I Have Given Up On Life, How Do I Recover?

[Mythor20]

Well, I feel strong enough to go to work tomorrow for a while and see how it goes, I am going to be evaluated by a psychologist tomorrow afternoon. AT least I feel like my mood is stabilised with the us of the Epilim meds (sodium-volproate). I had my brother over for two days as he had to fetch something, he lives out of town and I saw him lose his cool. It seems all of my siblings suffer from Bipolar in varying degrees. I said to him perhaps he would benefit from going onto something similair?

I have not heard from Tara yet, the institution I have applied to be admitted into for more thorough help...

I am weaning off the anti-depressants, I have had headaches almost everyday since day 2 taking the Epilim, not sure if it is due to that or my healthier eating habits?

 

[Mythor20]

Well, I was terribly disappointed to receive a call to re-schedule my appointment with the psychologist that Wednesday morning. It has been moved till this week sometime, boy was I upset. I was looking forward to it and I did remind them that I was trying to cope at work as many patients seem to be regarded as unemployed. Darn, my shoulder hurts now because I have spent too much time at the PC...

The Epilim has definitely made a difference but I think I may benefit from a stronger dose but I'd rather not if at all possible 'cause of the stronger side effects.

I was much happier this last Friday/Thursday at work as I had to drive about 500Km's to a much more tropical area called Thabazimbi, I really enjoyed the drive and it took a lot from other drivers to upset me than usual.

On a positive note I was called by the occupational therapy ward at the hospital, I have my first appointment on Monday Morning, they were arguing that I had already seen them, but this will be the first time, anyway I don't know anymore lol.

I have stopped taking the low dose of Cipramil since last week sometime...

I managed to visit a very nice lady last night, hopefully the beginning of a good friendship and if it goes further so be it. I feel that I made a mistake and it will not go anywhere at all and I feel quite miserable atm expecting the worst, lets wait and see....

 

[Srain]

I hope it goes well for you. Keep posting.

Peace,
Rain

 

[Mythor20]

So, I went through some mood swings this weekend, so much for the mood stabilisers but maybe I got through the moods without any incidents, fortunately, due to them?

I went to my first occupational therapy session today not knowing what to expect. It turns out it was to teach me a way (Jacob's something) to relax. I am not against that in any way, it was realising that due to the fact I have been hyper/highly strung my whole adult life and had never taught myself to calm down/to relax naturally, this may have been the cause for me to have been single for most of my life, right now that is not what is important, what is important is that I thought I was just more intelligent than the calmer people out there but how wrong I was!!

Ir turns out I was the real dummy, I am not laying all the blame on myself but after 20 years in adult life why did I nor any of the money grabbing %^&$'s out there explain this to my pea size brain? Instead of me realising this I used dagga most of my life to calm me down but it clearly was the wrong decision! What a shame I never encountered a competent and astute therapist all those years ago, no wonder I chose the life of a drug addict (until now as they no longer work).

So due to the fact that I have been drug free for a whole month now and am finally able to feel emotions I almost burst into tears with the therapist and also when I left the session. I also felt quite done in... How can someone be so clever and dumb at the same time, well, it must be due to my wonderful upbringing and verbal torture I endured in school!

Now I have yet another reason to feel sorry for myself. Not to worry, as usual life carries on, I have to somehow be grateful that I finally have some further insight as to why my life's been a failure. Now whether I will "do" the relaxation exercise or not is another question entirely...

 

[myself]

I'm no docter, but I have been where you were: on anti-depressents but feeling more depressed and more suicidal on them then off of them. The meds can makie it worst if you react badly to them. I'm not saying to quit them cold turky, but it it might be a good idea to talk to your docter about about how you have been feeling since to started them vs how you felt off of them, and ask about your options. I have really bad reactions to a lot of anti-depressants; some people have bad reactions to some of the meds, the meds can make some people suicidal and more depressed, that's what they did to me and some of my friends. It is always good to try and keep your docter in the loop and too work with your provider to see if and when a change in meds is needed. I hope things work out.

 

[myself]

it sounds like you had a real brak thru in theripy. I'm glad you finally found someone more helpful to you and what you need right now.

 

[Mythor20]

How come part of me wants to come right and is strong like an ox and has a strangely Ghandi like quality while the other part says nah, I don't give a damn and I want nothing to do with recovery or example to perform the relaxation exercises I was shown, maybe I am just plain lazy?

Tomorrow I go for the EEG of my brain, today my boss was booked into hospital and they suspect gallbladder and spleen cancer, I hope he is going to be OK as we used to be lovers and we are still very good real friends, as sick as this all sounds...

 

[Mythor20]

Hi folks, I finally had my assessment with the psychologist at our government facility. After wasting my money over the years with the few I had seen this is the first astute therapist I had ever encountered in my whole life! And this for a pittance!

It seems my old PTSD growing up and many other incidents that took place had their part to play, of course, I could try and remember what she said but I cant remember much!

