I Guess I Am Just Checking In

[desiderata310]

I am not sure where this is going. There are so many things that are exacerbating things right now I feel like I am living in a three ring circus. Only I don't get to claim "not my circus, not my monkeys".

My therapist moved his practice. It's potentially a good thing for me. I was beyond freaked out when I was in that office because of noise, etc. He says I wasn't the reason that he moved but it certainly felt like it.

I found out that my insurance had run out a long time ago. My therapist was letting me continue and only pay the co-pay. This realization actually caused me a lot of problems. My trust issues really came out in base relief and I freaked out. It took a while for me to calm down (a couple of weeks actually)a bit from that because I am accustomed to everything having a price tag. At one point I was in his office begging him not to hurt me. ugh. I guess I was triggered then? That response didn't make much sense. There was nothing he was doing that was threatening. NOTHING. he was just saying that he was not going to hurt me. It's ESPECIALLY bad when someone says they are doing something nice for me. wow. that umm... has me upset just writing about it. I'm sort of almost back to ok ... except I am having terrible nightmares involving my therapist because of it.

I have some really terrible things going down at work. Bad enough that I have had to seek legal council. Bad enough that I could be quitting my job. Bad enough that I might be moving again. I am actually afraid to go into ANY detail ANYWHERE. My therapist knows details and that's it.

No... not stressed.

My therapist was kind enough to let me scope out the new office and encouraged me to stop by and check it out (yeah. I have to see a place and check it out before hand. I HAVE TO- it really makes the difference for me)
When I got there today for my session the construction crews were just starting. We got ten minutes in and he called it and said "NOPE, I don't want you having a bad experience and getting triggered here on the first day" (yes I used that word correctly) "Let's try again tomorrow. I'll make a request that they not start until after our session)

I have stayed in a kind of low level panic attack for the last two weeks. Been keeping my head down and just pushing forward. Not posting here really.

I dunno. I was actually looking forward to things getting a little easier and things have just stepped up, way up.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sorry to hear you're struggling. My old therapist redecorated his office and the first time I went in, I was overcome with dread. I always wanted him to sit in one seat and turn the one next to him around because I kept seeing my grandfather sitting there and threatening me. Everything took forever to process and get back to some sense of normalcy. I trembled for months and every session I would dissociate and come to in a fetal position. He said he thought I was giving him too much power. Ya think?

My current therapist is really gifted. I have made so much progress with him. But, damnit, I got bad news from my realtor that basically I'll be homeless for three days between closing a in my house selling and buying a condo. It was such a catastrophe. First I woke at 3am with a migraine and threw up. Then I headed to work and I had hyperventilated so much I could barely drive. I had two choices go to the ER or take a tranquilizer. I did the pill and was able to work.

The good news is that I didn't over medicate or cut. I tried focused breathing but it was too late-I was already activated. The problem was that my realtor was NOT looking after my best interest and disregarded my PTSD (which from the beginning I told him I have it and taught him what I would need to accomodate it-so far he's done zero to help). So I decided to use the DEAR MAN method of getting what I wanted despite the interpersonal conflict that unhinged me. It worked!!! So I am now 2 for 2 successfully negotiating for my needs and not burning any bridges to do it.

I don't know if this helped you or not. I was trying to say to you that I totally get your level of distress and the accumulation of despair the longer things stay untreated. Too many loose ends. But I also wanted to say, don't give up on therapy, and I would accept his financial aid if I were you. I am self employed and I have clients that have no money but have extreme hirsutism. It's my way of paying it forward. Also, in my recovery I meltdown but am reaching out to my T. He told me today that for a whole year I tried to present as being functional when he clearly knew I was coming apart at the seams. I trust him now.

I hope the new office feels safer to you so you can get the help you need. You've been struggling most of the summer, don't you think? It takes a long time to see progress.

 

[desiderata310]

OH! @KwanYingirl I am so sorry about the three day homeless stint. That's terrible. I understand your anxiety though! When I moved to my new town here I didn't have a place to live. I was having a horrible time finding a place that would take my pet too! I AM glad that things are going to work out and so pleased you didn't cut.

