I have an intense (triggered) fear of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I find any kind of drug use, addiction or substance abuse horrifically terrifying. Just the thought of it makes me uncomfortable and if any form of proximity to myself is involved, dizzy with fear. So much as an incredibly distant whiff of second hand smoke can trigger me into a sudden flashback.

When I was in hospital I was made to join in with group therapy that primarily looked at coping and rehabilitation skills for people with addictions and despite the fact that it was intensely triggering for me, I was made to sit through the session for my own good where seemingly every person round the table was a drug user and heavy drinker. It's scares me so much I get black spots in my vision, I can't see properly and I feel intensely sick. By the end of it I had developed an anger directed at people who used and abused all these substances even more.

I know that people take and use these things to attempt to find some peace, but I don't understand why and it still upsets me greatly. Then I feel guilty for feeling so strongly about something that even without my strong reactions - I still believe is wrong, no matter what the circumstance and why should I be made to feel that it is in any way acceptable.

Even social drinkers and casual smokers disturb me deeply and the idea that someone might ask me out for a drink (not that I know anyone to do so, but simply the idea in principle) and that be a good thing, disgusts and terrifies me. Knowing that people drink casually means I fear everyone, especially people of a similar age to me (24) as I believe there is more drinking in the younger cultures.

It is probably my biggest trigger. Or at least the one I know the most. But I'm isolated from so many people and I do connect more with others with PTSD, however many people with PTSD do self-medicate and I find myself fearing and mistrusting those with substance abuse issues deeply - (I deliberately don't read threads about substance abuse or avoid them as much as possible for I fear I will judge people here and it's not my place to do so). I'm worried I won't even fit in with those with PTSD and find myself entirely isolated. I'm also concerned as I fear this will prevent me from involving in any form of group therapy now or in the future. More than that I am scared I this will prevent me finding a social life or one day a relationship.

I suppose mostly this is a vent of fears and/or an opening to discussion about how/why people use/abuse tobacco/drug/alcohol, but also I am deeply curious if anyone else is affected by people with addictions and the things they're addicted to?

 

[Boldnbeautiful4]

Hi-

I have PTSD, and the only meds I'm on is a anti-depressant. My family doc respects it, that I prefer a natural way of helping myself, like exercising, counseling, journaling, church etc. I'm 5 yrs clean from addiction.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Kas,

I know it sounds easier said than done, but I think you'll be able to meet people "out there" who don't have addictions when you're ready to move past isolation. I'm not caught up on all your posts, and curious whether your aversion(s) has something to do with your trauma.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Yes it does have to do with my trauma, though even without I can't see how it's not reasonable not to trust those with an addiction.

Amongst other things but probably the worst of my trauma's, I was screamed for several hours on many occasions, for being directed to my dad's 'stash' and then for having found it, also for being naive enough to have believed it to be dried sage or basil or a conker/chocolate. I was witness to repeated drug use over the years. Spiralling to being repeatedly raped and gang-raped by my father (smoker and drug addict, whose drug of choice was/is cannabis since before I was born over 25 years ago), his drug dealer and another drug user. I was also subjected to a lot of psychological abuse and emotional abuse from many other drug users, two of whom were additional family members (and otherwise really nice people - they even said a few times that things went too far and stood up for me, but many times they just left instead).

The sexual abuse started at age 11 and continued to mid-late 14's after that I escaped and never went back, but still saw him and occasionally his drug use in a family setting for nearly a decade. Now we have no ties but he lives less than a mile away, as does the drug dealer who I had the unfortunate problem of living literally three doors down from, when living on my own a few years back by simply not knowing, though my father did and thought it was amusing and that it would serve as a reminder to keep me in my place when he told me.

I was payment for drugs and whilst living with my dad and was raped several times a week by the drug dealer, who also started injecting me with something and holding me down with a machete later on in the abuse after I tried hiding. Every time it happened was after they had been using drugs - though less for the dealer, but it was always a precursor.

In my mind addicts at best are unreliable and untrustworthy - they could suddenly snap at any point and at worse they could be like the dealer. But even people who just have a casual drink once or twice a year scare me and even people who need caffeine on a daily basis to function well make me uneasy. Medication is ok usually though every now and then it scares me and as for myself I've spent many years refusing meds because I don't want to be addicted, now however I am on them by necessity, though ones with no withdrawal side-effects in case I suddenly stop taking them as I have done with other meds in the past when forced on to them, yet again by my dad who was telling everyone I was entirely crazy and needed medication, that no one could trust me or anything I said.