I am ecstatic that I have now been provided a chance to see another therapist (I hope just as clever) once a week for now. At long last there seems to be some hope in my life, wonderful news! !

Everything I said and presented made complete sense to her and she was also perplexed as to why previous therapists had not helped me before, anyway.

I was told that depression and anxiety are twins, this after replying to the question on how am I feeling lately, the answer was depressed and anxious!

I was so impressed by her knowledge and the fact she did not judge me at all and I felt very comfortable in her presence!

That's all for now.

 

[Mythor20]

Hi, I was put on 1000mg a day Epilim (600mg) before. I am going to have a blood test in a week or so to check the blood wrt the Epilim?

I was told my request to be institutionalised would becancelled???????????

They underestimate my insanity, I was in a foul mood when I got back to work as my favorit shirt had oil paint on its back thanks to the kind lady in OT pointing out a nice chair covered in wet oil paintings to sit in and this for a few seconds, why did she want me to sit in the first place wtf?

I ened up tearing that shirt up nicely and threw it in the bin.

I also threw one of my dogs porcelain but cheap bowl out the door to be gently smashed against the wall, this after I was coerced into staying with my boss(ex) for a day or two as he has CMV, disease related to chicken pox but I did not want to stay with him and he made me feel guilty. Luckily he left without me after he saw me throw the bowl out(boy I threw it out nice and gently and without shouting/swearing or screaming).

He muyst have thought I was really psycho(I dont care) but he was not suppoused to drive himself home(too bad).

I was also more insane yesterday as the sister in charge of the psychriatic ward cannot handle stress and had given me lip service after I asked kindly for my hospital number to be written down, she spat out that i must wait. I muttered under my breath that perhaps she needed some therapy!

I am really banging these kb keys atm, chat later folks, remind me why we should choose life if we really have nothing to live for???????????????????

Probably another reason for me losing the plot yesterday was that I had had inly enough Epilim to take the night before, I ended up taking my stronger dose at 12ish yesterday and it had not taken effect yet when I had thrown my toys a bit.

My brother says choose life, I think the happy and/or privileged ones can say that but please it does not apply to me!

That psyco nurse in the psycho ward had not just asked me to wait but had actually refused and was not interested in why I wanted my number.

My number was on my card which was with the powers that be in that ward.

I eneded up taking my antihistamine at about 2pm yesterday and I slept nicely till 430 this morning, been up doing the laundry and watching my fav series being "That 70's show", "Southpark" and "Third Planet from the Sun".

I wish you all a happy non-dramatic weekend.

 

[Mythor20]

Hi there, I have been scarce...

I went to see the psych again yesterday, expressed my true feelings with a dash bit of dramatics. I am now on Lithium 250mg per day (nocturnal) as well as on Epilim 1000mg per day. Going to have blood test on Monday to check levels and also for truths of what I have spoken.

Although I do not earn enough to live a decent lifestyle I earn more then enough for the hospital to charge me max!!!

At least I managed to get thru the month, only got paid this morning, was on critically low funds! I managed to get an appointment with physio at the same hospital to check out my carpal tunnel syndrome in my shoulder besides other aches and pains, I feel I could ride a bicycle, play tennis and swim but thanks to my eczema I cannot! If I get wet for too long I rash up I also get itchy and well, I have enough itchyness to last me a lifetime!

I was thinking that in my earlier years when I was not attractive and had no sex life and was a lazy git I coulda done more (getting fit, cleaning car/housework etc.)but my eczema would probably had "come out" back then sooner as it only surfaced in my early 30's, I am 40 now...

Take care all you kind spirited people...

 

[Mythor20]

I have a few questions:

It seems there are four choices in life:

1. I forgot this one, I clearly had 4 choices to begin with %^&$!! Thanks to the Epilim maybe?
2. Live and do what you can to survive and accept all the crap.
3. Admit to hospital/clinic that I/we are feeling suicidal and possibly be locked up indefinitely in a place that may be more depressing then home life.
4.Kill yourself.

If one does not have quality in their life why should one live?

Why is it important that we live even be it in a psychiatric ward with no life or future, what is the doctors take on this?

 

[Mythor20]

Hey there, it has been a while, the doc's have been trying out stronger doses of Epilim and Lithium over the last few months... I have had my blood taken several times for them to get the dosages right...

I have now been put on Serequel 100mg nocturnal, what a difference it has made!

It is still early days but I have already begun to perform daily chores and become active, strangely enough you know, in the kitchen I clean up and I fix a few things here and there.

The medicine is expensive for goverment standards so they try all other cheaper meds first and if they don't work then they prescribe Serequel.

All in all I do feel better, no miracles though, I still see my psychologist weekly and sometimes twice a week but that is long term therapy, my character sucks so I don't know if I can change that in a hurry...

I am really doing awesome, it is just dealing with dumb people and work that drags me down, I am still intolerant of dumb asses!

Take care, that's all for now.