I Have A Big Feeling I Was Sexually Abused But I Don't Remember

[Sally Johnson]

Hi, I really don't know how to start but this is a long story and I'm really confused about everything right now,i don't know where else to go.

OK well when I was in 5th grade I remember my uncle reached inside my shirt and started massaging my breasts. I remember I asked him to come watch a scary movie with me because I used to be super close to him.

Well I juat remember that and for the next few years I went without telling anyone, I actually told mY sister when we were little but she didn't really say anything I think.

Anyways, I finally told my sister again a few months ago (I am 20 years old right now) and I told her that I told her before but she didn't really listen, maybe because she was a kid. She didn't remember that I told her but she didn't think I should tell my mom either because she probably wouldn't believe me (don't get me wrong, my mom is a great mother, shes been through sooo much stuff for her kids. She's a really strong mother).

Then, a few days ago I told my brother what happened and he was mad because of what my uncle did and he went to go tell my mom which I knew would end up making everything worse. My mom doesn't believe that it happened and everyone in my family here and in Nicaragua think I'm crazy because they could never see him doing that.

Now I really don't know if I am crazy because I have gotten into soo much trouble growing up, I've lied about many many things, big things so I don't know if there is something wrong with me.

I'm scared because I don't want to end up in a hospital because I have a mental illness, I feel like I have came so far in life, I've found a great job, I began going to church even though I used to be really against religion of any kind, I was happier than any other time in my life and I feel like I built myself up so high, and it just tore down.

Sorry I got off track but a few days ago, my mom was upset at me saying if he really did do it, why didn't he do something when I used to go into his room and put make up on him? (I was confused because I didn't remember doing that at all, not until a few minutes later then I remembered that I did do that) if he did that then why didn't he do it to other girls too? He came from Nicaragua and many guys in our family molest other girls but they always do it to more than one girl and everyone always knows what guys do that. And poor guy because I'm accusing him of something he didn't do and no guy from Nicaragua wants to come to our house anymore because I'll accuse them of molesting me.

Then my sister came and I left the room mad because I know I am not making it up, but I overheard them talking and they both think I'm making it up and something bad happened to me that's why I'm always getting in trouble and lying and get mad easily. Then she came into the room and told me she really thinks something traumatizing happened to me when I was little and I'm making it up. Then she said "it's because I remember being there, I remember we both watched that movie with our uncle, I was there" and I was telling her no I remember it was only me and him. Why do I remember what I wore and what he wore though???

Then a few minutes later I was thinking about it, and I do remember now we watched that movie with him but that was the first time I watched that movie, I remember now that I wanted to watch it a second time and that's why I asked him to watch it with me before the movie started, I remember that I already knew the movie was really scary so I wanted him to watch it with me.

Anyways, that night that my sister had told me we watched it together, all three of us. I couldn't get it out of my mind that something happened to me that made me this way.

I began looking up stuff and I started reading symptoms of childhood sexual abuse. I saw that a lot of people don't remember being sexually abused even if it was proven that it did happen. I'm really confused as to whether I'm crazy or something bad did happen.

I really think my uncle did something worse that day. All I remember is him touching my breasts and I don't remember anything at all after that, I don't remember turning off the movie or going upstairs or anything.

I wrote down all of the symptoms that I have, I've been to over 20 sites looking up signs and symptoms and these are the ones I have:

• Always feel like men are staring at me in a bad way, feel really uncomfortable around guys especially older men
• Intense need to be in control in relationships
• Absolutely cannot have eye contact with anyone who is being intimate with me (my current boyfriend is really sweet and one time we had sex, he kept asking me to look in his eyes and he kept saying I love you, I started crying and I'm not sure why, I felt a sense of betrayal like why would you ask me to do that, Is this normal?)
• I don't know why but I like the idea of being forced during sex, the idea of me being completely submissive and the other person being really hard on me, too hard though. I'm not sure why
• I have pain when I first start to have sex, like when it's first penetrating
• I have a hazy memory? (I don't think memory is the word but I don't know how else to describe it at all). It isn't a specific situation but I just see the room my uncle stayed in, I see my uncle and what he wore that day, and I get an uncomfortable feeling
• I was really into the concept of sex as a child, I don't know how old I was but I know it was before middle school
• I was sexual with Barbie dolls as a child, is this normal?
• I put toys in my private part as a child
• Growing up, I've always looks up stories about child sexual abuse, I don't know why
• Can't stand certain sexual stuff (I freeze if a guy tries to do oral sex on me, I always want them to but when they are about to, I freeze and I feel uncomfortable
• I used to be really close to my uncle, but then I started hating him and I don't know why (I remember one time I scratched him so bad that he started bleeding really bad)
• Fantasize about being a prostitute when I was young, is this normal?
• Feel a sense of doom like something bad will happen
• I have always had a strong sense that something bad happened to me
• Wore really baggy clothing growing up
• I don't remember specific situations, but I remember as a kid I felt like I was in a dream a lot of times
• Anticipation of early death
• Extremely sensitive, I cry over anything and I can't control it
• As a kid, I had sleep paralysis almost everyday
• Thoughts about suicide a lot as a kid
• Violent behavior as a child, I had anger problems, really really bad rage, I would bang my head on the bed and be so so mad
• Really low self esteem, sometimes would cry when I looked in the mirror
• I remember a point of my life when I was a kid when my private part inched a lot and smelled really bad, I was really embarrassed about it
• As a child, I was confused about my sexuality, I thought I was lesbian as a child. Is that normal for a child to think about what gender they are sexually attracted to?
• Growing up I was sexually active with men who were 10+ years older than me, but I could never have a relationship with them (one time one of the older guys wanted to be in a relationship with me, he really liked me but I quit talking to him because I got scared that he would do something to me. It confuses me because I mean we were very sexually active but when he wanted an actual relationship, I got scared and turned away)
• I could only date guys either my age or younger (not super young though)
• My brother said my uncle was with us for two years but I honestly can't remember anything specific I did with him, I just remembered putting makeup on him (because my mom reminded me). I remember watching the movie with my sister and my uncle (because my sister reminded me) and I remember scratching him super bad but I don't know what caused me to do that. I remember being really close to him but I don't remember specific times when we were close. I remember all of a sudden being so so mean to him but I don't remember exactly how I was mean to him, except the time that I scratched him

