Trying to get home
New Here
I've been checking in on this forum for nearly a year now, and registered as a member several months ago. It's probably time to introduce myself, but I've been hesitating to make the jump for days.So here goes...
Last August, I ended 34 years with the Army Reserve and transferred to the Retired Reserve list. I first joined up in 1977, so it's been a challenge to my sense of identity to no longer be affiliated. In September, I retired from my civilian job as a federal agent and put an end to 32 years in law enforcement. I deployed to Afghanistan for twelve months in 2004-2005; being an "old guy" by then, I had a staff assignment in Kabul, although I traveled widely throughout Afghanistan during that time. I returned to Kabul in 2011 and spent another eighteen months, again traveling throughout the country. Sandwiched in between those two deployments, I spent three and half years in Port au Prince, Haiti, for my civilian job. During that time, we went through the 'Food Riots,' four hurricanes and the floods that followed, and of course, the earthquake of 2010, that killed 230,000 people, including a number of friends and colleagues. Prior to my first Afghanistan deployment, I had spent six years in South America, which also provided a certain amount of stress and a life-threatening incident.
I returned from Afghanistan in 2012 and things just started to unravel. Within weeks, I was unable to control my anger, and my bouts of rage began to frighten my wife. She pleaded with me to get help for it. What she didn't know was that, at the same time, I was beginning to chronically relive a number of incidents that had occurred to me over the years in my two careers. I was having difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, difficulty remembering, and difficulty making decisions. Within a few more weeks, I was experiencing severe vertigo and had difficulty being around crowds of any kind.
Not wanting to get into a pissing match with the VA or the Army about whether my difficulties were due to service in a combat zone or my civilian service, I founnd a therapist through my employer's Employee Assistance Program and, when the money ran out from that, paid out of pocket to get the help I knew I needed.
The good news is that after of year of CBT, things have been going a lot better. Many of the symptoms I was experiencing reduced, my outlook on life was better, I was much less prone to the wild, crazy outbursts of anger that drove me to seek therapy in the first place. I'm in a new job, working in Mexico, and enjoying the new gig, but missing my wife. In fact, I had reached point where I thought that maybe those days were behind me and I didn't really need to hang with this forum. But the last few days, there have been several things on the news or that came up in conversations and I've been feeling the anxiety building back up, the sleep starting to get more restless, the flashbacks popping back up, and I've realized that I've still got a long ways to go. There are so many things that can trigger me that I really have to stay on top of recognizing them and staying mindful of my feelings in the moment or I could be right back there again. I'm one part optimistic for the future and what I can make of it, and one part terrified that I'll turn back into that screaming, raging monster that was frightening my wife and destroying my marriage.
I guess it's still just one day at time. Maybe it always was and always will be. I'm grateful for what I have - things could have been worse for me - things have been worse for many others. At any rate, I hope no one minds me hanging out on this site from time to time. It's a pleasure to hear from people who understand what the military experience was all about and it's nice to hear from the Brits and the Aussies - I enjoyed working with them in Afghanistan. And it's good to hear the wisdom of the Vietnam Vets. I worked with a lot of them in the early days of my career and it amazed me how so many of them just dealt with it and moved on with their lives. It's a bit harder to relate to folks on other PTSD sites. I'm probably not one to jump into conversations a lot, but it's good to hear from people who understand what it's like to try to come home to "ordinary" after surviving extraordinary experiences. Most days, I still feel like I'm just trying to get home...
Last August, I ended 34 years with the Army Reserve and transferred to the Retired Reserve list. I first joined up in 1977, so it's been a challenge to my sense of identity to no longer be affiliated. In September, I retired from my civilian job as a federal agent and put an end to 32 years in law enforcement. I deployed to Afghanistan for twelve months in 2004-2005; being an "old guy" by then, I had a staff assignment in Kabul, although I traveled widely throughout Afghanistan during that time. I returned to Kabul in 2011 and spent another eighteen months, again traveling throughout the country. Sandwiched in between those two deployments, I spent three and half years in Port au Prince, Haiti, for my civilian job. During that time, we went through the 'Food Riots,' four hurricanes and the floods that followed, and of course, the earthquake of 2010, that killed 230,000 people, including a number of friends and colleagues. Prior to my first Afghanistan deployment, I had spent six years in South America, which also provided a certain amount of stress and a life-threatening incident.
I returned from Afghanistan in 2012 and things just started to unravel. Within weeks, I was unable to control my anger, and my bouts of rage began to frighten my wife. She pleaded with me to get help for it. What she didn't know was that, at the same time, I was beginning to chronically relive a number of incidents that had occurred to me over the years in my two careers. I was having difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, difficulty remembering, and difficulty making decisions. Within a few more weeks, I was experiencing severe vertigo and had difficulty being around crowds of any kind.
Not wanting to get into a pissing match with the VA or the Army about whether my difficulties were due to service in a combat zone or my civilian service, I founnd a therapist through my employer's Employee Assistance Program and, when the money ran out from that, paid out of pocket to get the help I knew I needed.
The good news is that after of year of CBT, things have been going a lot better. Many of the symptoms I was experiencing reduced, my outlook on life was better, I was much less prone to the wild, crazy outbursts of anger that drove me to seek therapy in the first place. I'm in a new job, working in Mexico, and enjoying the new gig, but missing my wife. In fact, I had reached point where I thought that maybe those days were behind me and I didn't really need to hang with this forum. But the last few days, there have been several things on the news or that came up in conversations and I've been feeling the anxiety building back up, the sleep starting to get more restless, the flashbacks popping back up, and I've realized that I've still got a long ways to go. There are so many things that can trigger me that I really have to stay on top of recognizing them and staying mindful of my feelings in the moment or I could be right back there again. I'm one part optimistic for the future and what I can make of it, and one part terrified that I'll turn back into that screaming, raging monster that was frightening my wife and destroying my marriage.
I guess it's still just one day at time. Maybe it always was and always will be. I'm grateful for what I have - things could have been worse for me - things have been worse for many others. At any rate, I hope no one minds me hanging out on this site from time to time. It's a pleasure to hear from people who understand what the military experience was all about and it's nice to hear from the Brits and the Aussies - I enjoyed working with them in Afghanistan. And it's good to hear the wisdom of the Vietnam Vets. I worked with a lot of them in the early days of my career and it amazed me how so many of them just dealt with it and moved on with their lives. It's a bit harder to relate to folks on other PTSD sites. I'm probably not one to jump into conversations a lot, but it's good to hear from people who understand what it's like to try to come home to "ordinary" after surviving extraordinary experiences. Most days, I still feel like I'm just trying to get home...
