care. Try to stay hydrated.
Reading your share and hearing the courage it took made me think of the fact we somehow survived the initial trauma....and then we have to share it with someone to heal.
At least the sharing helps put a stop to the suffering.
Very inspired by your share.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@ladee Thank you <3 I can see that it was a huge step even if the moment is very painful. Thanks for the reminder of hydration- I do have dysautonomia so dehydration definitely makes that worse.

 

[NightSky]

Vulnerability hangovers are the worst. Giving yourself whatever you feel like you need is the best way to recover from them. You opened up the wound and now it just needs some care from you. Awesome job by the way. It doesn't feel worth it in the immediate aftermath when you need to walk out of the supportive environment and back into the world where it might feel lonely. But you're not alone. And it will be so worth it.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@NightSky thank you, so very true. I told my therapist that I was terrified to leave her office because I was afraid the processing wouldn't stop and then I wouldn't know how to handle it. So all I can do is try.

 

[Muttly]

you were very brave to share. I know it's hard, but you will get through this. My therapist always reminds me that I already survived what happened. you did this and can keep doing it. Hang in there and don't be afrad to reach out for extra support.

 

[Missycat]

Well done and good for you for sharing with your T. I completely understand how difficult and painful it is and as you are processing such dfficult memories there will be ups and downs. You will get stronger though and hopefully with the help of your T find ways for you to heal and look after yourself.
I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

 

[Beaglefan61]

Good idea to get some extra support then. Had a friend once say 'don't get caught too alone in your pain'. Such an absolute wisdom. Is understandable fear about the processing not stopping once you leave. Scary thought of being caught too alone with it and not having the support you need. Good you are getting support here. That you are taking care of yourself and being gentle with you is helpful. We all need that during times like this!

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you all for the kind words. It's been hard because 2 of my closest friends are going through some difficult times too so I don't want to reach out to them for support. Plus I just can't bring myself to share what I shared with my T with anyone else. I do see her Wednesday but then she will be gone for 2 weeks. My service dog has been very helpful today. He's for my physical disabilities but also my ptsd. He helped bring me out of the dissociation earlier a lot sooner than I would've.

I'm thankful I can come here to vent as needed. ❤

 

[Beaglefan61]

That is kind of you that you don't want to overwhelm your friends. It is hard to know when we would do that or when if both talked it would help both. What you say about "Plus I just can't bring myself to share what I shared with my T with anyone else" is another matter though, pretty understandable. I am glad that meanwhile you have your service dog to help comfort you in ways to help you out of the dissociation sooner. We all get through this together, which is what was taken away from us in so many ways before. Glad you are venting and getting support. My best to you in finding the best ways and best times for knowing when mutual support will work to help all rather than being a burden to any. That gets tricky to know. and hoo rah for your dog!

 

[Freedomfighter]

I know once you share that trauma it will give your T the chance to address the challenges, it is painful but very positive for future healing.

 

[amosmorris]

Vulnerability hangovers are the worst. Giving yourself whatever you feel like you need is the best way...

Omg--"vulnerability hangovers"--perfect term--(I so so so get these)....and all good healing vibes to you, @FindingMyself88