Relationship I just cant do this anymore

[Sweetpea76]

Good luck. Youre not out of line to set some boundaries in your relationship. Boundaries are vital.

My wife then grabbed the seashells and threw them at me harder than I have ever seen her do or knew she was capable of. Me, and the guy sitting next to me got absolutely pelted.

Is this not violent?

 

[LuckiLee]

Could YOU leave for a couple of days to think things through?

I really don't see her changing anytime soon. You will have to be the one to change things. Sorry you're dealing with all of this but the behavior you describe isn't PTSD. You and your children deserve to be treated with respect.

Good luck!

 

[DFT1]

Is this not violent?

Yes. To me that is violent. Imagine if a guy did that to some girl? Everyone around would speak up and stop it. But since it's my tiny little wife everyone just sat there and watchex the train wreck unfold.

Thats the first time she has gotten violent like that in a long time.

 

[DFT1]

@LuckiLee - no, i work from home with a rather elaborate desktop computer set up. Plus, after making my daughters feel like I abandoned them (thats better now btw) I dont feel like that would be the best

 

[DFT1]

Actually, the whole thing was very violent. She was very rough and aggressive with grabbing the other girls breasts, and the throwing the shells down her shirt was just abusive. I mean seriously.. WTF is that? Who throws sand and shells down someone's shirt?

 

[Sweetpea76]

That was going to be my point... if you saw a man pelt a woman with anything it'd be out of line. Same thing in reverse.

Was she drinking? Self medicating with alcohol isn't going to help the situation. It's just going to escalate the other bad behavior.

Boundaries are vital. You're well within your rights to set boundaries in your relationship. If you don't, she is going to run roughshod over you and nothing will change.

 

[DFT1]

Yeah, she was drinking. I have set this boundary with her so many times, or at least tried to.

Just last week I tried to set one with her drinking. I told it has to stop, its getting out of control. Especially when the kids find mommy 'sleeping' where ever she passed out at. I told her that her, our marriage, and our family wont survive it if it keeps up and its sabotaging the healing of her treatment.

 

[somerandomguy]

Just last week I tried to set one with her drinking.

Ok but you can't set her boundaries for her. You can only set them for yourself. You can't tell her to stop drinking and expect her to stop. You can tell her that you're going to leave and take the kids if she drinks again, and then follow through.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries are all about limits... what you can or cannot tolerate.

It's not about controlling her, it's about setting your own personal limits. You wouldn't say "you have to stop being drinking"... instead you'd say "I cannot take the drinking anymore. I cannot tolerate your behavior when you're drunk. If you continue to drink to excess, I will leave the relationship." She then has the choice whether to respect your boundaries or not. It's up to you to enforce your boundaries. If you say something, mean it. If you don't, the boundary is useless.

For example, my partner has combat PTSD, and he'll get aggressive and lash out verbally at times. I do not engage, and I will not tolerate being spoken to like that. I exit the room, leave the situation, hang up the phone. I will talk to him when he settles his big ass down. That's one of my boundaries. He can rant and rave all he wants, but I'm not going to stand there and be a target. I set this boundary with him, and he respects it most of the time. When he does not, I leave. Every time he lashes out. I told him I would, and I mean it. I would have lost my mind by now if I had been standing here getting yelled at for years.

 

[Justmehere]

Continuing to have conversations about why she needs to change isn't likely to work. She'll just keep getting the message that she can run away from it again and again, and nothing will change.

You gotta try something new for things to change.

If you can keep you and the kids safe, take a day or so, not much longer, and get a game plan together about what you will do if she continues to drink to excess. Even if you don't end up having to follow through on ending the relationship, being really ready to do so will make the boundary a lot more clear. Because kids and a residence are involved, you may need to consult with an attorney how to do this in the best way possible.

You'll also need a plan to be safe if her behavior escalates. She's already shown an ability to be quite aggressive and violent in public. She doesn't exactly demonstrate a high ability to have difficult conversations right now. If she understands that this time, it's for real, she may lash out at you.

 

[BestCaseScenario]

Remember, she might be PTSD, but it seems like there is something else going on. It sounds a little like bipolar/borderline, which commonly also have PTSD. They can become abusive. It's their illness. But that's no excuse. Whatever it is, both of you should be calm when you speak. PTSD folks can get "emotional regulation" just like about every other serious mental illness. Whatever happens, just be yourself and be clear about what you want and need. That's my two cents.

 

[DFT1]

We just had one of the longest conversations in quite some time. She didnt remember doing any of it. She got pretty upset when I went over all her actions, and she actually apologized. It seemed a bit robotic, but for her to actually admit fault was huge.

Thank you for all the help. I sincerely appreciate it. Especially the boundaries advise. Ive had issues with doing them appropriately ever since my infidelity.

She has an appointment with her therapist on wednesday. She told me she hasnt been honest with her therapist about her drinking.

I asked her to talk to the therapist about her alcohol consumption and to see if she cant help with figure out some better coping tactics because if she doesnt quit drinking than I am done. If it comes to that it will be very painful, but less painful than what this is like. I think I might go see a divorce lawyer just to see what my options are and get some clarity over how that would look if it comes to that.

I also said that we need to tell the kids more than we have. They need to know at least a little something because they can tell something is going on.