Something else that might be unrelated, I also remember my uncle and my brother said the house was haunted because a little evil girl came to both of their dreams. Do you think it's possible that if something bad did happen to me during that scary movie (the exorcism of Emily rose), it somehow brought something evil into the house at that time? It's a long shot but I'm so confused about everything right now.

Something else that is probably irrelevant, but I remember when I was little, I'm pretty sure It was before my uncle came, I remember having a babysitter and she was really mean to me. I'm sure she hated me. She was so nice and gentle to my sister but she always yelling and screamed at me and I never knew why she hated me. I remember her husband or boyfriend was really nice to me though, I don't think he did anything to me but I really don't know about anything anymore.

Anyways, I mentioned it to my mom about a year ago and she said that one time she came to pick me up from that babysitter's house after she got off work (about 2 am I think, I know it was past midnight, she had a key to their house too) and she found me hiding behind the couch crying and i had my arms wrapped around my legs sitting, crying. I didn't even remember that happening until she told me that and then I started to remember it, I remember being behind that couch and crying. I don't know what happened though and everyone was sleeping. That was the last time she took us over there.

Sorry that was a long story, but what do you guys think? I'm so confused about my life right now. I wish I remember at least turning off the TV when it was done but I don't. I don't want to think that my uncle did something even worse, I can't believe that would happen but I'm so confused because all the signs point to it.

Could something worse have happened or did I just grow up this way? Are some of the symptoms normal?

 

[Suzetig]

No one here can tell you what might or might not have happened to you - although I hear how much you want to have answers. What I would say is that your uncle sexually abused you when he touched your breast. So even if nothing further happened, that would be enough.

The symptoms you describe could come from a number of things not necessarily related to sexual abuse - you can't really assess whether someone has been abused from their behaviour or feelings because both are so changeable and lists of "signs" or "symptoms" of abuse can often be indicative of lots of things. What I mean is there aren't a set of feelings or behaviours that are a 100% indication that someone was abused.

In saying that, it seems like something is working on you - it may be that you're starting to feel safe enough to remember or that developmentally your psyche is adjusting to what did happen to you. A good therapist would give you space to work some of that out safely, without other people trying to deny or confirm stuff that you just don't remember. Good luck on your journey.

 

[mamachick]

I agree with Suzetig. I was in 4th grade when my uncle slid his hand up my leg and under my dress. I jumped and ran and nothing ever happened again. My mother was an alcoholic and I witnessed her having sex. One of her men walked naked in on me while I was in the bathroom . So while there was no memory of any direct sexual abuse, even witnessing a parent having sex in this manner is a form of sexual abuse. Much lesser than many, and I have difficulty calling it sexual abuse when so many have suffered so much worse. I know these things have effected me as well.

 

[digger]

when I was in 5th grade I remember my uncle reached inside my shirt and started massaging my breasts.

I was in 4th grade when my uncle slid his hand up my leg and under my dress. I jumped and ran and nothing ever happened again

I don't know what ages 4th and 5th grade apply to. It doesn't really matter anyway. I just want to point out that these things are sexual abuse. Regardless of whether there may be more to remember or not, these examples stand alone as incidents of sexual abuse by an adult of a child.

 

[mamachick]

@digger-exactly. I know they do. Even parents who bring strange men home and openly expose is sexual abuse. I am just saying that mine feels little to what others have endured. Yet i do know it has negative effects. And its about 19 yrs old.