I posted this on r/CPTSD but decided to repost here, I need as many answers as I can get. I feel very lost.
This is going to get heavy and messy and it's going to be a long post, sorry in advance. It will be a lot so some parts may seem out of order or confusing please let me know in comments for any clarification. Constructive feedback would be nice if you could give me any.
Also fair warning there is some stuff that could be CSA (exploitation specifically I think). Also I will mention past suicidal thoughts and current passive suicidal ideation so please keep that in mind.
As the title says I'm 18 (male) and I just started college. I'm not sure how relevant this is but I will add as much information I feel comfortable sharing that I think is relevant. You can call me "Alex" (not real name). I cannot let anyone find out at least not yet.
So to begin just recently I started remembering some emotions and sensations that scare me a lot. I remember being young (I think I was 8 but I'm not 100% certain) and I remember going to a building at my school that was used for performances. I remember wearing a strange Native American headdress with a toy bow (my school did a lot of corny stuff a lot) which I for some reason felt uncomfortable in (I loved costumes as kid, even the silly or weird ones) and I remember now it was myself and a few other kids there on the stage. Also for some scary reason I don't recall what I was wearing and I have the feeling I may have even been shirtless and possibly wearing almost nothing or very little on my lower body. I don't remember what I wore in other grade level performances either but in this situation for some reason I feel really scared that something was wrong when it came to how I was dressed. I remember feeling scared, ashamed, cold, exposed, wanting to cry and run away, as well as the sensation of a lot of eyes boring into me with kind of a strange vibe I did not catch from parents or other kids. I did performances a lot for school stuff in elementary school but this one in particular was unusual. I remember being whisked away for it and only some other kids were there, at least a few (every performance I did involved the entire class of like 30 or the entire grade). While on the stage I remember for some reason I kind of shook my hips and arms a lot as well as my legs and put my arms above my head for whatever reason. Also I remember the audience was really small and had more men in it than usual (only a few male employees at my school) plus I didn't recognize any parent volunteers. It disturbs me that I don't remember women being there (maybe there were some or at least one?). It stands out to me because I never really liked dancing. Especially not like what I did on that small stage and I remember really hating it. I always felt some annoyance at school performances but this instance was different because the feelings I felt only occurred that one time. I did that one time and never again and plus my school never did Thanksgiving performances before, just Halloween parades, Winter, and Spring performances. Also it was spontaneous and out of the blue, no rehearsals or specific choreography we had to learn which is completely out of the norm. There were no parents or family or other grade levels or classes present (again really weird).
Anyway that concludes the actual memory of the event. I started to recall some parts out of the blue in high school a few years ago (such as the building, holding a toy bow, being on a small stage, etc.) but the specific emotions and movements and sensations such as an intense, burning level of discomfort and shame just came rushing back to me out of the blue the other day. There's a lot of details missing (like the faces of the audience) and I don't even know exactly how long it lasted or if my teacher was there or not.
Now I feel so scared and confused and disgusted because I never imagined something like this could happen to me. I know there really wasn't anything I could have done about it but it still feels so wrong to even think about and when writing this I feel a deep heavy fluttering in my chest. I always imagined myself as a macho kind of guy and I know this sounds stupid but it feels like a direct attack on who I am. Plus like I mentioned at the beginning I am just starting college and this is the last thing I need on my mind right now. I don't want to think of myself as a "victim" or "survivor" and right now. I feel like I can't tell anyone at all even though I have a loving family and some friends (most moved away to other schools and areas to acclimate to the new environment ahead of time). I just really don't want to associate myself with this but I feel I have to let it out.
Also, given how I was raised in a more traditional Christian family (personally I'm not practicing and not sure about what I believe) and I am terrified my parents find out and I hate being pitied or anything like that. It feel so weird.
Unfortunately when I was in the fourth grade when I first got an iPad I became addicted to internet pornography. I remember being drawn to women exposing their entire bodies and whatnot while kind of moving sensually. When reflecting on it it definitely messed me up because kids shouldn't be looking at that stuff especially so early on. Plus I remember being very hypersexual as a preteen and teenager and I even attempted to "pleasure" myself even though I was physically incapable of doing so (didn't show signs of puberty until 11). Also I did this weird thing where I would just undress entirely and look in a mirror. I think maybe the specific type of porn I looked at is maybe connected to what happened on that stage when I was 8? I don't want to overthink it but I would not be surprised if they are related. Anyway, I became severely addicted and my mom caught me at least 5 or 6 times between the ages of 9 to 14 doing it. I feel really bad for her because I definitely strained our relationship that way and I feel like I broke her heart.
