I'm gonna do my best to start from the beginning, but I might forget a lot of stuff hahaha. This is also gonna be long, I didn't think that I remembered so much of this or that I had so much to say! ANYWAY...
What. The. f*ck.
It's been 6 years since the accident, and I was finally 'officially' diagnosed with PTSD this year, but I know that I've had it ever since the accident happened. I've gotten better in some ways and worse in others. I didn't notice my symptoms until I somehow realized that it wasn't normal to hear the accident happening over and over again in my head. That took about a month and a half to notice. I've always thought that I had PTSD, but PTSD has me.
My family and I still never talk about what happened. We've maybe talked about it once, when my parents told me who shot my uncle. I spend every 'traumaversary' alone, and I tell no one. Some people know when my traumaversary is but they still don't say anything about it, which kind of upsets me. They always try to keep me away from thinking about it, but sometimes you HAVE to think about it. The few times that I've tried to share my feelings end in uncomfortable silences or invalidate me because they don't get that I know in my head that what I feel is irrational, but it doesn't stop me from feeling it. They just tell me that my feelings aren't real per say, that I feel guilty/ashamed for things that I shouldn't be. I KNOW THAT. It doesn't make it go away. They don't understand that I literally hate myself because of what happened, even though it wasn't my fault. Like, they don't understand any of it
People know that I have PTSD but nobody really understands how insidious/pervasive/debilitating it actually is. I joined this forum because I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of trying to do this by myself, and I'm tired of people trying to understand/telling me that it's time to suck it up and move on. I'm also trying to figure myself out now, because I was already trying to come up with my self-identity as a teenager and now at 21 I have no idea who I am. The only thing I know is what my PTSD tells me I am, and that's not healthy. It's not who I want to be anymore. I'm in therapy but that only helps so much. I feel like I need to talk to people who DO know how I feel firsthand so that I don't feel so guilty about how I feel and can maybe start to feel 'normal' (for me anyway!) again. I've made myself completely numb. This is supposed to be the BEST TIME OF MY LIFE and I can't even enjoy it, and I really want to.
Thank you if you read this all. Even if nobody reads this it helped to type it all out, and I'm sorry that it was so long!!
- When I was in daycare (like ages 3-9) I got bullied a lot and was emotionally abused by others. I don't know why but I've never been a person who shares their feelings, and so I just kind of took it all and compartmentalized it.
- Age 10 - my family moved to a new city, which totally sucked. I got bullied there until I was probably like 14 (I had a very AWKWARD phase lol). I was also one of the 'weird' kids... I later found out that this was because I had undiagnosed ADHD, which always made me feel like an outsider. I've never felt 'normal'. This kind of sets up how I reacted to the trauma/developed PTSD.
- Age 15 - My traumatic event happened. My family and I went on a family deer hunting trip which included my dad, brother, cousins, and uncles. We were only 90 minutes into the opening day of deer season when one of my uncles (dad's brother) was shot and killed in an accident. I don't think that I actually saw it happen but I don't know for sure. The only thing I actually can remember from that day is the weather, how everything sounded, and how everyone felt. I also remember everything that I felt. My brother (who was only 12) and I stayed behind to look for the deer that had been shot because we didn't really understand what was going on, and didn't think that anyone had been seriously injured. We thought that my uncle had fainted because he was diabetic and didn't always manage it very well. My dad came and told us that our uncle had been shot and they didn't think that he was going to make it, but the paramedics had gotten his pulse back and were on their way to the hospital. My dad went with the ambulance, and my brother and I were questioned by the local sheriff's department. I'm not sure how long they talked to us for, but they acted like WE may have been the person who shot my uncle, even though we told we TOLD her we never fired our guns. She sucked. The whole thing sucked.
- After we got questioned, my brother and I went and waited in my other uncle's car while everyone else was being questioned. I have no idea how long we were in there for, but it felt like FOREVER. The entire time, I had no idea what was happening and had no idea whether or not my uncle was alive, but I was praying like crazy that he would make it. I'm not even that religious. That was probably one of the first and only times that I have ever prayed. I just wanted to believe that bad things couldn't happen to me or my family, and that we were good people and that bad things don't happen to good people. Obviously being a kid makes it pretty hard to process shit like this, especially when I had never had a close family member die before that point. I also wasn't with my dad, who was the only person that I felt like could make me feel better because I didn't really know anyone else on the trip that was still at the scene of the accident, and I felt like I had to be strong to protect my brother (being the older sister and all, it's my job).
- We finally go back to our hotel room, and my dad had told the other uncle that we were with to call him when we got there and he would tell us what was going on from the hospital. When we walked in, my dad was there. I knew then that he wouldn't be there if my uncle was still alive. My dad could only shake his head and then we all cried together for a little while. This was the most horrible part of it all because it's the strongest thing that I can remember (plus seeing your dad cry SUCKS)
What. The. f*ck.
It's been 6 years since the accident, and I was finally 'officially' diagnosed with PTSD this year, but I know that I've had it ever since the accident happened. I've gotten better in some ways and worse in others. I didn't notice my symptoms until I somehow realized that it wasn't normal to hear the accident happening over and over again in my head. That took about a month and a half to notice. I've always thought that I had PTSD, but PTSD has me.
My family and I still never talk about what happened. We've maybe talked about it once, when my parents told me who shot my uncle. I spend every 'traumaversary' alone, and I tell no one. Some people know when my traumaversary is but they still don't say anything about it, which kind of upsets me. They always try to keep me away from thinking about it, but sometimes you HAVE to think about it. The few times that I've tried to share my feelings end in uncomfortable silences or invalidate me because they don't get that I know in my head that what I feel is irrational, but it doesn't stop me from feeling it. They just tell me that my feelings aren't real per say, that I feel guilty/ashamed for things that I shouldn't be. I KNOW THAT. It doesn't make it go away. They don't understand that I literally hate myself because of what happened, even though it wasn't my fault. Like, they don't understand any of it
People know that I have PTSD but nobody really understands how insidious/pervasive/debilitating it actually is. I joined this forum because I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of trying to do this by myself, and I'm tired of people trying to understand/telling me that it's time to suck it up and move on. I'm also trying to figure myself out now, because I was already trying to come up with my self-identity as a teenager and now at 21 I have no idea who I am. The only thing I know is what my PTSD tells me I am, and that's not healthy. It's not who I want to be anymore. I'm in therapy but that only helps so much. I feel like I need to talk to people who DO know how I feel firsthand so that I don't feel so guilty about how I feel and can maybe start to feel 'normal' (for me anyway!) again. I've made myself completely numb. This is supposed to be the BEST TIME OF MY LIFE and I can't even enjoy it, and I really want to.
Thank you if you read this all. Even if nobody reads this it helped to type it all out, and I'm sorry that it was so long!!