Yeah, it's been a tough summer. It's been a tough year but I tend not to look at it in light of the whole picture. I'm too close. All I can see is the moment I am in and I am trying to breath through that.

I think that I will be able to adjust to the new office a little better once I can get in there and there aren't hand saws and banging starting up as we are settling in. It really was more than I could bare this morning. I was in tears by the time that we called it and decided to try again tomorrow. He walked me out because I was so anxious about getting out the door. (I didn't say anything)

The financial aid: It's not pride. I am actually terrified that he will hold this over me and use it to hurt me later. UGH. I'm shaking typing about it. It's a very kind gesture and he mentioned that he was required to keep enough space open to take clients on for free or reduced rate; especially those who are in a place where they would not fair well without therapy. *hangs head* I'm trying to deal with that as well. I used to NOT be like that. I never thought I would ever be in therapy now... twice a week.

Now I'm counting the hours till my session tomorrow.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Good! It really is an unspoken 'rule' in the helping business to give deep discounts to people that otherwise would have to forego treatment. I give students a discount too. And they still don't show for their visits!!!

Have you tried any energy healing? I can't remember if you have. Yoga and reiki have helped me calm down
my whole nervous system is less reactive. And I was forever falling off one cliff or another. I've seen somatic experiencing mentioned as a powerful healing tool. There's only guys in Portland that do it and that's not going to happen. When I was getting regular massage from a woman I trusted completely I had no migraines. She quit to run her hubby's restaurant.

Hang in there. You're going to have a breakthrough. It's so damn hard to unpack trauma. Our poor brains need our comfort. I'm rooting for you!

 

[desiderata310]

Ok.. now I am in tears. I can't help it. It's stupid but I can't stop.
My therapist texted me and told me that he couldn't get in touch with his land lord to ask them to start at 8 instead of 7 (we meet at 7 am to avoid noise) so he is canceling tomorrow as well. I swear I just feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails and he tells me I have to wait another day possibly into next week. The thing is we are really busy this week, which means that by Thursday morning I will be completely wiped out having been at work from super early to super late (past midnight) for two days in a row. Instead of leaving therapy today feeling like I could make it till Friday I was more on edge more stirred up. 10 minutes in therapy and I can't hold my shit together. I know it can't be helped but jesus! I just can't seem to get a break! I don't want to text him again because I'm the f*cking neediest and most troublesome client he has. This just isn't working. I should quit therapy. I am taking up too much time and space and I just need to go the hell away.

 

[KwanYingirl]

And when you say that, it's more important than ever to stick with therapy. You're not being greedy you have needs. It's a bitch when the therapitic space is too noisy. Can you check in and chat on the phone?

I'm building a more diverse support system so I don't have to always be emailing my therapist. Here's a quote from Annais Nin:

And the time came when the
Risk to remain tight in a bud
Was more painful than the
Risk it took to blossom

Keep posting. This is a support group. You have good advice for others that are struggling. Now it's time for you to be supported.

 

[joeylittle]

@desiderata310, can you text back with a suggestion for a different location? I know noise is bad for you - I can't remember if semi-public spaces are - but if there's a park, or a college campus with a quad, or a mall that opens early for mall walkers, or even just sitting in a car. None of these ideas may work, just trying to think of something...

We all need support from our doctors/therapists; it's not neediness to want to get help. And it's just problem solving, not being a burden. Even if you could find someplace quiet for you and do a phone session - insurance doesn't cover those in the US, but sounds like that's going to be OK with your therapist.

 

[desiderata310]

@joeylittle I actually did that but he didn't go for it. I'm horrible at talking on the phone so phone sessions don't work for me.

It doesn't matter. It's all so f*cking stupid. I am not worth all this. I'm sorry please just ignore this whole thread.

 

[joeylittle]

@desiderata310, I'm sorry he didn't go for it - that's definitely got to be frustrating. I'm not trying to get you more upset by not ignoring the thread. I just wanted to say that the way you beat up on yourself reminds me of me - I've got a very very similar voice in my head. I hope you can turn down the volume on it, at least - it's such a painful, frustrating thing. And there's no "all this" going on here at all. Posting lets me avoid work for just a little bit longer. It's totally beneficial to me. Your doc isn't bending over backwards, either - he's just dealing with the circumstances so you can have a productive working environment. Keep posting if you feel like you need to get it out - that's kind of what places like this are for.

