I Just Don't Feel Like I Fit My Diagnosis

[just me here]

I am a recent ly diagnosed case of PTSD, but when I look at the DSM criteria, I feel like I am not quite there. I haven't been to counselling other than a general counsellor I have been with for some time dealing with depression symptoms, and now I am told I will be referred to a specialist dealing with PTSD using EMDS and Biofeedback.

I am concerned that I will not be taken seriously, because I just don't think I really fit the "mold".

I have been critically injured in car accidents, I have suffered accidental life threatening injury several times, I lost a parent at 11 years old and was forced into a complete disassociation with all prior friends, extended family, old surroundings, even diet (new religion in the house that was part of my dads grief stages-bargaining for my moms survival). I have witnessed the violent death of another person, and I served as a volunteer firefighter for 10 years seeing all kinds of death and injury. I have suffered long term harassment from coworkers that fit the definition for hostile workplace in my state.(these people were eventually fired for other things like chronic absenteeism from alcohol abuse and harassing others). And I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease that took a six month regimen of basically chemotherapy to get over, and several years to recover from. I have had emergency surgery that has left me with a diminished physical capacity and daily pain that is sometimes debilitating.

That seems like alot in print, but it all came in survivable doses over a period of time. It's really not that much in comparison to other people here.

What I am afraid of is that none of these things even compares to combat or rape or abuse or being tortured. I just don't think I will be taken seriously by a caregiver that sees war heroes with broken bodies and survivors of violent attacks or rape.

I like the cup analogy, but I feel like my traumatic event that has filled my cup was more like the sum total of many many raindrops and not one big trip to the soda fountain like so many sufferers.

I just keep thinking that most people would survive my life's events just fine. Then my wife tells me to get help, and my counsellor says I need help with PTSD and I see the SYMPTOMS and say yeah, thats me all right. I go back and forth on this, like tonight (its 5 AM here, I can't sleep and my mind is going from a state of acceptance of my diagnosis to rejection for lack of criteria so fast it is like an audible buzz)

Any one else go through this? If I need to be convinced I am a trauma sufferer, can I truly be a sufferer? I don't want to feel like a poser, but my history of depression and no relief from any previous therapy or prescribed meds has put me in a state of mind where any kind of diagnosis that leads to help that works is a welcome change. But I don't want to waste my therapists time when they could be helping some guy that just got back from Iraq, do you know what I mean?

 

[amethist]

Hi just me here

There are many members who feel exactly the same at first, but Trauma is Trauma, which ever way you look at it. You have been thorough a hell of a lot over the years, more than some less than others, but still suffered. As for not being taken seriously, you would not have been referred to a specialist if you were not being taken seriously to start with. It can sometimes take months for sufferers to get a foot in the door when they are in a mess and desperately need help.

So please except the help you have been offered, while you don't feel too bad. It could be a God send to have treatment or therapy before the bad stuff gets chance to kick in.

Take care and go with the offer now.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Hi justmehere,

It sounds like you've been through quite a bit actually. Also, I think with PTSD there's really no point comparing your suffering to another's because it's exactly that - it's your suffering. And maybe you were just cruising along thinking you could handle it and then something happens and its like the straw that breaks the camel's back. Also, PTSD is subjective in that sense. What might really bother one person might not bother another as much. But you are certainly worthy of help when you need it. Anyone with PTSD is. I hope that helps and I wish you the best with treatment.

-Jen

 

[intothelight]

Hi Justmehere,

I know that I have felt that way sometimes. It really is an individual response to stress and whether someone develops PTSD or not. That is one reason no one should ever self-diagnose.

If the mental health professional that has evaluated you suggested seeking counseling from a specialists in PTSD, then by all means follow their advice. This would be an excellent concern to bring up in therapy.

Meanwhile, welcome to the forum and I believe you will find a lot of information here that will help you learn and develop skills for healing.

Intothelight

 

[seedling]

Hi justmehere,

I can relate to some of what you feel. Before I was diagnosed I spent 50% of the time convinced I had to have PTSD and the other 50% of the time thinking there was no way.... After I was diagnosed (carefully by a qualified psych) I felt like a faker, a poser, and that when I went in for my next appointment he would say "never mind, just kidding, you don't have PTSD". I think I'm still in denial.

I also felt (and still feel sometimes) the sense that my trauma can't really compare to what others have been through. Mine came all at once in one big dose but I had good support and the outcome of the trauma was ultimately fortunate.

I think it's just hard to see from the inside and others can better see the change in you. Having to be convinced of it may be part of it.