Another thing is that I started having intrusive thoughts that only progressed as I got older. The intrusive thoughts specifically were imagining people naked, even people I didn't find attractive. This only applies to my peers and other adults. I also remember experimenting in 5th grade with another kid my age who was also a dude. Maybe that messed me up? Its all so confusing to me I don't know what to make of it. I didn't see it as "gay" because I didn't even know what that meant until middle school. I became severely isolated during the pandemic which hit me in 7th grade. When I started high school I rapidly gained a lot of weight and I hated how I looked. I also contemplated suicide occasionally by holding a knife to my chest and wrists but I never actually harmed myself or acted out on it for whatever reason. I have no idea why I didn't do anything. Never did self harm because I hated pain and didn't want to inflict more on myself. Anyway I became known as that "fat" "pimply" "loser" guy and I stopped trying to make friends and hid in the bathroom a lot during breaks.
To elaborate on the intrusive thoughts, they began in high school I think my freshman year. I would try to make friends but then for some reason inexplicably picture them naked which made me feel ashamed because they were just being nice to me. And one time this dude who was maybe my age who was the stereotypical short, blond, cute youthful surfer type asked me for help on a project and I immediately pictured him nude and having sex with me as the dominant one (consent too of course) and I felt horrified because I didn't think I was gay. To clarify I'm not homophobic or anything like that its just I didn't think that's what I was. I might swing both ways I don't know for certain. For some reason I never picture myself with an older or controlling guy and when I do I feel intense irrational fear and shame but not with a guy who is my age and looks soft and caring. Even if the older guy is caring I can't imagine myself living with him and being with him (intimately as well) because when I picture this fictional guy in my head I feel an overwhelming sense of fear like I'm being taken advantage of and I feel so horrible. When it comes to women I don't mind if she's my age or older or if she is dominant. Just when it comes to guys I feel that way. Have no idea if that's trauma related or just something else.
When I felt attracted to another guy for the first time (I had always thought of myself as straight) I felt terrified because I thought my parents would kick me out as soon as legally possible if they found out which contributed to my social issues (they are I believe genuinely kind and good people but a little biased when it comes to LGBTQ issues -- me personally I don't really care if someone is gay or not). I was always nice to everyone but I kind of came across as rude because I had a mean resting face. Plus I used to look at childhood pictures from when I was like 10 and I would just break down and wish I wasn't alive. Keep in the mind at the time I didn't recall the abuse (can I call it abuse -- most of it is purely extremely intense but very real emotional memory) so I looked upon my childhood as the peak part of my life. I used to be sporty and have friends and popular and happy but in high school I had nothing.
Now today, I got myself mostly in shape (I have some extra fat but I can do like 12 pullups good form and 70 pushups in a row and bench 240 at a bodyweight of 217 (for those who lift I think its solid -- and I started training bench press barely a few weeks ago) and I feel more confident about my appearance than ever and I can reach my dream body in like a month or two. I made some cool friends during a training for becoming a CNA (certified nurse assistant) and I feel better than ever before. But then suddenly when driving a few days ago the emotions and sensations of what happened flashed in my head and I almost swerved out of my lane. I went to class all numb and scared and had a breakdown in my car after class. I didn't know what to make of it and I was just so overwhelmed. Just to clarify the parts I remembered recently was how I felt, how I "danced," the very small and mostly male (I think -- for some reason that really sticks in my head) audience and what my clothing (or lack thereof). I found it hard to think and it has been in my head all day the past few days. I have kind of thought of myself as the macho kind of guy the past couple years now that feels shattered to me. Now today I still don't know what I am and I fear the attraction to guys may not be my identity but maybe because of the abuse? I don't know what I am and I feel broken inside and I don't know what to do.
The past few days I feel like I might kill myself if given a way to do it. Like I won't go out of my way to do it or do it in a way that can hurt but if someone gave me a gun or some magical way to sleep and never wake up I fear I might go through with it.
I don't think I could ever confess any of this to anyone physically in person but it feels different when I do it online. Anyway that pretty much sums up everything. I know its a long post and I'm glad if you read it all the way to the end and it would be nice if someone gave me advice, specifically on what happened to me and how I can deal with it. Did I endure abuse? In my mind emotionally I do not doubt it at all but that fact that a lot of details are unclear is what unsettles me. Should I report it? I feel like it could still be happening there although I have no idea since the employee roster changes a lot and there could have been outsiders involved. Plus figuring out if I'm straight or bi would be kind of nice, since I have no ideas if my attraction to some guys (submissive) is an echo of my abuse or really part of me. I don't expect a straight answer on that but at least a way to figure it out without getting physical because right now I can't imagine myself being vulnerable with someone else even if I want to do it with them. Honestly I don't care what I am I just want answers. I hate these memories, my intrusive thoughts and my "passive suicidal ideation" which I think is what it is called. Again please try to be understanding, I just want to be happy again and have a good future. College is not going to be easy and I don't it to be any harder that it will be. To end it on a higher note I hope I get into medical school in the future and be an anesthesiologist which would be my dream career. Anyone please help.