 

[scout86]

I'm the f*cking neediest and most troublesome client he has.

Have you ever asked him about that? I suppose he can't really answer the question, for privacy reasons. From what I gather, my T's least favorite clients are sex offenders, followed by people who don't try. He's actually told me he doesn't like treating sex offenders and does what he can to avoid it. I'd be willing to bet your aren't in the top 10 most troublesome clients!

Up until this past spring, I didn't have insurance and was paying the least my T charged anyone. I had a session scheduled for Christmas eve day. He said it was up to me, I could come if I wanted, he'd be there. (He was the only one in the office that day.) When I was leaving, and getting ready to pay, he told me to forget it, it was a Christmas present. I told him he couldn't do that. He said that actually, he could and he was, and that was all there was too it. Hasn't come back to bite me yet and I don't think it will. He likes what he does.

Your T sounds a lot like mine and I've thought that before. I understand how you feel about the payment issue, really I do. I'm guessing, in some way, shape, or form, you've had to pay for a lot of stuff over the years and pretty much no one ever did anything just to be nice. That makes it hard to believe that they would. But they will. At least some people will, and I think your T is one of them. You might look at this an another chance to update your thinking about that topic.

But you know, if he wanted to fire you as a client, he had a reason and didn't use it. If he was looking for an excuse to give up on you, because you're hopeless or for any other reason, he had it and he didn't use it. Like it or not, I think that's a sign that he thinks there's hope for you and that you are worth the effort. That idea is probably hard to accept (I have a lot of trouble with it myself) but it's true.

I hope he can get the construction under control SOON! Meanwhile, hang in there and stay in touch with him (and us).

 

[desiderata310]

@joeylittle I' sorry I'm so sorry. I can't ... I don't know. I've just felt frantic for the last few days. I was grasping at getting to my appointment as a place of .. safety? A touch stone? Something. and when I got there and couldn't stand being there.. things just went down hill... I just couldn't take it. I've been unable to concentrate, weepy, anxious all day. He finally texted me a while ago and suggested that we might meet at 5:30 this evening (I have a break before I have to be back for the evening) and he would text me at 5 to let me know if the noise has ceased. If not... I guess I am stuck for a while since we don't have a place or time to meet. I'm TRYING to hold it together.

He's still trying to get hold of the land lords to get them to move all the construction work back an hour two days a week but then we also have the issue of the construction work which is ALSO going on out on the street... When I rode by this morning it was crazy how anxious it made me sitting in my car with the windows rolled up. I can't explain it. I just know that loud noises in that environment is ... it's too much for me.

I asked actually. I am the ONLY one he has with PTSD this bad and the only one who has trouble with the noise. He wants to take on more clients like me (WHY!?) and was looking for a place to work which was more conducive to that work. So while he does EMDR and has worked with trauma patients he's just never worked with someone quite so easily... freaked out and triggered.

While I may not be amongst his most loathsome clients, I still top the list among the neediest. Most of the time I can't manage to get anything out during session so I write and email him between which he encourages and he ... basically responds and tries to engage me in session with that information.
yeah... that's not usually all that successful but at least we are both trying

He has worked at the local prison with people there who were sex offenders.. so .. not loathsome but yeah.. needy.

@scout86
Link Removed

He's right actually. He CAN decide to not charge. And reading the code of ethics is all that really made it bearable for me. He actually texted me when I found this out (because it completely derailed my session that day- I became a blubbering dissociative mess) that he was charging me only the copay for ethical reason. Being me, I quickly looked up the code of ethics. yeah.. Doesn't make me feel to good to know I am quite such a hot mess but there it is.

oook.. it's 2 more hours before I will hear if we are actually meeting today at 5:30 or not. Hopefully, if we can't I can just hang on for a few more days....

 

[desiderata310]

Gaaaahhh! *whimper*
Cancelled again. They are working late because they are behind schedule