I Have A Question For The Girls?

[Barconian]

How would I act around a woman with multiple trauma's and high level anxiety? I like my lady friend, but I am afraid I maybe too harsh for her and need some help to encourage my friend to trust me for the right reasons

 

[arfie]

PTSD is as unique and anomalous for women as it is for men. What works for me is very likely to cause problems for my sister. I am happiest when the love of my life treats me like I am unique and asks me directly instead of comparing me to other women.

On the flip side, there is only one man in my bed, spiritually as well as physically. I do not worry myself about understanding any man except for the one in my bed.

 

[pamcoco]

For the first time since 2009 and my 3 sexual assaults I have been relating and involved with men. I went out of my way to explain my situation and understandable fears to a couple men of interest. What I have noticed increases my fear is their avoidance of the trauma subjects I bring up. I would sigh relief if they sought information, asked questions and brought up my admitted fear in our discussions. While I may be unusual I want to talk about the details.

So if someone is too uncomfortable to discuss the details I translate that discomfort as personal rejection. Avoiding discomfort is avoiding me, since my world has been rocked by subjects most avoid to the point that my presence overwhelms them. By not tip-toeing around the truth, I am seen.

 

[digger]

In what ways do you think you're too harsh for her?

 

[I'll make tea]

Why do you think that she does not trust you?

 

[Barconian]

I have high expectations of myself and I don't want to push those expectations onto my friend!

 

[Barconian]

Why do you think that she does not trust you?

Because she doesn't trust anyone! And she is nervous around me

 

[Annie B]

Just be real and honest. It's hard to trust people when we constantly wonder what their true motives are. Be a friend! You don't have to talk about personal things all the time. Have fun, laugh about stuff and give her time to feel like she can just be herself without pressuring her to just be herself, you know? Trust needs to be earned, not forced.

 

[digger]

What Annie B said! Be yourself.

The people I trust least are probably the ones who are trying to figure out ways to gain my trust because I will need to question their motives for it - even though their motives may be perfectly genuine!

Trust comes down to time and consistency for me - a LOT of both. Don't try to be someone you're not because you won't be able to be consistent with that.

 

[The Albatross]

I'd ask her.

 

[nursenurse]

Stick to the basics of old fashioned courtship. You have to prove you are trustworthy. If this is the beginning of your relationship, then you haven't earned the right to know everything about her, this goes for PRSD and non PTSD relationships. Don't let your heart go before your head. Stick with the basics, likes, dislikes, the usual dating stuff. Give her and yourself the gift if time. If you are consistently there for her in a non judgmental capacity which also means no pushing, she will eventually open up bit by bit. I am going to be blunt, but keep your gonads to yourself for awhile ( I am at work so don't have time to skirt around the issues :) ).Earn her trust by being a true friend first, enjoy her company, let her enjoy yours as well. And for God's sake don't go and profess your love after 2 weeks or even 2 month of dates. She will tell you what she wants you to know, when she wants. So no expectations beyond a decent fun friendship. If it is meant to be, it will progress on its own, and she will learn to trust you.

The last guy who pushed too soon for me to trust him, ended up being the biggest liar on earth worthy of an Oscar. You can bet that if there is another guy for me, and I don't believe there is, that he will have to give me Time and more time. It just makes good relationship sense in general.

 

[Deleted member 23044]

I felt nervous reading this entire thread, geez!

I liked some responses though.

@pamcoco I am the same exact way about people avoiding harsh subjects, and I feel relief when people are open to it and ask questions. I can't stand the "sweep it all under the rug" and lets pretend it's not there attitude.

@digger1 I also find it very hard to trust someone who I feel like is "trying too hard" to gain my trust.

@Barconian What ARE your true motives here? A general liking of someone isn't enough, in my opinion, but if you're trying to date her and are considering her as a life partner or whatever... that would make more sense and if that's the case, maybe you should tell her that you're interested in her in that way. Or just tell her what you think of her and how you want to draw closer to her and why you're so interested in her in WHATEVER way that you are, and be honest about it. :)