All the best, seedling

 

[kers]

Many people, when they first come here or are first diagnosed with PTSD, protest that what they experienced wasn't "bad enough" to be considered a trauma. But anything that completely overwhelms our ability to cope and causes us to feel terror is a trauma. It varies from person to person, and traumas are cumulative--so experiencing one can make you more vulnerable to being overwhelmed in another situation, making it traumatic.

Not only have you been diagnosed, but you see yourself in the symptoms. You've got a plan for further treatment. Sounds like you are on a good road.

 

[PainX2]

Everyone has already made all great points. I'll just reiterate, there's no point in comparing yourself to others. It's no different than comparing a pain threshold. You might have a higher threshold than me. Does that make me a wimp? Nope. It is still pain.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[just me here]

typing through tears here. you have all put a human voice on the ideas my counselor has tried to get me to accept. Painx2 has a good analogy with the pain threshold comparison from person to person. Based on pain threshold, little gray haired grandmas are the toughest birds on the face of the earth, by far. I have personally seen one old gal in particular with a shattered femur that had to hurt like 10+ lay there and tell us all about her roses and petunias and ask us to turn off the water on the garden before we left because it might be a while before anyone from her family would be there and she didn't want to drown the root crops, the carrots get woody and the onions get soft if I remember right.
Same injury on a football feild would have the sufferer rolling in pain and everyone in attendance wincing in sympathetic agony.

Anyway, yeah. We are all different, my trauma can only be quantified on my scale, and the build up of succesive traumas can make each one a little closer to being a major trauma based solely on past experiences and the cumulative effects of the death by a thousand cuts.

my counselor says it is like I have a sore spot on my arm that I keep covered by my other hand, so no one else can see it. It just keeps getting worse and worse, and it has become infected and gangrene is setting in, but all anyone else gets to see is the back of my off hand. If I deny the condition, it will make itself undeniable eventually, no doubt, no alternative outcomes.

Thanks to all that reply here, I feel like I can do this with no reservations right now. I know I will probably feel "like a poser" again, but this thread has helped me get through this first barrier a little farther than I would have made it without your help. Thanks.

 

[RebornButterfly]

I'm a few days behind but wanted to convey that I have been experiencing the same difficulty. I knew but I didn't know (or want to know) and as part of the PTSD, I suppose, I feared asking my doctor for my diagnosis.

I am currently having great difficulty with the aspect of "my traumas are not as traumatic as others" - so I don't need or deserve help.

I am mostly concerned with telling my husband. He relates that he believes that "I am making choices." That opinion seems subject to most, if not all, of the symptoms that are affecting my the most right now- some are: noise and light sensitivity, touch sensitivity, avoidance, disassociation, and extreme startle response. I ask how could I choose to startle in such a manner and what would be the benefit of choosing to startle; while he can't necessarily answer, he repeats they are choices.

In addition, he suffered an extremely traumatic work-related accident which resulted in a physical injury that has taken away his life as he knew it: can't do the alpha job he has worked for since the age of 7, can't swim (he was competitive most of his life - especially in college), can't walk very far, has chronic pain, etc., etc. He was in physical therapy for 2 years(?) and suffers from PTSD for which has received intense counseling/therapy. For these reasons, I find myself in near paralysis at just thinking of telling him and feel quite certain that he will not be accepting because he will compare and feel that compared to him, my diagnosis is absurd.

*sigh*

We do deserve to lead a more filling and complete life. We do deserve validation and treatment. Would we neglect to provide necessary treatment of PTSD to someone else who has experienced what we have and has been diagnoses legitimately?

I'm glad you found comfort in the replies given to you. It has helped me as well. Thank you posting.

 

[just me here]

I just want to thank everyone here again. Luckily for me this was my first forum and this thread was my first post, I have since been out there among the other forums and help pages, doing research on the therapies and drugs I will be offered as I get farther into this, and I just have to say I am so glad you people here were my first encounter with other PTSD sufferers.
I still have a tough time accepting the diagnosis, and then I do a mental 180 and see the events and effects in my life, my symptoms and the duration of my pain, and I see the diagnosis as plain as day.
Thanks especially for the advice to accept the treatment now, before the reallly bad stuff can start happening. I have read enough and searched enough to realise how bad this thing is if left untreated.
I wish that all the sufferers I have interacted with in the past 2 weeks could get the help I am being offered, I wish we could all get well again.

Do you ever think about the idea that someday in our lives, we will look back at the paths we have taken, and the realisation that the trauma was bad and undoubtedly a memory that will always haunt us, but the really bad thing we will regret and blame ourselves for is the time we put off our therapy and denied our condition while life went on without us? All I can do now is try to get healthy and hope for the day that the most negative thing in my past is the memory of waiting so long to accept my diagnosis and get help.