I Give Up On Therapy Now!

[Zipperhead]

When we look at ourselves and judge ourselves, how can we blame others for validating our own opinion. The first step to making friends is to like ourselves. Don't believe me? If we don't like ourselves, then when other people try to be nice, we end up wondering what they want. It's obvious to us that they aren't being nice because they might like us. Who could like someone like me? So we question the motives and push them away.

So Silent Whisper, if you want to make friends, the first step is to stop looking for hidden meaning, stop judging others, take advice at face value. You are worthy of having friends. People can like you, if you let them. And people can help you if you listen. As bad as this might sound, the first step to improving your own self esteme is to consider what person you hate the most. Do they have friends? Are they better than you? Really? Any time you suffer with self doubt, think about that person. And remember you are a better person than them. You are worthy of having friends. And when people offer advice, consider that advice before throwing back in their face. Not all advice is relevant or usable. But any advice, offered with good intentions, deserves at least a nod and a "I'll consider that."

 

[BloomInWinter]

SilentWhisper,

There is a basic thing that needs to happen before ANY processing of trauma can proceed safely without dangerously destabilizing a patient.

Establishment of safety. That the patient is living in a safe place. Is surrounded only by safe, healthy, supportive people. The patient is 'in the land of approach' of possible new behaviors for assertiveness, goal attainment, and distress tolerance.

By what you have said, you are living with an active abuser, your mother. Is this accurate? If so...is there any chance you can get OUT of that living situation? Even living alone in poverty is better than living with a soul-killing abuser.

You owe her nothing. She CHOOSE to have you. It's not your fault she became a mom when she didn't want to. She had choices. Her telling you that is ABUSE. Her continuing to say ANYTHING to you other than just loving you and offering to help is keeping you from establishing safety in your life.

Please do take care and limit the time you spend listening to her.

Your T. would have been incompetent to proceed into therapy while you are in such a psychologically dangerous environment.

I had to live out of my car and with friends to get out when I was younger than you are now. You can do it. A women's shelter or victim assistance can help you. Please call them and find out what options are available to you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((SilentWhisper)))))))

You are so hard on yourself. That much comes through. I know that I struggle with this too. It is the overlay of all the abusive messages given to me over the years that became internalized and a part of my internal emotional environment.

Please try not to beat yourself up for not having friends. HOW would you know how to be a friend? The first person who should have taught you that was your mom. Obviously....she doesn't have that skillset.

It's not your fault you didn't learn about trusting people, because you are surrounded with untrustworthy people.

Don't trust is a message that allowed you to survive. ...and it doesn't sound like you ought to extend trust to anyone in your current environment. But friendship will require trust, someday when you are on your own and practicing being a friend to yourself.

The skills of relating to people require a healthy, safe environment. You didn't have this. But these skills are something you can learn. Likely, not from her, though. I'm not saying she is a bad person, just that she isn't likely healthy enough herself to be of much help to you in healing.

I highly encourage you to see out 'Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Dysfunctional Families' meetings - ACA in the phonebook. By what you've said here, you not only qualify, but you would find several people with lives like yours all willing to both listen and accept you as you are.

You have expressed a feeling of wanting to be seen.

This feeling is known to me. It is called 'loneliness'. It is good that you are starting to be able to feel these feelings. Thoughout the day, if you find yourself feeling anything...try to label it in your head.

I feel....irritated? annoyed? hopeful? silly? apprehensive? afraid? invalidated? etc....

 

[BloomInWinter]

I just read up that you had moved out. This is good.

If you are moved out, perhaps it would be wise to limit your time spent around your mom and sister until you have more stability, support, and skills to employ when being around them.

Every minute you spend around unhealthy people is hours sucked away from applying your strength towards your healing.

Even if you have to sit in the library alone rather than be around them, I can tell you it is worth it to break free. I did that in my late teens/20s. I broke free from my family. I did it by refusing to answer the phone, by going to be early, by not responding, and by attending many AA/Al-anon/ACA meetings. ...and volunteering.

Breaking free saved my life, but it didn't save me from PTSD.

I thought I'd live on my own all my life, but then I met my hubby when I was in my late 20s and we've been together ever since.

I would never have even liked him if I had still been in my family system. He would have been written off as 'too nice.'