This is going to get heavy and messy and it's going to be a long post, sorry in advance. It will be a lot so some parts may seem out of order or confusing please let me know in comments for any clarification. Constructive feedback would be nice if you could give me any.
Also fair warning there is some stuff that could be CSA (exploitation specifically I think). Also I will mention past suicidal thoughts and current passive suicidal ideation so please keep that in mind.
As the title says I'm 18 (male) and I just started college. I'm not sure how relevant this is but I will add as much information I feel comfortable sharing that I think is relevant. You can call me "Alex" (not real name). I cannot let anyone find out at least not yet.
So to begin just recently I started remembering some emotions and sensations that scare me a lot. I remember being young (I think I was 8 but I'm not 100% certain) and I remember going to a building at my school that was used for performances. I remember wearing a strange Native American headdress with a toy bow (my school did a lot of corny stuff a lot) which I for some reason felt uncomfortable in (I loved costumes as kid, even the silly or weird ones) and I remember now it was myself and a few other kids there on the stage. Also for some scary reason I don't recall what I was wearing and I have the feeling I may have even been shirtless and possibly wearing almost nothing or very little on my lower body. I don't remember what I wore in other grade level performances either but in this situation for some reason I feel really scared that something was wrong when it came to how I was dressed. I remember feeling scared, ashamed, cold, exposed, wanting to cry and run away, as well as the sensation of a lot of eyes boring into me with kind of a strange vibe I did not catch from parents or other kids. I did performances a lot for school stuff in elementary school but this one in particular was unusual. I remember being whisked away for it and only some other kids were there, at least a few (every performance I did involved the entire class of like 30 or the entire grade). While on the stage I remember for some reason I kind of shook my hips and arms a lot as well as my legs and put my arms above my head for whatever reason. Also I remember the audience was really small and had more men in it than usual (only a few male employees at my school) plus I didn't recognize any parent volunteers. It disturbs me that I don't remember women being there (maybe there were some or at least one?). It stands out to me because I never really liked dancing. Especially not like what I did on that small stage and I remember really hating it. I always felt some annoyance at school performances but this instance was different because the feelings I felt only occurred that one time. I did that one time and never again and plus my school never did Thanksgiving performances before, just Halloween parades, Winter, and Spring performances. Also it was spontaneous and out of the blue, no rehearsals or specific choreography we had to learn which is completely out of the norm. There were no parents or family or other grade levels or classes present (again really weird).
Anyway that concludes the actual memory of the event. I started to recall some parts out of the blue in high school a few years ago (such as the building, holding a toy bow, being on a small stage, etc.) but the specific emotions and movements and sensations such as an intense, burning level of discomfort and shame just came rushing back to me out of the blue the other day. There's a lot of details missing (like the faces of the audience) and I don't even know exactly how long it lasted or if my teacher was there or not.
Now I feel so scared and confused and disgusted because I never imagined something like this could happen to me. I know there really wasn't anything I could have done about it but it still feels so wrong to even think about and when writing this I feel a deep heavy fluttering in my chest. I always imagined myself as a macho kind of guy and I know this sounds stupid but it feels like a direct attack on who I am. Plus like I mentioned at the beginning I am just starting college and this is the last thing I need on my mind right now. I don't want to think of myself as a "victim" or "survivor" and right now. I feel like I can't tell anyone at all even though I have a loving family and some friends (most moved away to other schools and areas to acclimate to the new environment ahead of time). I just really don't want to associate myself with this but I feel I have to let it out.
Also, given how I was raised in a more traditional Christian family (personally I'm not practicing and not sure about what I believe) and I am terrified my parents find out and I hate being pitied or anything like that. It feel so weird.
Unfortunately when I was in the fourth grade when I first got an iPad I became addicted to internet pornography. I remember being drawn to women exposing their entire bodies and whatnot while kind of moving sensually. When reflecting on it it definitely messed me up because kids shouldn't be looking at that stuff especially so early on. Plus I remember being very hypersexual as a preteen and teenager and I even attempted to "pleasure" myself even though I was physically incapable of doing so (didn't show signs of puberty until 11). Also I did this weird thing where I would just undress entirely and look in a mirror. I think maybe the specific type of porn I looked at is maybe connected to what happened on that stage when I was 8? I don't want to overthink it but I would not be surprised if they are related. Anyway, I became severely addicted and my mom caught me at least 5 or 6 times between the ages of 9 to 14 doing it. I feel really bad for her because I definitely strained our relationship that way and I feel like I broke her heart.
