I Just Took The Biggest Step Of My Life. I Cut Off My Father.

[HëllaBubz]

switching off the phone, ignoring the emails and not looking at them

Yup, doing all of that. I've also created a new email account, in line with the name I'm legally changing to, and removed the old ones off my phone so that way I don't get triggered by alerts. That way I can choose when I'm ready to deal with stuff.

Had a shower, washed the dog within an inch of her life (she rolled in dead bird, became known as The Walking Dead), and soaked for a bit which helped.
My posture is pretty good, being uncomfortable because of the pregnancy (30wks) isn't helping though, as I've got all sorts of aches and pains!
Now lying on bed focusing on breathing, and just reminding myself that I need to focus on bubs, and be there for when bubs needs me.

 

[DharmaGirl]

-

Will my partner still love me after I find out who the rest of that person is?

I am going through learning who I'm becoming, and I am a calmer, less judgmental, me, able to feel my feelings without being overwhelmed. I don't think you will become someone that he won't love. I can't see that happening. Little Bubs will help you re-parent yourself when you give your baby the childhood you deserved. Your fiancé will only love you more.

I am really impressed with your letter. I wish I would have read it before I cut someone off last weekend. It is so well written, and self-validating. You are doing great work!

 

[falling]

What a strong Mommy you are already. Sending you hugs.

 

[HëllaBubz]

@monster1977 and @falling, thank you so much. When I wrote the first letter, I listed some of the things that were key realizations for me over time as a child through things that had happened.

Triggered myself pretty badly, to the point where I could only touch the letter once a week.

Then I realized that I was hurting myself by writing those things, so rather than list the memories, I listed the bad things I'd learned that caused the memories in the first place.

And sure enough, a consistent trend started to appear where I could list something bad I'd learned, and could find half a dozen memories as examples.

I slept well last night, I have my dog, cats, partner, friends who have already stood by me after reading the letter, and therapist to support me, so I have the solid foundation I need to move on.

I'm looking forward to being a mother to myself (already that for my partner), and watching my daughter grow into a woman who can love and be loved.

I want her to know hurt, because the longing for relief makes you fight harder for life, but I'll show her how it can be good, and how to manage it healthily.

I'm a little worried about how I'll cope with the demands that bubs will be making, but I know it's because she needs me, so it will be another lesson in healthy self management rather than letting myself run into the ground.

I can't, and haven't been able to get so far without support of this forum and all of your positive encouragement and things for me to learn from, so thank you from the bottom off my heart.

 

[DharmaGirl]

When my son was born, I looked at his little face and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Everything shifted, and I was happiest when I was with him. He was a needy little guy, and wanted to be held all the time. I got a front pack, and strapped him to me and he was happy. I had never felt so connected to someone before in my life.

When you are pregnant for the first time you wonder how you will cope with the baby's demands. When the baby is born, you wonder if you are doing enough for your baby, lol. Hugs to you.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I had never felt so connected to someone before in my life.

I fully expect that I am only going to have a VERY small handful of people that I will have that with, in my life.
I've got my partner and brother so far, my baby very soon, and I don't expect to be adding to that list just yet.

I just rang my grandfather to see if my grandmother had passed on the contents of my letter to him, predictably, she hadn't! I told him that basically I'd decided I wanted to get better, and I couldn't do that with dad around, so I was cutting him off.
Grandfather's response was that he was completely fine with it, and that I had my husband and baby, and focusing on getting better was a great thing.

I told him that I was telling him because I thought it might affect whether or not he and my grandmother would attend my event, and if he couldn't make it, I would understand, but he said that he would try to make it, and if it really meant a lot to me, he would definitely make it.

I told him that if he could make it, that it would mean a lot to me because I don't have much family left now, so he said he'd definitely make it.

I'm not holding my breath, because I've been let down before, but my grandfather doesn't like the way dad raised us, and hates the religious aspect, so I have a feeling that he will support me purely based on my breaking away from all the things he thinks are unhealthy.

I guess we'll see how we go, but it really helped to hear that from him. Now to get in contact with my grandmother, and let her know that if she chooses not to make it, I'll understand. But I have a feeling that this particular phone call is going to be a lot messier.

Sigh. Some things just have to be done though, if she's going to start being obnoxious or pushy about the topic on my special day, I don't want her there.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It is so healing, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Well, I called my grandmother about 10am, she told me to call later as she was busy.
Before I hung up, I asked her if she had checked her emails, she said of course.....but you know when someone is sounding a bit strange because they're hiding something?

