@DFT1 - don't wait for something catastrophic to happen.
How violent is violent enough for you?
How often is often enough for you?
4 years of therapy and this sort of thing is still happening? See your lawyer and take care of your daughters.
She actually assaulted the women in this latest incident as you have described.
And as you described on other occasions it appears she has assaulted you.
It doesn't matter what her height is. What matters is behaviour. Nobody gets a free pass for abusive and violent behaviour. Female and male.
Four years ago, right after the affair came to light, I was sitting in a chair and she was standing next to me and grabbed a rock/small boulder and started swinging at my head with it in her hand. She stopped herself, and I told her if she ever did anything like that again, I was done. I know the devastation of my actions was overwhelming, and while it was inexcusable and horrible behavior on my part, it did not justify physical violence (or the threat of it) in any way what-so-ever.
It was extremely out of character for her, and since then she has absolutely respected that boundary... until last Friday night when she was intoxicated. I cant help but feel like that was different. She wasn't the person I know and love. She was someone else completely, and I believe the alcohol was the cause of it. I am confident she wouldn't do that sober. The only other 'violent outbursts' have been subdued and not directed at me, such as slamming things around, and they have been getting much better with therapy. That's why I am waiting for her to have her appointment tomorrow before making any rash decisions.
IMHO I agree, that she assaulted the other girl. However, that other girl seemed to take it in stride, which was strange (although, she is also a CSA survivor, so maybe that has something to do with it). That is the same girl who told me that last year at the same party (its an annual, weekend long thing) my wife was really aggressive with her, grabbing and biting her breasts, but she left it at that. I'm not sure if that's where their actions stopped or if more happened. That was also a night where my wife was up drinking (until she was vomiting at 4:30am I was told). All of the borderline cheating actions over our 24 year relationship have always involved alcohol.
That isn't to excuse them, or justify them in some way. I just believe that without the alcohol, they wouldn't happen. If she is willing to seriously to commit to knocking it off, than I am willing to give her another chance. She gave me another chance after I did something devastating, and I am willing to give her another chance as well.
She either accepts that you cheated and moves on in the relationship or she refuses to accept what you did and she moves out of the relationship. That is the choice you both have.
Thats my biggest concern with all of this. I have done everything she has asked, and somethings that she hasn't asked for since she really never tells me what she needs, so I have to guess. I answered every question she has asked to the absolute best of my ability, bought her new wedding rings, gave her all my passwords to all my devices, shared my location with her via google maps so she can see where I am at any time, I have been a complete open book with nothing to hide. I've wrote apology letters, I lived in the garage for a couple of weeks to give her the space she said she needed, I leave her little business card sized notes randomly telling her things I love about her, read all the books, applied everything from couples counseling as best I could, all of the things you are supposed to do.
It feels like she just cannot forgive me even tho it has been 4 years and as our last couples therapist said in her opinion I have gone above and beyond what most wayward spouses do, and I actually took on too much of the responsibility for the repair attempts. I do NOT expect her to just 'get over it', thats not what forgiveness is. Its more for her than it is for me. She says she can't because she is "stuck" because of the PTSD.
