SilentWhisper- I want to ask you a question, but I am afraid that it may come across wrong. I do not want for that to happen, so please understand my intention while I ask this. I do not know you outside of this forum, and I am only aware of what picture you offer to us through your words. I do not want to presume to know anything about you, or to insinuate anything about you. I am asking this because I want to get a bigger picture of who you are and how you think about things. This is not meant to come across as blame, not for one single moment. So please, do not take it as such.
It is clear that you have a problem with self image. I can understand that, as we all can. It is hard after feeling unwanted, or unloved to find a place in which we are valued. For me, I was in that place for a long time. Nobody loved me, nobody cared, nobody bothered. I felt that I was a burden, a nuisance. I read body language, I heard how I was treated with words, and it seemed different to me. I was being treated differently. And one day, somebody took a chance on me, and he looked at me and he said "Do you know that your body language is all defensive and hostile?"
I did the whole head snap thing, what? Are you kidding me? Well, ok, I stood there with my arms crossed, scowl on my face that was a declaration of the fact that the world hated me- but it looked to everyone else like I hated them. This friend of mine, opened my eyes to the idea that I had inherited the same behaviors that I had been given. I didn't realize it until then. He had needed to point it out to me. My knee jerk reaction was "How dare you, you don't know me, you don't know, you don't know..."
Yes, I was hurting. Yes, I was depressed. Yes, I felt no worth. Yes, I had the right to be mad and bitter. But you do not get better, you do not recover with mad and bitter. You need to want to recover because of mad and bitter rather than by embracing it. You recover by looking at a persons good intentions, questioning yourself by asking- is it possible that I/ you are actually behaving in that way, the way in which a wounded person carries themselves with their guard still up, and making people around you believe that you are not like-able, unintentionally?
I am not insinuating that you are like me. This is however, how it was for me before I had PTSD. I had to re-evaluate myself. Because I too blamed everyone for not liking me. Was it my own fault, no. I was damaged. But, I did have a different choice that I could make if I wanted to. I had no choice in the fact that I was hurting, but I could choose how I dealt with it.
There will be people in your life that will not like you. Maybe for no reason at all, just a difference in hormones, or compatibility, or whatever. I am very like-able, but I am also not very like-able. It depends on who it is that is standing beside me which determines if they are compatible with me, and me with them. This is natural. You probably know someone that you do not like, without knowing why. Not really anyways.
But for the record, I like you. You deserve to feel loved. Please be kind to yourself.
