I Have Had It

[Ronin]

Here's tissues of your choice, @shimmerz (I'm not entirely sure what scents you prefer or not so leaving out the perfumed ones, but so here) - en serio, you aren't a pain for anybody. You're just down (at the moment, it's got a chance to get better), you're venting and hurt - that's nothing wrong. You're looking for comfort and options, that's just all good, that's not being a problem - that's being constructive.

Still reading through the thread so will try to get back to you later - but please know just because you have one hole in planning (accidents, what are you, always happening... Murphy had some fun laws about that crap) doesn't mean you're good for nothing. Or that your ability to keep your life together is zilch. Nahh, you're just fine, and a fine planner. That plans screw is not your fault. They do that.

 

[illusionist]

Thinking of you Shimmerz....strength and hugs to you dear lady!

 

[PlainJane]

Super sorry for you pain. I want you to know my thoughts are with you, I know you'll get through it! You are amazing and strong. Tears are strength, and sharing them with others makes you stronger. It takes a brave person to show people what you feel. You've made an impression on me just by that alone, let alone all your support to me. I have no sound advice, apologies. But I wanted to say something to you to let you know I care and am proud to have "met" you via MyPTSD. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Oh Shim ...:banghead: When I was & become homeless, my car always likes to break down just to ensure I get that special wild eyeball look of an pie-eyed horse. Then my grumbling & ranting to myself and inanimate objects (like my car & looking up at the sky with fist aimed at the Big Guy)...normally helps passer-bys slowly back away step by step. As well, I get my IBS slamming in hard and no bathroom in sight or my tenner gets a flat with the sole falling off as I waddle so carefully. Oh, did I also mention it is hard to get a call through a dead cell phone?:clown: Hurrah! Biting bullet time.

Hold your head up gurl and spit at the freakin' universe! You did not barely escape a hospital death bed to surrender now. You need help with a list of shelters, PM me....food lines, churches in your area...I will throw them in here...let me know. However, once you and I have been strewn at the bottom...everything is up from blowing bubbles in the mud...promise. One :poop: sandwich at a time. I believe in you!

~From one looney warrior to another...freakin' kick a$$ hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((((((((((((( @shimmerz )))))))))))))))))))).

 

[KwanYingirl]

The Myth of Sisyphus is the best clue to give your opponent in charades. There's no acting out that beauty. Sorry-just hoping to add comic relief.

 

[scout86]

Hang in there @shimmerz ! (The bulldog says to remind you that there's room on "her" couch.) :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Someone came to get me tonight. He took me to be surrounded by friends and I feel very honoured that he went out of his way to have done that for me. I just got back. My car is charging. I will try it in the morning.

I feel like when I get like this I am all drama and I so don't mean to be. I am trying to figure out if it is the car that is triggering me or the move again. What I do know is that the combination of the two is unbearable, it is such a primal and raw feeling. I know that there have been a few times now in the past month or so that I have melted down like this. I thank you so much for putting up with this.

I also thank you for your extending your hearts, your compassion, your humour, your homes. I honestly wish i could just run. I am stuck here though. This is one of the many reasons the universe sucks so badly. The only way of truly avoiding this problem is to wander from place to place to place. It isn't going to happen. I have to get this whole pancreas thing taken care of before I do anything. Another reason why I hate the universe. Stick around and I will write a list of 100 things right now that I am teed off about. I have words for this crappy universe. I look up at my original post and man....the language. Sorry 'bout that.

I don't know why I feel like I have to say this, but I do. I am certain it is part of the overall 'feeling' when I get like this. I feel awfully that these posts are tugging at heartstrings. I so don't mean to be doing that to any of you. When I am posting in this frame of mind, I am not even thinking about housing help. When it comes right down to it, I honestly don't feel I even deserve that housing, so this is definitely a trauma crazy thought. Somehow I need to get to 'Yes, I do deserve to live someplace'. You all have been so gracious to me in that as I know that your offers are so genuine. I thank you so very much. This is such a primal need and some of you have even had this experience, so I would imagine it would be very difficult for you to to read these posts. It makes all of this even more incredible. Thank you so very much. It isn't my intention to trigger anyone up if I am.

