The thing is, I carry on through life ignoring the danger but I know it is always there. I pretend its not, but I get reminded randomly, constantly. It is no wonder I freak out and feel unsafe so often. Its hard to explain the constant fear and denial. Maybe its nothing, just empty threats meant to keep me in check. But it does not ease the fear. I was warned many times about what can happen if I speak. But is it possible for the person to act on their threats.
Growing up I remember the way he use to play mind games with me, teach the wrongs things to make me seem off and crazy. Its hard to explain to people without sounding crazy and I have no way of proving it so it is easy to made seem crazy. Abusers can be so clever with the way they set things up.
I feel crazy for even thinking that, that it is impossible for people to mess with your head to that extent. But life has taught me otherwise. I get so confused sometimes. Even if I did speak it would just turn into a big mess, I would be humiliated and most likely be deemed crazy anyway.
Then there is the stigma of being a victim of that kind of crime and the fear that comes with the ptsd. I feel like a monster most of the time, but really if I take out the layer of madness that cloaks my brain, I know I am not. I am a very caring and passionate person, and even when I try not to care and feel things I can't. I feel to much most of the time.
So there is only one thing left to do, push on, pretend that that threat never existed. I know I am safe now. I live pretty far, and I am with a man who never takes advantage of my fragile gullible mental state. I never have to worry about him being manipulative and for the first time since I was a child I do not have to worry about being taken advantage of and having mind games played on me.
I have nightmares sometimes, but it is weird because something has changed. Some of my nightmares have happy endings. You see I will have a nightmare of someone or people trying to rape me, I hide like I always do with the fear they are outside the door. Then I realise something. I learned how to fight in my MMA class and I peak out the door to see a threat that was not so much of a threat afterall. I go out and beat the people or man up and he runs off.
This makes me feel a bit better about my capabilities, but I am not that good yet. IDK I have been through so much, sometimes I feel like it is impossible to go through so much, but I have met others who have been through worst. Its something that haunts me.
I guess the only thing to do is continue to block out the parts that I am not ready to handle, to pretend it is not there. To continues to fix the problems I face by gaining an education, learning MMA, therapy, and more. I guess at this point of my recovery I am ready to continue my fight, not only for myself but for others who may suffer. If anything I can take something ugly and use it to inspire myself to do something beautiful. To gain to aspiration needed to create a system that can contribute to organization and people who can stop and create ideas to prevent people from suffering. It may be impossible but its worth a try right?
Growing up I remember the way he use to play mind games with me, teach the wrongs things to make me seem off and crazy. Its hard to explain to people without sounding crazy and I have no way of proving it so it is easy to made seem crazy. Abusers can be so clever with the way they set things up.
I feel crazy for even thinking that, that it is impossible for people to mess with your head to that extent. But life has taught me otherwise. I get so confused sometimes. Even if I did speak it would just turn into a big mess, I would be humiliated and most likely be deemed crazy anyway.
Then there is the stigma of being a victim of that kind of crime and the fear that comes with the ptsd. I feel like a monster most of the time, but really if I take out the layer of madness that cloaks my brain, I know I am not. I am a very caring and passionate person, and even when I try not to care and feel things I can't. I feel to much most of the time.
So there is only one thing left to do, push on, pretend that that threat never existed. I know I am safe now. I live pretty far, and I am with a man who never takes advantage of my fragile gullible mental state. I never have to worry about him being manipulative and for the first time since I was a child I do not have to worry about being taken advantage of and having mind games played on me.
I have nightmares sometimes, but it is weird because something has changed. Some of my nightmares have happy endings. You see I will have a nightmare of someone or people trying to rape me, I hide like I always do with the fear they are outside the door. Then I realise something. I learned how to fight in my MMA class and I peak out the door to see a threat that was not so much of a threat afterall. I go out and beat the people or man up and he runs off.
This makes me feel a bit better about my capabilities, but I am not that good yet. IDK I have been through so much, sometimes I feel like it is impossible to go through so much, but I have met others who have been through worst. Its something that haunts me.
I guess the only thing to do is continue to block out the parts that I am not ready to handle, to pretend it is not there. To continues to fix the problems I face by gaining an education, learning MMA, therapy, and more. I guess at this point of my recovery I am ready to continue my fight, not only for myself but for others who may suffer. If anything I can take something ugly and use it to inspire myself to do something beautiful. To gain to aspiration needed to create a system that can contribute to organization and people who can stop and create ideas to prevent people from suffering. It may be impossible but its worth a try right?