 

[rightkindofme]

So... first and foremost I feel the need to say that your fear of addicts is not irrational. It is problematic because you are having trouble controlling it but if you were that damaged by an addict... it isn't irrational. It is a rational reaction to a terrifying life experience.

It's ok to have a problem with all addicts. I was completely against anyone and everyone who did drugs for many years. I ranted and raved and hated them and thought they were disgusting terrible people. I had good reasons. You have good reasons.

At some point that shifted for me and I met people who were trying drugs recreationally who were otherwise good people holding down jobs and living decent lives. If that never shifts for you, then that is where you are.

I don't think you need to "get over" your issues. You need to recognize them as boundaries in your life and figure out how you want to manage them. It's ok to not want relationships with people who use chemical assistance. You are not alone in the world. It is totally ok to have this preference.

I will say it may not be easy to manage, but you are allowed to have the preferences. Seriously. You are. You are you are you are you are.

Don't feel bad for having a problem with people who use drugs. I say that as someone with a medical card for cannabis. I started smoking at 27 because it was recommended I try it for PTSD because the western meds failed me.

If I make you uncomfortable that's ok. If you don't want to know people like me that is ok. You have my official permission to have a problem with me. That's fine. It isn't something you need to change. I get to put on my big girl panties and put up with the fact that people are going to have opinions about my behavior.

It's ok. Really.

 

[DMerish]

I can only assume that your participation in the group was either part of a therapy plan and/or provided to you as part of exposure therapy. Your aversion is completely understandable.

There's nothing wrong with your preference to only associate with folks that don't use chemical substances. There's nothing wrong with your, or anyone else's, preference to only associate with people that you/they prefer. You're a grown up now and you get to say "no" to anything you want to say "no" to and do so as many times as you like. Saying "no" will restrict your exposure to some things, and in many ways that could be a good thing; it other ways it may not, but in those cases find alternatives and feel strong in your convictions. "No" is powerful.

I know that people take and use these things to attempt to find some peace, but I don't understand why and it still upsets me greatly. Then I feel guilty for feeling so strongly about something that even without my strong reactions - I still believe is wrong, no matter what the circumstance and why should I be made to feel that it is in any way acceptable.

You experienced negative (bad) events while you were around people that used chemical substances. Your mind associates (connects) people that use chemical substances/additions with the possibility that negative (bad) experiences are possible again. It's doing its job, wanting to protect you from getting into circumstances that might harm you again.

When I was little, my mother was hit broad side by a teenager high on drugs and drunk. The accident left her with a traumatic brain injury. I used to feel as you do: that drugs/additions were soooo wrong and didn't understand why people "went there". In my adulthood I was a very light drinker as well as family and friends I knew (a glass of wine on Thanksgiving, etc.) Later in my adulthood, I went through a very, very stressful period at work that involved my boss requiring me to do unethical things. I began having a glass of wine in the evenings after the kids were in bed, to numb the uncomfortable feelings. In less than a month, I was drinking a whole bottle . . . then, one night, the proverbial "lights went on" - Ah ha! This is why and how people become addicted! I finally understood and my outlook on people who have additions changed. With time, perhaps you'll learn something about why people do it and understand. Until then, it's perfectly okay not to want to be around folks with additions. Don't force yourself.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you both for your very reassuring words, I think it was only a few weeks ago in another thread that I felt defensive -though knew this was irrational when someone said to me "But you have to remember what drives a person to be using substances, many times its from trauma from the past to block it out." and to me that doesn't justify it - well it kind of does, but I still feel too scared of it and I feel that I should feel differently to the way I do which caused me to feel intensely guilty and ashamed that I must judge others. But I don't think I do without reason. I can't drink tea or coffee often for fear of being addicted to them and occasionally starve myself (only water) for a few days to prove that beyond a need for energy I'm not addicted to food.

I won't judge anyone here for using chemical substances, unless it aimed directly at me (very unlikely, though the above example felt like it) and I mostly just avoid threads that are led by substance abuse issues, it's easy enough don't read or if I have for whatever reason, don't respond. Thanks for your official permission but I have no problems with you for smoking cannabis or DM for drinking, it scares me a little, but I can be reasonable and rational and see that you're obviously not causing me harm or of a threat to me - I will not be avoiding you or disbelieving you - unless perhaps you say something I really don't like ;P

In real life I can't expect never to encounter these issues - within the last few months my sister started smoking on occasion (a few times a week at most), it has ruined my trust and safety levels with her and at home especially when I know she's been smoking, it was a definite contribution to my downturn and hospitalisation. Or like the other day my mum had a glass of wine on an empty stomach, it was a little funny because she wasn't drunk just a little giggly, but I was terrified at the same time as if she was suddenly going to turn round and attack me.