Called again around 8:30pm, and told her that I'd sent an email, and given the nature of the contents, I'd understand if she wasn't coming.

She then asked me if I'd checked my email, and acted surprised when I said nothing had come through, so I rechecked, and she had only responded at 12pm.

Despite making it sound like she'd responded to the email when it was sent - Thursday.

Asked her if she wanted to discuss it over the phone rather than impersonal email, but she immediately said that I should just look at the e-mail and send my response that way.

So I said goodnight, and went and had a look.
The document attached is literally what she sent, and after reading it, below is my response.
I'm not sure if I was too harsh, but at the same time, you know how people do the motion when something is over someone's head and they completely missed it?

Well she missed the obvious so badly that it was on a broken down granny scooter in front of her and she still missed it. :banghead:


Dear Grandma,
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to comprehensively read my letter, I appreciate it. I am sorry to say that from reading your response, I gather that you have not understood my letter as I intended it.

My response to you is not an effort to convince you to change your mind or to shed light on a past that I am working to diminish the effects of.

I do not wish to respond to each and every point that you have made in your letter. It is painfully clear to me that you have not, and do not understand my letter, or why I have chosen the path I have.


Unfortunately, all of the points you have made in your letter are in complete contradiction with my beliefs and barriers on the path that has, and will continue to lead me on my journey to healing.

I do not believe that we can come to common ground on this topic, so I offer you the opportunity to remain in my life, and that of my family.

I do this with the understanding that you will respect my choices, and not bring up or refer to sensitive topics such as my father, religion or the past with me until such a time as I inform you that I am able to handle it.

Any references to such topics will not be received well, and will lead to my withdrawal from you. I have consistently stated over the past that I am not interested in religious topics, and have been ignored.

So if I am ignored, I will simply move myself to an area where I will not have to hear it. I am sorry that it is now necessary for me to be so blunt, however I am finding that I need to make myself clear.

It would be a pleasure for us to have you at the engagement party, however please keep in mind that this event is about us, and our baby, not my parents, so in keeping with your hopes for a good and loving atmosphere, I ask that you refrain to bringing up or referring to sensitive topics.

It would mean a great deal to have someone who understands and accepts my needs and that of my family right now, and I know that if anyone is capable of that, it is you.

With Love

 

[Philippa]

Wish I could read your initial letter, but it came up saying that the type of file it is typed on will harm my computer if I open it, so I chose not to.

From the sounds of the other posters here though, it was a well thought out and well written letter, so kudos. I'm glad it has helped you do what you need to take care of yourself. It is true that a person can love their parents and also not want to have them in their lives. I haven't gotten back to loving mine yet, but with them gone it is easier to think about the good things they did as well, without discounting the damage they also did.

 

[HëllaBubz]

it came up saying that the type of file it is typed on will harm my computer if I open it,

Standard precaution message from either your browser or computer operating system, the file is safe as I scan my computer before uploading anything.

 

[who am i kim]

:tup:Awesome Bubzilla.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Well, more shit's been happening since......

Got another response from my grandmother, and then spoke over Skype....but I'm not completely convinced we'll just see how it goes. I have a feeling the reason she was acting a bit weird on the phone is because she'd been in contact with my parents....

Dear R,

First, please accept my apologies for such delayed response. I was having a lot of technical difficulties with my telco and spent most of my day, until now, trying to solve them! (This letter was sent Monday, I sent the original letter on thursday!) I rang them up at least half a dozen times. After long wait and transfer from department to department, I got cut off on their end! I was so annoyed!


Thank you for your response. I am happy to see that you have been straight forward with me. I do believe that you will come on top of things. Even though you are not now inclined to consider what I have shared with you from my own experience, I firmly believe that the time will come when you will view things from a different perspective, as your personal healing takes place.

The fact that we look differently at solutions does not mean that we have to be distant from each other otherwise. Actually when we can understand and accept each other despite our differences, it makes us more mature in our understanding of each other.

I am happy that you are trying to overcome your difficulties and to better yourself. I believe firmly in the principle that everyone must be persuaded in his own mind. Nobody gets pleasure out of a forced relationship. Respect must be mutual. (Absolute lies on her part)

I certainly do not intend to bring any of these matters that you mentioned at your special occasion and I hope you will do the same.

Can you tell me exactly the times and dates and place, as well as what it is all about.
Is it a Baby Shower or Engagement, or Wedding? I am a bit confused about it.

You said earlier to me that you will get married before the baby is born (I said that 2 years ago). So I am really not sure what is the occasion supposed to be.
Pop and I plan to come and make it as pleasant as possible.


Lovingly your grandma.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, yesterday, and today, the following conversation occurred between my mother and partner.

Don't have first message, but she said that she wanted him to know that she makes her own decisions, and that she stands by my father because I can't tell the difference between fact and fiction and she can't take the ;abuse' from me any more.

Partner: Hi Mum. I understand what your saying. I can only try to reiterate that despite all this R does not want to cause hurt. Whats she has done does not come from any malice intent. It has been one of the mst difficult things she has had to do. She loves you both and these are her own words.

He then asked her if she was coming, or if she wanted us to explain her absence, as she was not uninvited, but rather we respected her wishes to stay with my father.

Mother: I cannot come alone. It will kill me. Her words to me on fb are ringing in my ears as are feedback from others so I it hard to believe she has anything but hatred for her father. Her words have gone before her. Her mind is not functioning properly and she can't discern between fact and fiction. I have chosen to support tony as he is not the villlian she paints.

I can't take her backflipping and constant sniping any more. I can't sleep at night, I am getting chest pains and other stress symptoms, I need some peace. I can't even read the letter she sent as I can't handle any more. Sorry. I have to survive and withdrawal is my only way. I have to shut off or crack up.

Partner: Ok, i understand. If i can add one thing. All she wants is to not be triggered and get better. All i can say is she did not do this to hurt but rather to help her survive. if you can but in your own time read her letter with that in mind. She has not done this lightly. it was sent so that no one concerned would be given third party interpretation.

She loves you and dad and was really hoping that this would not be the outcome yet thought it through and understood the possibility and reasons for your decision. She loves you never the less and i cant stress that enough. She has made that very clear to me and has lost alot of sleep over her letter. I love you too mum, your as much a part of my family i have ever hoped for.

R has made it clear that she needs time and space to heal and be her own person without constant triggers. Its not hatred towards dad but more so the 'clash of the titans' so to speak with regards to boundaries and trust. I do understand your position and i wish you all the best and that everything will work out.

And then today, this happened:

He asked her how she was holding up and got this in response:

Mother: Carrying a very heavy emotional load. Unfortunately R creates a picture that is so laced with fictional imaginations, and spreads slander to our friends that is destroying her father, she seems not to be satisfied unless she's bagging him. Right now he is bordering on suicidal thoughts because of her lies .

If u read what she said to me on fb y would wonder if she cares about anyone but herself. (He was there as that conversation played out! See my other thread - My Family Is Intent On Breaking Me) I believe true healing for her will come when she takes responsibility for her part in all this, the untamable headstrong one who was not happy till she took her brother and threatened to take her sister too.

Sorry, but I don't trust her words anymore, there us too much contradiiction, perversion and backstabbing. She told dad ur was a pleasure to be around him less than 6 mths ago (this is actually a complete lie) and now he's a trigger...so much more to say but can't go there. U only have one side..We carry the pain of her past and current onslaught, ...enough. mum

Partner: Thanks mum. its important that i know how your doing. I do think there is misunderstanding within all this. I know from conversations between R and her brother that it was not R that who took him away, it was he who wanted out. R offered a place to stay out of care and concern for him having no where to really go and be safe.

I take no side and I may have one side of the coin from time to time but I hold this in great consideration. With time more information is available. With regard to your son and R it simply was not how it played out on our side of the fence. Please keep in mind that you and R are on opposite sides of the fence, neither can see clearly enough to draw conclusions of intent, but rather have the largely the view of what it was like when there was no fence.

It take time, observation determination and demonstration to at the very least lower the fence before both parties can once again see each other yet respectfully hold differing opinion. I am as an observer and a neutral one at that, i watch what happens and cant interfere. Yet do develop and understanding and insight into the dynamics. Without taking a side I support R wishes to recover and grow. It is so far past vitalization but rather now for R about how she can survive.

Please heed my words when i say it has been hard on her to do what she is doing and that it is not done deliberately for hurt, vilification or malice intent nor is it about the past for her anymore. With any letter there is an explanation of what prompted it.

We spoke last night about the situation and to say the very least this is difficult for her also and does not want you or dad to miss out on our family or being a part of it yet understands the consequences of needing to pull away. I am only a call away, more then happy to be in contact and beg of you to hold on.
P.S I'll leave it there and move on. There is no point in opening wounds.

Regards