I Got Rid Of The Memories But They Came Back...

[Mars]

6 years ago the entire country was engulfed in riot and chaos (I feel no need to say where I come from - however guessable by the info I give and IP) I was coming back from judo class walking down the street parallel to the one protesters were gathering. I could hear shouts, angry callings, sirens and ... in the distance when suddenly I heard several gun shot (later in foreign news agencies I realized police and paramilitary had opened fire) and stream of people started to flow in the street I was through alleys, running in fear and dispersing. I also tried to run but couldn't run fast because my leg was hurt badly that day on tatami's wooden side. after a while I found myself left behind carrying my heavy bag with only a few people running around me when someone shouted "take cover... those bastards care for no one and nothing" I looked back and saw paramilitary running towards us with guns I dropped my bag and ran towards the wall on my right where there was entrance to a closed shop which could give me cover if I hugged the closed door. I hitted the door desperately and pushed my back towards the door and I could hear gunshots so close. I saw a young girl running in fear, left behind and breathing hard due to panic and long run looking back and forth. I shouted towards her to lay down but she just kept running and suddenly got shot in neck and collapsed in front of me. staring into my eyes, wheezing, profusely bleeding, stretching her hand towards me... didn't take long.... maybe 10 seconds... that 10 seconds have ruined me since... I couldn't stay on my feet, sitted down and then collapsed still pushing myself to wall thinking what to do... the paramilitary didn't come any further and I don't know where they went after a minute people rushed back in gathering around her body and (then I realized) 2 other dead guys further ahead, carrying them away shouting angrily against government... for 6 months I carried it with me. nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, but day after day I got better and recovered.
everything was fine until last month when I saw a girl in the street and her face looked very similar... I thought I have seen this girl somewhere and in a sudden I had a flashback to that 10 seconds... she looked just like her... since then I started to get flashbacks again... once or twice everyday... shaking, remembering, sweating, and feeling something new that I didn't have 6 years ago... feeling guilty... I don't know what to do I didn't do anything special that time to recover but now I am suffering badly. any help, tips or guides would be appreciated.

 

[shimmerz]

Try to take in this. Peter Levine talks specifically about a re-traumatizing event coming up again. This is how he dealt with it. Alot of body work. I believe it is a skill we should all keep in our toolbox. Front and centre. I hope it helps.

We have to learn to manage this stuff as we will always be prone to it. Good luck to you.

http://www.psychalive.org/video-dr-peter-levine-on-working-through-personal-traumatic-experience/

 

[The Albatross]

Writing it out is a good start. Recognizing the trigger of a girl in the street that looked like the one in your traumatic situation is a good start. You did what you could do at the time (shouting for her to lay down). Welcome to the forum.

 

[Lucycat]

You cannot get rid of memories. But you can learn how to deal with them so that they have no 'hold' over you. I hope that you can access a therapist who will be able to work through this with you.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome, @Mars. I don't know what kind of mental health care exists in your country - you went through a traumatizing experience, and the fact that it is flaring back up indicates that you may need to do work on processing the trauma.

Have you seen a doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist/counselor-type person and talked about this? Or, if you are religious, the head of your particular practice?

 

[Friday]

When I'm doing well... I like my ghosts. I see them in the faces of people I meet, people who pass me on the street, they live in my memories. Even if no one else remembers them, I do. They feel sacred in a way. Oh. Hello, you. Peace be upon you.

When I'm doing badly, they make me furious. And guilty. And so, so tired. I watch them die. I feel their weight missing from the world. And their children. And children's children. I see the might have beens. Could have beens. I wish I could stop it. My entire body shakes with the need to make things stop. To change things. To go back. To act differently. To be differently.

But there is no going back. My mind might take me. I may relive the moment a thousand times, but my body can never follow. That moment? And all the moments leading up to it are gone. I am here in the present. Here. With the birds, and the air, and the sun behind the clouds. The smoke curls, the stupid birds keep at their songs, the planes cut through the clouds. I am here. I cannot change the past. No matter how furious that makes me.

You recovered once before. You will do it again.

I did, too. Years and years doing well, until a thing brought it all back. That's normal. It happens. Remember the last time, when the nightmares stopped. When the anxiety attacks receded like the tide. When you could stop fighting and simply live. Last time, you wouldn't have known it would stop. This time, you know it will. In some ways, that makes things harder. Like sitting in a cafe, versus sitting in a cafe waiting for someone.

Welcome to the forums. I hope you find what you need, here.

 

[Mars]

Thank you all, I feel a lot better for sharing the story, it was agony to carry it untold. I have access to psychologists and therapists but I am not sure in taking one because I don't think I will be able to share the story when I am not anonymous. I tried once and the psychologists was keeping asking ok what happened, and "I experienced something really awful and traumatic that makes me sweat and shake everyday" wasn't enough for him and he said I can't help you if you can't tell me what happened, he even thought I was raped and was ashamed to express it but I really couldn't share the story and I just gave out a little more info "I witnessed a death, a terrible one which I could stop" and left the office.

 

[shimmerz]

wasn't enough for him and he said I can't help you if you can't tell me what happened

I understand this to a degree, but anyone who knows trauma in a professional way understands that it takes time. Lots and lots of time. Pushing is not the way to do it. Can you try again with a therapist who understands PTSD?

 

[The Albatross]

Crack the lid on it here, and when/if you are ready... try again.

 

[Mars]

I reserved a visit with one of the best psychiatrics known here. first the secretary told me if I can come in 5 weeks and I mentioned it is emergency, doctor picked phone up and talked to me in personal, I told him about my PTSD and that a terrible scene caused it and I am dying of guilt and the doctor just told me "come tonight at 9:30 after all my patients". 11AM here now and I am going tonight hope it helps. staying longer at 9:30 PM for me... that just enlightened me a bit that maybe this guy is the right one... he known what I am going through and can help me, otherwise he would not ask me to go tonight while his first free time is in 5 weeks.

 

[shimmerz]

otherwise he would not ask me to go tonight while his first free time is in 5 weeks.

He sounds like a humanitarian. Wish there were more of those out there. Good luck to you Mars. :hug:

 

[Mars]

guys, after more than a year. I just wanted to say that I got better but never as good as I was before the incident or even as "between incident's first shock and first flashback" times.