I think I am just trying to have an outlet for the frustration, terrification (yep, that is a word), and this out of control feeling. It eats at my insides. So yes, this is a tough spot (like you guys haven't been in tough spots), but really, Jeez, I can't imagine how this would have been for me as a child. For any of us who suffered through unstable housing (fosters, adopted, etc). I can say it is a very, very crazy feeling. So I thank you all so very much and please forgive me if this happens again in the next few days. I have two days to recoup from this bout and I may well have another. If I do, offer me your damn houses, cause it sure does help, but know that I just need a way of expressing something....this crazy, out of control, unbelievably raw space and time. *heavy sigh*. Onwards.

Please forgive if this post doesn't make sense. One day, when I am calm and have some stability, I will, with your permission, come to hang out by your fires, on your patios, perhaps even in your igloos. If I can't dig my way out of this anytime soon, then those of you who have offered, well, we will talk. Your kindnesses, however they have been offered, are all in my heart, and thanks to you, my heart is starting to mend. You have made a difference. Thank you.

Until next time, which might be as early as tomorrow ....*heavy sigh*

 

[shimmerz]

Funny thing is, the very first thing that T-doc asks me when I go in for re-assessment is 'so, where do you live'? Then he watches. Very, very carefully. The son of a ..... he has known all along .....

Smart man.

 

[Valentino]

When it comes right down to it, I honestly don't feel I even deserve that housing, so this is definitely a trauma crazy thought.

This got my attention, I wonder if it's worth exploring deeper.

Considering the unstable and chaotic housing and family situation from your childhood & adoption history. It would seem to be reasonable that you might have some strong unconscious beliefs around housing.

A baby isn't born with a separate sense of self, there's a natural merging with parent figure and environment. A sense of separation starts around age 2, but might not really develop until 7ish, and an independent self starts around 12-14 years old.

So for a pre-2 year old baby, growing up with unstable environment, family, and care-givers. It might be easy to create a 'fantasy bond' belief system, where there is a lot of self-blame for external circumstances, because this offers a more empowering future of changes in self and behavior, to control external circumstances. If a baby were to fully accept the total reality of being in unpredictable chaos, that's too strong an emotional burden to bear.

Better to create foundational implicit body memory beliefs of self deficiency and self-blame, because that means you can change, and the future can provide a 'fantasy bond' where all the things you lacked as a child are met by care-giver.

Or, more simply, housing might be a trigger issue, because it's triggering fear of abandonment, the PANIC/GRIEF circuits are triggering separation anxiety. Rejecting housing or feeling unworthy is a defense from getting attached and too comfortable with 'secure housing' situations, which would leave you vulnerable to 'getting the rug pulled from under you', if and when that secure housing falls through. Because that's hard-wired conditioned in you, it's all you knew growing up.

Sorry if I over-analyzed things too much, or caused extra emotional chaos.. I sense that there's really some core beliefs and wounds under this housing trigger.

 

[sun seeker]

I know that there have been a few times now in the past month or so that I have melted down like this. I thank you so much for putting up with this.

@shimmerz, this might not make sense to you right now, but store it in your mind for later when you aren't so triggered. Your being willing to ask is doing us a favour, not the other way around. You are an easy person to help, and it is an honour to be allowed to. You know how some people ask for help on the one hand but then get defensive and push away what is offered? You don't do that. You tell us what is real for you, without censoring to make it "acceptable". It's heartfelt and honest. It inspires responses in kind; your generosity of spirit is contagious.

Seeing someone suffer, wanting to help, and not being allowed to... that's the hard thing. Being allowed to help, on the other hand, is a privilege. When you let others in that way, you give at least as much as you are getting. I'm not just saying that.

One day, when I am calm and have some stability, I will, with your permission, come to hang out by your fires, on your patios, perhaps even in your igloos.

Let us know how we can help you gain that calm and stability.

So I thank you all so very much and please forgive me if this happens again in the next few days.

There is nothing to forgive. Nothing at all.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@sun seeker ...awesome post #23.
Thank you for giving that beautiful advice to our courageous friend.:hug: