"I hate myself"

[ILoveLife]

This is a combo post, involves the discovery of a part and the reasoning of a core belief.

I discovered an evil part who hates me. Since I'm the part and the part is me, I assume I hate myself.
She's genuinely evil towards me, macabre really with Disney Evil Queen laughter and everything :rolleyes:

So she says stuff like "I won't allow you to be happy", "You don't deserve to be happy", "You deserve abuse" etc.
She fuels insecurities and anxieties too, self harm intrusive thoughts seem to come from her, but I'm not sure.

I've spent last night and this morning in and out of conversations with her and she's willing to heal this hatred.
I actually had a moment of pure sadness and disbelief to why I hate myself so much, so I think it was her, because I don't feel I really hate myself lately.

And then I think "some people don't like me so it's okay if I don't like myself either" - which is a distortion.

So, why do I hate myself? What do I do to have more self-esteem? How can I work against this belief?

Thanks for any input.

 

[Teasel]

Hi Sietz, following to see what others have to say as this is a problem for me too. :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Hopefully someone chimes in for us :)

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Problem for me too....I can tell you that you deserve to be happy, that what you give here is worth so much to people like me. It’s hard to accept, cuz I sit in the same space and I’ve been told the same.....but I’m thankful for you. I’ve read some things you share and am grateful for your insight, perspective, and kindness.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thank you @Warrior Chicken, that means a lot. And I love your username :D :chicken:

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

@Sietz This is just my experience and my belief ok? But I dont think any parts within us can be "evil".
I started out having emotion focused therapy. This really wasnt right to help me deal with trauma, coz it flooded me with memories etc..but I learned about the "toxic critic" within us.
Pete Walker (who is my cptsd hero ?)writes alot about this part. He says I think, and I learned that it merely mimics what the abuser said to us.
When we are young, or overwhelmed to the point when we believe our survival is at stake, we cannot believe the "carer" is wrong. If they were we would be screwed...if we believe it is right then we can at least change ourselves as we cant change them.. Its twisted logic and hard to explain.
So we internalize all the sh*t..and start playing it back to ourselves later when the abuser is gone. Old tapes that are broken and dont help but cant be turned off.
The self hatred literally becomes our core beliefs. Its so unfair! But the good news is slowely overtime through mindfulness we can question that "voice" and build a good critic to come to our defence!
Easier said than done I know, but most importantly "normal" and fightable.

 

[Abstract]

cannot believe the "carer" is wrong. If they were we would be screwed...if we believe it is right then we can at least change ourselves as we cant change them

he self hatred literally becomes our core beliefs

I read obsessively on this and the best I came to is the above and in addition, when people harm us. aiming their aggression at us, they are to some extent trying to rid themselves of toxic negative emotions like hate and shame. We essentially become the dumping ground for these. The shame and self hared isn't ours. Its theirs. But we end up left with it. Its a symptom of the aggression done to us. Its helped me to see it as something that doesn't actually belong to me. That my brain needs to realise this isn't the way to speak or treat myself and that all that toxicity is the aggressors.
How does your part see her hatred for you?

 

[ILoveLife]

That makes a lot of sense @Hopefulphoenix :) "Building our own good critic" is a great way to combat this, for sure. Thank you so much.

(I'm not a huge fan of Pete Walker's stuff - heresy here I know -, but I'll take a look)

 

[ILoveLife]

How does your part see her hatred for you?

I realized today that it's self-blame, the deep roots of it I think.
The constang going around trying to heal while self-destructing left me with shame about my behaviors and blame towards myself. No matter how much I tell myself it wasn't my fault - as in, fault!, not responsibility - I come to the idea that it was indeed my blame to take.

I've made strides against this, baby steps, but haven't completely got rid of it yet.

Fun to watch how these things are all interconnected.

 

[Abstract]

Maybe examine it as if it was someone else. Would she have the same intensity of feelings if it was? How judgmental is she in general. Not sure if you have read Enneagram or not but I think a type 1 judgmental stance often comes with an underlying wish to do what is right. Maybe you can approach her from that perspective. For her to see what is truly morally right in this situation.

 

[ILoveLife]

How judgmental is she in general.

Not judgemental, more like uncaring?

For her to see what is truly morally right in this situation.

I'll try this approach.

 

[Abstract]

Not judgemental, more like uncaring?

Does she care about things in general? Is there a soft side or is she too busy being "strong" or whatever she is being? Is she open to seeing the rational side of why you did what you did and why you suffered what you suffered?