"I hate myself"

[ILoveLife]

That makes a lot of sense in my situation too, @shimmerz, it really does.
Particularly the "I cannot be an inconvenience" bit.
It's causing me a lot of problems towards myself and building new relationships.

On one hand I want to feel supported, on the other hand it's very difficult for me to walk towards that goal myself, in fear of being an inconvenience and hence rejected (abandoned, neglected, abused or simply hurt).
I need to tend to the part of me who's deeply hurt and feels like a burden to me, just thought now that I might feel that way about myself because she feels like a burden to me.
So, all of these beliefs lately (perfectionism, insanity, self-hate) connect to this burden feeling, I think. I feel like I'm a burden to myself. Very black and white thinking (personalization and self-blame too) of "if I wasn't liket this, none of this would be an issue"

 

[The Albatross]

It's been my experience for myself that any self harm, self hate, etc has had to do with a 'get myself before they get me' type of deal. It was a way for me to keep 'safe' relatively speaking of course, or let's say safer than if I had left it up to someone else to admonish/punish me.

Yup my experience too... but it popped up when I did a cost/benefit analysis of it. Doing a CBA helped me get down to the root/core issues and gave me a starting place to examine in a more direct way what was going on in my head. In my traumatized mind, somewhere I decided that if I did this to myself, what others were doing to me wasn't quite "as bad"... but that was inherently wrong and the CBA helped me break it down to myth bust the distortions.

 

[ILoveLife]

Oh yeah a CBA might be helpful. Throwing in an ABC as well.

 

[PreciousChild]

That makes a lot of sense in my situation too, @shimmerz, it really does.
Particularly the "I cannot be an inconvenience" bit.
It's causing me a lot of problems towards myself and building new relationships.

On one hand I want to feel supported, on the other hand it's very difficult for me to walk towards that goal myself, in fear of being an inconvenience and hence rejected (abandoned, neglected, abused or simply hurt).
I need to tend to the part of me who's deeply hurt and feels like a burden to me, just thought now that I might feel that way about myself because she feels like a burden to me.
So, all of these beliefs lately (perfectionism, insanity, self-hate) connect to this burden feeling, I think. I feel like I'm a burden to myself. Very black and white thinking (personalization and self-blame too) of "if I wasn't liket this, none of this would be an issue"

I think chapter 17 in Body Keeps the Score, "Putting the Pieces Back Together" is helpful for your current issue. If you don't mind, I quote two paragraphs from p. 286:

"Patients are asked to identify the part involved in the current problem, like feeling worthless, abandoned, or obsessed with vengeful thoughts. As they ask themselves, "What inside me feels that way?" an image may come to mind. Maybe the depressed part looks like an abandoned child, or an aging man, or an overwhelmed nurse taking care of the wounded; a vengeful part might appear as a combat marine or a member of a street gang.
Next the therapist asks, "How do you feel toward that (sad, vengeful, terrified) part of you?" This sets the stage for mindful self-observation by separating the "you" from the part in question. If the patient has an extreme response like "I hate it," the therapist knows that there is another protective part blended with Self. He or she might then ask, "See if the part that hates it would step back." Then the protective part is often thanked for its vigilance and assured that it can return anytime that it is needed. If the protective part is willing, the followup question is:"How do you feel twoard the (previously rejected) part now? The patient is likely to say something like "I wonder why it is so (sad, vengeful etc.)." This sets the stage for getting to know the part better - for example, by inquiring how old it is and how it came to feel the way it does."

(Bessel van der Kolk, Body Keeps the Score, Penguin Books, New York: 2014, pp. 286-7)

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks @PreciousChild, I've done IFS and apply it :)

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @PreciousChild, I've done IFS and apply it :)

Oh okay. It sounds like you've been doing this a while. I'll try to keep up...

 

[ILoveLife]

Ahah all good! It was a helpful reminder to be compassionate to the parts.

 

[Angelsea]

Such a helpful thread, thank you all so much.
I've gotten a lot of help from reading Pete Walker and Bessel van der Kolk - the latter I also watch videos of, from long talks to short clips, which I can recommend.

I just want to add, about the part: I find it helpful, like others here, to understand my "mean to me" part as having come into being in order to help me survive. She was created in the mind of an awfully young child, so no surprise that, a) it feels like not the world's best strategy, and b) it usually doesn't help to try and reason with her.
But it's been helpful to realize: even though she is so mean to me, it has been (was) a very good strategy, because: It worked. It got me this far! It's really helpful, for me, to approach her with gratitude for that. Kind of like, "Thank you so much - now I'll take over from here." (I think that was mentioned above too.)

I saw a great webinar talk from a Dr. Richard Schwartz (developer of the IFS model, internal family systems), who talked about dialogs with his clients' various mean parts, and how you can even (after a lot of work) talk with them about talking up different tasks. "I appreciate all you've done for me, helping me survive up to now - so if I don't need that any more, what might you do instead?" I guess it's also about freeing up energies so they can be put to positive uses.

Along with van der Kolk and Schwartz (above), I've found it helpful to watch clips of Dr. Allen N. Shore - especially interesting if you're interested in the neurobiology of childhood trauma. In many clips, he puts it in ways that are interesting for a lay person, I find - not overly "science-y".

Sorry, I misspelled the name: it's Allan Schore.

 

[ILoveLife]

Oh, I somehow missed your post, @Angelsea, apologies. Great post.

Yes, I need to go back to the IFS basics soon. I don't feel like it, but really should.
I've been having dialogues with the part and due to yesterday's talk here about feeling like a burden I realized it's not a two-dimensional part at all, actually pretty complex.

A few months ago I found my "frozen" part, completely hurt, skinny, naked, mute, couldn't do anything else but cry, interesting also because at the time I couldn't cry. I tended for that part, got another part to take care of her and I felt "Yeah, this is solved" :rolleyes: Apparently, she is deeply hurt, disappointed and in emotional pain. I asked her why she says those things to me (hence, herself) and she replied it's automatic, then she seems eager to change that, I kinda get a jolt of energy inside.

This is all very interesting, in terms of parts this the most complex part I've met inside.

Maybe about a month ago I was finally able to start crying, so since the faucet was open it hasn't shut down yet. Eheh....
Anyway, I'm doing emotional release exercises, tending for her emotions, since I think she's the "bearer" of the trauma, probably a protector who got all the heat. I was pretty self destructive in the past, it's kinda natural that she would have this attitude towards herself (me).

I started doing little rituals of burning pieces of paper of things I feel are stuck. It really helps me, for some reason.
Singing too, dancing a bit, doing yoga, all those body movements to release pent up tension.

Thank you all so much for your input on this thread, it's valuable. Hope you're all taking something from it too.