As to the group therapy, they were a part of a "discussing recovery" group mandatory for many of the patients when I was inpatient for a week - I thought it would be discussing grounding techniques/ tips on how to look after yourself, which it was but seemingly I was the only non-addict or experimenter in the room. I felt extremely paranoid and as if everyone was threat, what was worse was once I knew I was terrified back on the ward, luckily I was discharged after the second session and despite the fact that I was still intensely suicidal, I was relieved to be out of there.

I suppose I'm most fearful of the fact that if drinking is an activity that people do to engage socially and I want to learn how to gradually become more social, how do I do that without encountering it. I think that I will not not encounter it, but will have to learn to be a little more accepting of it.

Thank you both again.

 

[DMerish]

Well, you could engage in activities where social drinking and the use of other chemical substances is less likely. For instance, a book group that meets at a library rather than in a private home. And if for some reason the group decides to meet at someone's home, say during the holiday season (just to get together), you could ask the host a head of time whether she intends to serve (or allow) drinking during the event - that way you'll have a "heads up" and can decide to decline the invite or try to expose yourself to an environment where minor social drinking is only a tiny element of the event.

 

[just keep swimming]

Hello, I wonder if reading my thread would help or not. Interested to know really, I used to be a drug addict and I really do agree with much you say about that. I totally accept anything you say about it and no judgement whether you do or not.

I was also raped by my father. One day he will be in prison for it. At the moment I am waiting for the compensation.

My Best to you

 

[rightkindofme]

I did a lot of social dancing. It is not a drinking or drug activity because it is too physically demanding. :)

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you for the further replies :)

 

[pintobean126]

I just wanted to tell you that I have been searching for ages for someone who also fears drugs and alcohol consumption. I'm so sorry for your experiences but as you must know this is an intensely lonely kind of fear so I am glad, in a way, to have stumbled across your post.

The weirdest thing about my fear is that, unlike yours, it seems unfounded. I don't have any particularly negative association or experience with either drugs or alcohol, so I didn't even know that it was a problem until I went to my first frat party (when I was about 16, visiting my cousin.) This makes the issue very hard to explain to people, which makes me feel even more isolated. As you can imagine, this did not win me many friends in college. I have a history of depression and anxiety, including social anxiety, as well as self-harm. Being around or even just hearing about drugs/alcohol is my strongest trigger for self-mutilation and panic attacks. The closer the relationship between myself and the user(s), the worse it feels. So, I manage much much better if I walk past someone smoking a joint on their stoop than I would if (god forbid) I had to watch my boyfriend doing it. I have been in several outpatient programs, seen a therapist for years, and was on various combinations of ssri's and other medications, but all of those things took place years ago, during the worst of it.

I don't know how, but a few years ago I was able to start drinking socially, and now I can honestly say that my problems around alcohol are pretty much gone, although I still feel some discomfort when people I know become sloppily drunk. However, my issues with drugs are just as bad as ever, if not worse. I had hoped to have a similar sort of dissolution of the fear of alcohol, so I began forcing myself to be around people who were high whenever I was out with friends. I even asked my boyfriend (who I was just starting to date at the time) if he would smoke weed with me for the first time. He used to be a frequent smoker, and didn't know about my fear. But we never did that, and of course now it's too late. Just the idea of him smoking now makes me want to curl up and die. I actually did smoke twice, with friends. The first time was all right, but I didn't tell my boyfriend about it. Then during the second time, I realized I wasn't going to simply get over it, the way I had with drinking. I was also in a situation where I couldn't leave without drawing attention to myself, and so I had to hold back a panic attack for hours. That night as soon as I got home I took a handful of tylenol PMs, after having drank quite a bit, and also after cutting. When my boyfriend came home he found me unresponsive, although I was just really, really deeply asleep. In the morning I had to tell him about the fear. Since that episode my discomfort around drugs has worsened.

I can't explain it so that this seemingly irrational fear makes sense to anyone. The closest I can get is likening it to the panic, anger, and fear that my loved ones feel when they learn about my self-harm, or worse, witness it. The fear often manifests itself as anger or a sense of betrayal, or even disgust, which is a self-protecting instinct, I guess. But I hate living in fear, especially in fear of those I love most. I realize that there are many positive effects of marijuana, at least more than alcohol, so I sympathize with the agenda to legalize it. On the other hand, I hope it never happens so that I can continue to avoid it as best I can.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your fear. It makes me feel a bit less isolated to know that there is at least one other person who knows what I'm talking about. I only wish I could explain WHY it's a trigger for me.