I Just Wanna Run...please Help Me

[PitbullLOVE]

Firstly, thank you all, so very much. Your responses truly are greatly appreciated. I will try to post as many quotes to one reply as I can since it won't allow me to submit a response with all of the quotes in one reply.

You wrote this for me didn't you? Excluding the rape this is all me. I'm leaving Arkansas for another State soon. I feel trapped. I lost all contact with the other side of my family including father. I want to enjoy life because I feel suffocated in life. I always felt trapped

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know how defeating it feels and my heart is with you.

There are times when I can't stand to be around my husband. I hate writing that out because it seems so wrong. It's nothing he's done, it's the PTSD. All of my stuff came up after we were married for about 7 or 8 years so we had a good "before" time and a good foundation for building understanding. I didn't talk to him at all at first, but that shut him out and made things worse. So I eventually talked to him and I talk to him regularly now. It was his choice whether or not to stick with me and support me and my choice how much to let him in. He has chosen to stick with and support me no matter what the rough times are like (and that includes lengthy breaks from intimacy at times) and I have chosen to let him in as much as I can (which isn't all the way) and things seem to be working out quite well. It's just a different kind of relationship than we had before and a different way of living than we imagined life. Oh, and I still do feel like running and sometimes literally run on my feet or drive away, but never for very long just to get out. I just thought I would put this out there in case any of it helps you.

This helped me a lot, it makes me feel not quite so alone. How were you able to be so vulnerable and talk to him about it, and feel comfortable in doing so? Did you hide any of your thoughts because you thought if he knew the truth, you would hurt his feelings?

 

[PitbullLOVE]

7C's, it won't even let me quote you, so here is my response to your reply:

Thank you, this post comforted me a lot. I do try my best to do positive self talk every day; it has something I have been pursuing for years now. It does, indeed, help, it's just harder to see the positive effects it has on me and my brain lately since my brain is in such turmoil lately. Thank you.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

From what I've recently read in an excerpt from van der Kolk's book - The Body Keeps The Score, you said you've had 8 yrs. of therapy (are you still in therapy and what does your therapist say about you wanting to leave, and regarding your boyfriend, have you discussed this with T?) Did you say you are no longer feeling emotionally vacant, then are you saying in that same paragraph above, "I want to stop feeling so emotionally vacant?" And how is this guy you're currently in a relationship with *different* from the other guys you have been with?



What I'm about to share may not be of any help at all, but just maybe it might be. In my past, because all I was use to was the abuse, etc. I could not relate to guys who wanted to just love me for me. Those guys who were nice to me and treated me like I deserve to be treated like the love of their lives. I couldn't stand that! It was foreign to me. And I did run, I ran so fast to get away from them. I was attracted (so I thought back then having nothing but sick abuse to gauge what I unknowingly wanted to be attracted to guys who were edgy, mysterious, hard to read, shut down in their emotions, guys who played head games, guys who lied, who cheated, tough guys, all different types of emotionally unavailable guys. Then there were the men who loved their moms and their dads, and who loved women and knew how to love and be loved, and work on a long-term committed relationship for having seen this in their parents lives. These loving and caring men who wanted to marry me had healthier role models for parents and these loving men knew how to try and love without false masks, and without playing mind games, etc. These men had their own homes, careers, and wanted to marry me and start family. And. I ran from them because I could not let them touch me emotionally, physically in every way - in a healthy *good* loving way. No. So I ran. I only knew guys who abused me, and that's all I knew. And I felt so unhappy, uncomfortable around emotionally available men. And perhaps none of what I shared about myself applies to you. If so, disregard. Perhaps, you have fallen out of love/like with this person? I don't know. Are you able to talk this out with T? I live by this borrowed quote: Wherever I go - there I am. In other words, I can't run from me and how I feel, I must face myself honestly about who I am and why I am really feeling the way I do - not for anyone else but me.


Now in emdr sessions I am becoming more and more aware that I attracted those type of guys to me (emotionally unavailable) so I did not have to deal with my emotions that were either undeveloped or underdeveloped regarding commitment, emotional stability, mutual forgiveness, giving and taking in a more stable relationship with a guy, and all the things that couples do day in and day out in a loving again committed relationship which is still foreign to me. For I never ever experienced this mutual long-term loving commitment with a guy. Never.

I actually have that book. I have only read bits and pieces of it. Right now, I am reading "Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker, as well as a book recommended by him in that book, "Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation" by Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon and Onno Van Der Hart. I tried EMDR almost exactly a year ago now. Yes, I am still in therapy. I have been in therapy since I was a child; however this is the first time (I began therapy with this particular therapist in November) I have made an effort as an adult in therapy. I remember with a therapist in the past I told her when she asked me about vulnerability, “I don’t believe in vulnerability”. Obviously that mindset could not and did not get me far. I abandoned that approach in a sense of desperation to get better when I entered therapy this time around, and have developed an amazing trusting bond with my therapist and we have made tons of progress since November; it’s just hard right now.

As far as my comment about emotional vacancy; I was saying, that at the beginning of therapy all I wanted was to be free of the emotional vacancy that I was feeling (which we later discovered was the dissociative PTSD subtype). I am no longer feeling nearly as emotionally vacant (although I do miss it at times because I get so overwhelmed emotionally nowadays, all-in-all I am truly grateful to no longer feel that way) however that feeling of emotional vacancy has now been replaced with constant fear (obviously PTSD related/triggered).

As far as your question about “how is he different,” goes – I will answer that by telling you that everything you said in your response regarding your hardships being with emotionally available men, I can most certainly relate to. He is the first man I have EVER been with who is not completely emotionally unavailable. In the past I have been in relationships with military men and once a narcissist (to the definition) and sadly, I felt most in love with the narcissist. He is much more emotionally available than me. I have, in the past, been called exactly what I referred to myself as (and that is actually how I discovered the term), “emotionally vacant” in relationships in the past. I desperately want to be emotionally available in this relationship; the problem is, I just don’t know how.

Yes, I am still in therapy and I will be seeing her sometime this upcoming week. I have not had a chance to discuss these feelings with her quite yet – at least not to the degree/intensity that I am experiencing them now because they began to intensify like this after our appointment last week.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

It seems to be limiting how much I can actually quote posts; so here are my replies to the remainder of the responses:

Friday:
How do you ignore feelings that can be so intense and overwhelming and seemingly impossible to ignore? I wish I could do this, and I attempt to convince myself to, however I cannot seem to pull it off. How do you figure out what that “something,” is? Do you ever have issues narrowing it down and figuring out what, exactly, it was, that triggered you? I know that “now is not forever,” which is exactly why I have not acted impulsively like I would have in the past and immediately ran. I am trying my best to stick it out. I just feel bad because I know that this is not only hard for me, but hard for him, as well.
Thank you for the layout of how I can bring this up to my therapist. I will definitely be referring back to that when it comes time to go to my appointment this week.
Yes, I am fully aware that it gets worse before it gets better, and I have experienced exactly that a couple times now. The fluctuation can just get exhausting, you know?

Fadeaway:
(I like your username, BTW).
I began working for this particular therapist in November and have seen her 1-3 times weekly since. Thank you; she actually told me she has never seen anyone make the amount of effort that I have in therapy, which is comforting. I truly do want to get better. Do you think this is all just a reaction to stress (the move, beginning full time work last week, the realization that I am in such a serious relationship suddenly hitting me, etc.) Thank you for the idea of the list. I am usually such a logical thinker (in the past, a bit too logical and a bit too lacking in the emotional side of things) so this emotional-thinking is new to me and overwhelming, but also something I obviously must learn to adjust to and cope with.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

How were you able to be so vulnerable and talk to him about it, and feel comfortable in doing so? Did you hide any of your thoughts because you thought if he knew the truth, you would hurt his feelings?

I told my husband piece by piece and not all at once. First, I told him about stuff related to my single-trauma PTSD, then as I got deeper into therapy, I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder- talk about more than you bargained for! It took me the course of 6 months to really talk to my husband about it and he came to therapy with me 2-3 times so that my therapist could give him some psychoeducation, but that was really, really hard. I haven't told my husband the details about the trauma. I have explained my reactions and I have worked out boundaries for intimacy when we do engage in that. Luckily, he really is patient and the more patient and understanding he is the more I can try to trust and share things with him and that brings us closer together. It's not without some rocky times, like any relationship, but it was actually a relief to tell him. We just sat in bed one night- just sitting and talking and I explained some stuff and he asked questions and then there was no more hiding the big things. I still go through periods where I withhold things- usually when I am entering crisis modes because I try to hide that from him knowing that will make his life harder, but the thing is he already knows because my behavior changes. It wasn't easy and it isn't easy, but I have chosen to go against my instinct to hide everything inside and open up to him and it really has helped. I can't tell you the same will happen for you, but I do think it could be worth the chance of seeing rather than running away and never knowing.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I typed out a reply but it keeps telling me, "Anti-Spam Prevention: You cannot post links" and I di...

@PitbullLOVE Yesterday while posting in forum, from time to time, I kept getting messages i.e. this member doesn't allow posting to his profile (when this particular member if *following me" and this particular member had just messaged me with warm, loving and caring dialogue. Also, another message I have gotten a few times when clicking on *Post Reply* is - "You haven't completed the captcha" and there was no captcha to complete. Also while typing to other members, my type gets bigger and bigger and bigger and then smaller and smaller and smaller. Feel like I'm in the movie *Alice In Wonderland* big then small, etc. And while posting to a member sometimes my cursor is suddenly not anywhere on the page or it's like the cursor is having an exorcism or cursor is having it's own out of body experience. I have to wrestle with the cursor (arrow) in order to obtain control of the cursor. Oh, my! So if the typing is small, I seem to not have control over this small type when it occurs. That's not me - I did not put my replies to members in the small type.

I appreciate you saying that you can relate to my above history regarding emotionally unavailable men. I now realize this was so I would not have to deal with my own numb vacant emotional current status and still same especially (post emdr sessions) which I seem to understand to be part and parcel of being raised by a 20yr. chief in Navy - vet, alcoholic, and completely emotionally vacant dad. During last week's emdr session, dr. said, "Come back here, I believe you are beginning to dissociate." Dr. then had me focus on cobalt blue bottle in his hand and said, "Come back here and stay with me" crying now. And who wouldn't - in session among other horrific nightmarish trauma memories, I was dealing with child molester/baby murderer trying to suffocate me by pushing down on my little girl tummy with his hands then letting up then pushing down (me only getting little wisps of air, then pushing back down again). On way home from session my stomach began to slightly hurt. By the time I arrived home and was inside, stomach pains had intensified greatly @PitbullLOVE. Not hurting now, thank God.

With myself here in this forum, I will be as honest and willing to share as my brain (mind) progresses in emdr therapy) allows me too. And by no means am I an expert on this subject, except the fact that I, like you and most everyone here have first hand personal experience about ptsd (mine is prolonged complex ptsd). When sharing (not instructing or giving sound psychological advice - no) simply sharing my experience strength, and hope for today I will only try to do this. My brain still gives messages that "run" and my past catching up with me and my heart wanting to heal - says "stay and heal it is time". In healing process now - just like you @PitbullLOVE as you said as an adult working hard to instead of always just surviving, I too want to experience thriving as well! And I am so thankful you are here. (hugs) JadesJewel

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@PitbullLOVE Yesterday while posting in forum, from time to time, I kept getting...

Correction: 1st paragraph; 2nd line: "is" following me @PitbullLOVE

 

[FireSign8]

Sounds like you just might need a vacation. A short break won't hurt either you nor your boyfriend. California can drain a person if they have not grown up here. Find a forest or a beach or a park & commune with nature for a few hours. I guarantee it will help your head to find some peace from the madness of feeling "stuck" in a relationship or an area of life you are not yet adapted to.

If you cannot get out to commune with nature, a walk in the garden department of a hardware store is helpful & big grocery stores always have a refrigerated case with floral arrangements. OPEN IT & BREATH! :banghead: Try something new.

 

[Willi]

I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. Most of all, I feel like...

@PitbullLOVE , are you aware of Peter Levine's work on somatic experiencing and his book Waking the Tiger? After years and years of running, with no place to go, I finally got a handle on what was happening with me. My road map and round trips these past few years, always resulting in me being in unstable housing and living out of suitcases, not to mention the beating my car odometer is taking, echoes your story.
I know it sounds corny, but your urge to flee is really your beating heart knocking on the doors of your fear of facing yourself. Terrifying, I know. Running satisfies that urge to get away from oneself, the pained body. But as you may have heard, "Wherever you go, there you are." I am sitting in territory right now from which I have to strongly resist the urge to just leave again once per week. It used to be daily. As I'm working through a current crisis, I have the support of the person who is housing me. She looks at me, every time I'm wild with terror and ready to spring [because I'm running out of money; that job has not come through yet; I still think my ex will die of loneliness without me and I must go back so he can finish the job of draining what's left of my life force...], and tells me, "Don't leave. Stay." After a lifetime of evictions, being fired from jobs, being asked to leave, this experience is new for me. And I work up the courage every day to sit. stay. one more day. Just one more day and let's see if I can move this energy in the direction of my heart's desire. Do the work, @PitbullLOVE It's damn uncomfortable, as a caged animal. But maybe you can look at it as being in a pet carrier that's keeping you safe while you recover from 'major surgery'. ; ) I'd love to share more thoughts on this with you.

 

[talon]

I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. Most of all, I feel like...

Understand and its difficult. But your boyfriend sounds like a real gem. If you can't tell him in detail then maybe show him what you have written . Its important that he knows that you love him and in time you can and will heal. Being alone may not be an option so try and be brave it appears he wants to be there for you

 

[PitbullLOVE]

I just found out I'm pregnant yesterday.....

 

[PitbullLOVE]

@PitbullLOVE , are you aware of Peter Levine's work on somatic experiencing and his bo...

I absolutely adore the way you worded this. I have literally, never in my life, been able to relate to anything to the degree I was able to relate to your post.