 

[SilentWhisper]

I won't ever take you're words wrong if you speak to me on the same level, if I find you are attacking me, you are making me feel threatened and you are not on the same lever.... Then I can be explosive.

You see I would say I don't even have a guard to put up, the amount of times boys have stopped me and towards the end tells me I am strangely very calm and relaxed I can't even count on two hands. However I do know that because I don't have such a guard I do find it can make me a easy target and people feel like they can treat me like crap. I find I can make friends if I tried hard enough but as you already said I feel like I don't deserve friends or love or anything because that's what I was brought up to believe (after all my father did tell me he never wanted me or loved me so he shouldn't feel objected to see me) and yeah I know this has to be addressed.

I do have 1 friend that feels more like a partner to me than a friend. She likes me just the way I am, she is there for me when I'm down, if I'm about to harm myself she is the only one that can stop me, her family had taken me in when I didn't have my family to turn to and they have said I am always welcome no matter what.

However I do have a habit of being to friendly and making wrong friends as I am so desperate to.... I guess just feel. Luckily only one of these situations lead me to getting abused (had to hide the bruises for days) and I have never allowed myself to get close to anyone who comes to me first as they are almost always after one thing, so I now choose who I want to give time to and if I don't think it is worth it I wouldn't bother.

Yeah I left home a long time ago however my mum has a way of still controlling me although we are not together. I believe she loves me, but I believe she is showing me in the only way she knows. Sometimes she has her heart to hearts with me and wants to take me to all the holidays and lie to my sister that I payed to come then other times she tries to... I guess change me to make me the way she wants me to be (she is trying to tell me to become a doctor as she works with them and they are somewhat rich but she tries to make me feel better by saying I don't have children so I have nothing to hold me back!) You see what she is doing here? If so imagine that sort of manipulation in everything.

My sister and I have never got on, we don't call each other or speak to each other unless we are both at my mum's house but besides that she doesn't know me and I don't give a damn about what she does.

Living alone has been the best move I have ever made even if I do truly feel alone now but I only see my mum on the weekend (if even that) and my sister every 2 weeks (if I have to pick their kids up from school them more).

I am moving houses again in a few weeks (for the 4th time) and it is somewhat further than my mum's and sisters house so I think I will spend less time with them as suggested.

Sorry if I missed anything, I'm using my phone to type this all up and kinda get bored half way through and loose track of what I was saying.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Glad to hear you have supportive people in your life.

I was unwanted by my dad, too.

 

[SilentWhisper]

My family are quite complex you see. I am mixed race (half black half white) however my dad's family are racist towards black people (as where a lot of old english people) which means they hated me and my sister as we were seen as 'black' by them and it was like we put a nasty taste in their mouth. My dad was never racist however as time went on he gradually became more and more racist and even went as far as to comparing up to 'gorillas'.

My mums family suffered the racial abuse growing up in 'white' briton and most of them grew up to get along with each other but still deep down had the dislike towards white people which was hell for me as I have more white features than black (long curly brown hair, green/blue/grey eyes and the mixed race complexion but a lot lighter than normal... I guess I was kind of a throwback). I was never accepted in my family and at the time mixed race people wasn't very accepted in society. So as you can imagine I never fit in anywhere which is where I believe my self hatred stems from.

For me being rejected by my dad was fine as I had my mum and she was always a single parent, however being rejected by family too on both sides and feeling like a burden, inconvenience and a damn right failure and waste of planet capacity and co2 is not okay. People would kill to have my looks and the attention it gets but I would trade that all in with a click of a switch to just look like everyone else, be more accepted.

So yeah if I could choose between my mum or dad quite frankly I wouldn't choose either because why should a child have to choose something like that? I would just prefer to be accepted than be labelled. I know this kind of went off topic but me bringing up my father reminded me of my past and somewhat put me back there... Yeah those scares are still fresh and raw as I am now what everybody has made me, a reflection of the past, exactly what you turned me into. ( When I say 'you' I mean it metaphorically)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have noticed how much calmer you sound now then you did in your earlier posts. :) I was like that too, when I first joined. It was hell, being around so many people I could connect with but, still I was so ill and in so much pain.

Just talking about it really helps. I think you are doing great so far, keep it up. :)

 

[SilentWhisper]

Thanks you and thankyou everyone for you're reply's and support. ☺