Another thing is that I started having intrusive thoughts that only progressed as I got older. The intrusive thoughts specifically were imagining people naked, even people I didn't find attractive. This only applies to my peers and other adults. I also remember experimenting in 5th grade with another kid my age who was also a dude. Maybe that messed me up? Its all so confusing to me I don't know what to make of it. I didn't see it as "gay" because I didn't even know what that meant until middle school. I became severely isolated during the pandemic which hit me in 7th grade. When I started high school I rapidly gained a lot of weight and I hated how I looked. I also contemplated suicide occasionally by holding a knife to my chest and wrists but I never actually harmed myself or acted out on it for whatever reason. I have no idea why I didn't do anything. Never did self harm because I hated pain and didn't want to inflict more on myself. Anyway I became known as that "fat" "pimply" "loser" guy and I stopped trying to make friends and hid in the bathroom a lot during breaks.
To elaborate on the intrusive thoughts, they began in high school I think my freshman year. I would try to make friends but then for some reason inexplicably picture them naked which made me feel ashamed because they were just being nice to me. And one time this dude who was maybe my age who was the stereotypical short, blond, cute youthful surfer type asked me for help on a project and I immediately pictured him nude and having sex with me as the dominant one (consent too of course) and I felt horrified because I didn't think I was gay. To clarify I'm not homophobic or anything like that its just I didn't think that's what I was. I might swing both ways I don't know for certain. For some reason I never picture myself with an older or controlling guy and when I do I feel intense irrational fear and shame but not with a guy who is my age and looks soft and caring. Even if the older guy is caring I can't imagine myself living with him and being with him (intimately as well) because when I picture this fictional guy in my head I feel an overwhelming sense of fear like I'm being taken advantage of and I feel so horrible. When it comes to women I don't mind if she's my age or older or if she is dominant. Just when it comes to guys I feel that way. Have no idea if that's trauma related or just something else.
When I felt attracted to another guy for the first time (I had always thought of myself as straight) I felt terrified because I thought my parents would kick me out as soon as legally possible if they found out which contributed to my social issues (they are I believe genuinely kind and good people but a little biased when it comes to LGBTQ issues -- me personally I don't really care if someone is gay or not). I was always nice to everyone but I kind of came across as rude because I had a mean resting face. Plus I used to look at childhood pictures from when I was like 10 and I would just break down and wish I wasn't alive. Keep in the mind at the time I didn't recall the abuse (can I call it abuse -- most of it is purely extremely intense but very real emotional memory) so I looked upon my childhood as the peak part of my life. I used to be sporty and have friends and popular and happy but in high school I had nothing.
Now today, I got myself mostly in shape (I have some extra fat but I can do like 12 pullups good form and 70 pushups in a row and bench 240 at a bodyweight of 217 (for those who lift I think its solid -- and I started training bench press barely a few weeks ago) and I feel more confident about my appearance than ever and I can reach my dream body in like a month or two. I made some cool friends during a training for becoming a CNA (certified nurse assistant) and I feel better than ever before. But then suddenly when driving a few days ago the emotions and sensations of what happened flashed in my head and I almost swerved out of my lane. I went to class all numb and scared and had a breakdown in my car after class. I didn't know what to make of it and I was just so overwhelmed. Just to clarify the parts I remembered recently was how I felt, how I "danced," the very small and mostly male (I think -- for some reason that really sticks in my head) audience and what my clothing (or lack thereof). I found it hard to think and it has been in my head all day the past few days. I have kind of thought of myself as the macho kind of guy the past couple years now that feels shattered to me. Now today I still don't know what I am and I fear the attraction to guys may not be my identity but maybe because of the abuse? I don't know what I am and I feel broken inside and I don't know what to do.
The past few days I feel like I might kill myself if given a way to do it. Like I won't go out of my way to do it or do it in a way that can hurt but if someone gave me a gun or some magical way to sleep and never wake up I fear I might go through with it.
I don't think I could ever confess any of this to anyone physically in person but it feels different when I do it online. Anyway that pretty much sums up everything. I know its a long post and I'm glad if you read it all the way to the end and it would be nice if someone gave me advice, specifically on what happened to me and how I can deal with it. Did I endure abuse? In my mind emotionally I do not doubt it at all but that fact that a lot of details are unclear is what unsettles me. Should I report it? I feel like it could still be happening there although I have no idea since the employee roster changes a lot and there could have been outsiders involved. Plus figuring out if I'm straight or bi would be kind of nice, since I have no ideas if my attraction to some guys (submissive) is an echo of my abuse or really part of me. I don't expect a straight answer on that but at least a way to figure it out without getting physical because right now I can't imagine myself being vulnerable with someone else even if I want to do it with them. Honestly I don't care what I am I just want answers. I hate these memories, my intrusive thoughts and my "passive suicidal ideation" which I think is what it is called. Again please try to be understanding, I just want to be happy again and have a good future. College is not going to be easy and I don't it to be any harder that it will be. To end it on a higher note I hope I get into medical school in the future and be an anesthesiologist which would be my dream career. Anyone please help.
